My half-brother has always had anger management issues and is very self-centered (maybe sociopathic tendancies).
* He beat up my dad when he was 14 (my dad's an ex-marine and not a wimp).
* He has two felony charges against him for spousal abuse.
* He tried to kill my dad once by grabbing the steering wheel, (when he was a passenger) and trying to steer them into a telephone pole.
* He threatened to leave my step-mother (his mom) miles away from any where when she was in her late 60s, about 50 pounds overweight, and had two bad knees when my half brother and his then wife were driving my step-mother home.
* He threatened my step-mother with bodily harm when she was visiting him, so that she had to barricade herself in the bathroom and call for help.
* He repeatedly stole from both parents, even after they went to great lengths to help him in time of need. (No he wasn't on drugs)
My step-mother passed away last November. My dad (who had dementia by then) called my half-brother to let him know. However, when I went with my dad to have a will done, my dad listed him as one of his children and had the lawyer put the wording in there "I list my son to acknowledge that he is my son, but I don't want to leave him anything, as he has repeatedly abused and threatened both of his parents for years".
I've not had my step-brothers anger turned full force on me, but then I never was around him much, having different mothers. I did experience seeing his face getting red and him having temper tantrums when he was very young, and as a 18 or 19 year old. When I saw that, I figured it was a good reason not to stay in touch (and we live a couple hours apart anyhow), so I've not been in touch with my half-brother in years. My half-sister (she and I get along well) is very traumatized by growing up with him--she is 10 years younger than me, and her brother is around 5 years younger than her...I did not grow up with her, so did not witness her brother beating up our dad. She said her brother was "in charge" of their house, and it was a living hell for everyone. She said his whole life he has had anger managment problems, even as a small child. She does not want me to contact her brother at all...says I'm only asking for trouble if I do. She said he will only want something from dad, and become violent if he doesn't get anything, which he won't due to the will.
So far I've gone along with her wishes, but I'm starting to feel a little guilty. I guess I need a sanity check. I really don't want to have anything to do with him, nor do I want him to come to see my dad in the hospital (he's on morphine drip at this time, so not expected to last much longer) and possibly upset my dad. I know my dad can hear when I talk to him, and put his friends and out of state family members on the speaker phone (little signs I see...sometimes he'll open his eyes, raise his eyebrows, or a little trickle of moisture out of the corner of his right eye). I really don't want my dad upset, or to deal with my half-brother now, or in the future, but he is his son. I'm fairly torn, but still leaning towards not telling him.
Has anyone else gone through something like this? Both my half-sister and I are POA.
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So glad I don't have to deal with him.
Thank you for your comments. It helps to hear others agree that NOT contacting him was the right thing to do.
My understanding is that there is nothing we need to go through probate...all titles were put in my name prior to his passing. As I sell items, 1/2 will go to my half-sister. According to a CPA I talked with, from 3 years before death titles can be transferred and still be considered gifts.
His bank account and 401K both have me and my half-sister listed as beneficiaries and I think they both have POD on them. So there is nothing left to probate.
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My dad thought that $1 was kind of harsh, so he went to the trouble of finding ten dimes from the year his brother was born to send to him as though my grandmother had specifically collected them for him. (She also didn't even have a dollar to leave him or anyone as my parents supported her for years.)
I don't know if there's a little something of your dad's (and I mean LITTLE and of little consequence) that you could keep aside for your half-brother. It doesn't have to be given to him unless you think it might help diffuse him, but by and large, I'd recommend not mentioning anything to him unless to have to in relation to the will.
He's dead to the whole family.
May The Lord give you grieving mercies, strength and wisdom during this difficult time.
I never contacted my angry, hateful brother about our dad. I couldn't deal with his issues while dealing with my dad dying. I guess I was lucky that my dad didn't have a will and he didn't have anything for anybody to get. If my brother contacts me and demands his share, I will be sending him a bill for his half of the cremation and the expenses of taking my dad's remains to his childhood home.
Definitely let an attorney deal with him, none of you deserve to deal with his crap.
I would make sure that "brother" gets no contact information like address or phone number for family. Make sure the lawyer knows about his past violence towards family.
Just NO.
I'm still grieving mom who died 3 weeks ago. It comes and goes. We were at peace when she died, something that wasn't always the case.
She was 92+ and more than ready. We all told her to go with daddy when he came to get her. we'd be fine.
And, someday, brother will surface and how he 'feels' is not worry of yours.
Can't contact a brother you have no idea where he is.
My dad disinherited him earlier this year when he was still of sound enough mind to know what he was doing.
My uncle, who lives across the country, feels I should definitely let him know about the passing, as he was his son, but I really like the suggestion by Grandma1954 about having an attorney contact him. Issue is, I "think" I know where he works, but no idea if he really still works there, and I don't know his address...I think it is one of those Extended Stay motels.... He really is a piece of work.
Back to my dad...the last couple of days I called his best friend and my sister who both live out of state (confirmed with them ahead of time that they felt comfortable doing this), and put them on speaker phone right next to his head so he could hear. We talked amongst ourselves and to him about good memories we had with him. I know he heard because he opened his eyes once, raised his eyebrows a few times and I saw some tears coming from his right eye on occassion. Otherwise he was non-responsive with his eyes closed. Right before I left last night (a couple of hours before he passed) I kissed him on the forehead and told him I loved him.
So sad that he is gone, but so happy he didn't have to go through the entire dementia journey.
Thank you for the dialog, and a place to share the story.
When daddy died, we did contact him, but told him he was NOT to come within 2 miles of the funeral/burial site. He was acknowledged as a son, same as your brother, but not spoken of at the funeral.
We also hired and off-duty cop to attend the funeral/burial just because we didn't KNOW what OB might do. He was very much a crazy loose cannon.
OB died 10 years ago. I never think of him. I think I slept through the night w/o horrific nightmares for the first time in ages after that. (He was a convicted pedophile--so it was us kids he abused. Dad would have knocked him into next week if he had known this.)
I do not consider this man to be any relation to me. That's one of the coping skills I had to learn.
Good Luck.
When u probate a Will, you have to send notice to all beneficiaries and interested parties (brother is an interested party) that the Will has been filed with the Probate Office. I could include a copy of the Will or say it would be sent "upon request". Once Probate files the Will its now public. For brother I would say upon request or its on File with the Probate Office. If Dad has money, I may just hire a lawyer and allow him to handle everything and take the Executor fee. I would want nothing to do with this brother. I would not want him to have my phone # or my address. When he finds out his has been written out of the Will, there may be repercussions. Better he deals with a lawyer.
I would have the attorney send him a letter after dad dies.
If there is a reading of the Will that he has to attend he will be informed at that time.