So many battles to fight, about the care in memory care. My Mom's ostomy was not changed after 2 weeks, her hair not washed and she's still hungry after dinner. Any advice?

When my mom was in MC, I had to scedule standing appointments with a salon and pay that bill separately. According to state law, the med tecks could only supervise her injections and not make judgements. As far as ostomy bags, that is a skilled nursing job. If she is hungary, is she going to dinner with the residents or is she just not eating? You need to contact the administrator to see what jobs are included in the contract.

There is some feeling of an asylum. They are usually careful about residents leaving unaccompanied. However, they should be clean and providing medical attention as well as some social interaction. This latter can depend on your mother's cognitive level. However, I have worked in medicaid facilities (in PA) that were much better than you describe. I am not familiar with ostomy care, but there are almost certainly written rules of what is expected by medicare. Two weeks is too long without a shower. Contact your state department of aging. Ask them what is expected of a facility. Medicare has an online source of facilities' ratings. Your library research librarians should be of help. Believe me, they look at these things, And the facilities worry about it. Go to the director and raise hell. Have a specific list of what you have observed. Call the state or local aging department and ask what your options are and be prepared to discuss this with the director. If this is scary for you, recruit a friend, minister, or some such person to come accompany you. Your mother may not be old enough for medicare, but medicare expectations definitely apply to a facility such as you describe.

My mother’s MC is like Lea’s mom’s. If your Mom’s isn’t treating her satisfactorily, perhaps it’s time for a move.

Confabulating can be an issue for dementia patients, however. My mother swears that she doesn’t get fed. This is not true. I come in, and she’s at a meal.

Sometimes, she says that she’s not allowed out of her room. Also, not true. In almost every visit, she goes in and out of the room, asking questions of the caregivers.

I'd say every one of those is a big red flag. Move her to a better place, because that place is terrible.

Every nurisnng home should be attempting to make its residents feel at home because it IS their home. If your mom didn't live like that before, she shouldn't live like that now.

Please give a call to the office on aging for your state. I'm assuming that the MC unit that your Mom is in, is licensed. If it is not, start looking for a licensed facility. If it is licensed, the office on aging can tell you group that is responsible for the licensing of facilities. In my state, evaluations are done once a year, and are public record. Look to see what violations your Mom's facility has, if any. Look at what other facilities have been cited for.

Showing movies all the time, versus engaging in conversation can happen in MC. Lack of activities can happen at an MC.

Locked doors are normal. Patients locked out of their room, is normal (especially if they have a wandering patient who likes to take things). Not being able to go outside is normal.

If you don't like what the facility is doing, start your research to look for another facility. Your Mom will adjust to the new facility, especially if she did not "bond" with the old facility.

Many of the places that advertise hotel like mc conditions have similar complaints.

The ones that don’t do not resemble hotels. One of the highest rated doesn’t even have showers in each room. What stood out to me on Yelp was a reviewer relieved because she didn’t have to hire or pay for individual caregivers. Which the Atrias and Brookdales are increasingly requiring despite costing twice as much.

My LO named hers, ON HER OWN, her “hotel”.

She had all the things that your mother is missing.

SHE herself was not very cooperative for the first few months, and the staff bent over backwards to help her adjust.

I’m so sorry that this is happening to her. Do you have any alternative settings to research for her?

No Memory Care ALF should be like an 'asylum'; it should be like a nice, hotel like environment where your loved one is properly taken care of, changed frequently, given activities to enjoy, good, hot meals to eat 3x a day and snacks to enjoy 3x a day (as well as seconds after meals if your mom is still hungry), trips to go on at least 2-3x a month, 2 showers a week (including hair being shampooed), a nurse to hand out meds, and a relaxing, clean room or apartment with clean linens on their bed and a bathroom that's tidied up daily. If your loved one is getting anything LESS than that, move them to a better Memory Care ALF as soon as possible.

Who have you spoken with about the unacceptable circumstances that exist in this Memory Care ALF? What sort of care plan has been set up for your mother and why isn't it being properly carried out? Why has this situation been going on for 2 months and getting worse? Paying exorbitant monthly fees and getting very bad care & service is not something you should stand for, and you should be demanding answers and MUCH better care moving forward.

Good luck getting answers and/or moving mom out of there.