My Mom has Alzheimer's and is in memory care. Her sister holds POA and is trying to keep me from taking her out of the home for a drive. What can I do?

When my mom was in assisted living I took her for a ride at least once a week and it was great for her to see the countryside, mountains, and farm animals. When she was in memory care it was suggested to me by the supervisor to take her for a ride, since she was then considered high functioning. It did not work out well. She got really confused and did not enjoy the scenery like she used to. We stopped at a park and she watched a father help his children fly a kite and she could concentrate and enjoy that, but overall it was not a success. After that I'd just help her go for walks around the garden at the home, help her organize her room, take her a special treat to eat, and such things. I know it seems that your mom would enjoy a ride, but it might be that she really would not. Keep visiting, as that is most important now. She probably really looks forward to your visits.

It's so important to remember that those with dementia have brains that work differently from a normal person's. Ms. Normal might think, "Help, I've been sitting in this recliner for so long, and I need to see my friend and want to go to our favorite restaurant, the one with the red awnings." Ms. Dementia might think, "Cozy. Soft. I like the cushion on this cheep. No, not cheep. Chair. It's a chair, no it's a bed, and then she says, "What do you call this thing?" and pats the arm of her chair. You say, "That's your recliner. Would you like to go in the car to see Linda, your friend? We could go to your favorite restaurant." Ms. Dementia, by this time, is staring at the TV screen. You've made no impression at all because (1) she didn't understand what you said because she no longer knows who Linda is, what a friend is, or that a restaurant is a nice place to go. (2) She's happy in her recliner which is her own little very small world where she is safe. So it's time for you to leave. And that was your visit to her life. Unfortunately, things will not change for the better. The upside is that she is perfectly happy by the standards by which she must now live.

My cousin wanted to take my father out of memory care for lunch. Since Dad with vascular dementia still got along well with his nephew (unlike me who he was angry with for placing him) I agreed. Dad had no major mobility or incontinence problems at this time. When my cousin picked him up for lunch Dad could not decide where he wanted to go for lunch, not even when my cousin drove him down restaurant road. My cousin finaaly selected a restaurant which Dad agreed would be nice. Inside Dad ordered a favorite meal then became very verbally aggressive when there had been minor changes since the last time he ate there (butter with baked potato and sour cream and chives only on request). After he got his extras the meal visit went well until it was time to leave. Dad thought he had driven to the restaurant and was upset he couldn't find his car, but eventually was persuaded to join my nephew in his. They went by an ice cream store and everything went fine. Then a drive around and back to the MC. Dad happily discussed his collections with his nephew using photos hung on the walls of his room and my brother joined on his daily visit. When my nephew got up to leave, my brother got up to leave with him... and my Dad melted down. He became so aggregated he was tranquilized (concerned his heart and blood pressure could not take the strain). The MC staff reported Dad was "out of shape" for several days afterward.

My cousin lived about 100 miles away and came to visit about every 2 months. He went back to his normal visit routine of bringing an outside meal in with him and eating it in Dad's room or on the common area porch and had normal visits.

Even though my father functioned well in the MC environment, he had problems when taken outside of it - even for trips to the doctor. Your mother could have the same type of problems too. With ALZ, they could be a lot worse. Are you prepared if your mother tries to leave the car as you are driving down a highway? Becomes completely confused at a restaurant or home?

This could be my MIL.

Dh and his sister think she needs to get out of the house (she has not left it in 3 years and that was to get ONE covid shot).

She is in OK shape and anything that 'stirs the pot' just ramps up her anxiety to epic proportions.

It's not the logistics of getting her in and out of the car, it's the emotional toll it takes on her.

I kind of get it--My Dh's idea of a perfect day is one where we drive aimlessly and if we get in 400 miles, 2 states and 12 counties..he's thrilled. Me? I want to drive up the canyon and have dinner and hike a little and go home.

If she requests a drive, or outing, that's one thing. But I bet she's not hankering to go anywhere. It's a nice gesture, but often leads to confusion and the re-adjustment to 'regular' life.

I find it amazing my husband is able to take his mom to lunch, she returns willingly. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop when she doesn’t return willingly…

that being said his brother cannot. She isn’t willing to return

I would not do it.

Tostrom, sounds like your Mom's sister understand how dementia works. She is doing the right thing by not allowing ANYONE to take her sister out of Memory Care for whatever reason, even a short trip.

You mentioned you know your Mom's routine. Curious why would you want to throw a wrench into her routine by taking Mom out for a ride? Doesn't make sense. You could find yourself having an extremely difficult time trying to get your Mom to return back to Memory Care. Or if she does peacefully return, she could be a handful for the Staff saying she wants to leave, etc.

When my Dad was in Memory Care, not once did I ever think of taking Dad out for a ride, and here I was Dad's Power of Attorney. Routine is so very important, no interruptions.

One thing to check is that you aren’t substituting your frequent visits for M getting involved in other activities. I’m sure she enjoys your visits, but she may be saying ‘No, my daughter’s coming in a while’ so doesn’t do the interesting things available. Perhaps you could go to the activities with her?

My MIL’s NH had an arrangement with a church that usually had three or more weddings on a Saturday. All the flowers were cleared out ready for the next batch, such a waste. They went to the NH for an activity – take them apart and fill a different vase etc. I actually enjoyed it myself, with her.

The POA will leave a list of names at the Memory Care ALF of who is allowed to take your mother off of the premises. If your name is not on that list, you won't be permitted to take her off of the grounds for any reason whatsoever. If you have an issue with the lack of activities provided for her at the MC, speak to the Activities Director and ask why she's planted in front of a TV set in a recliner all day long, if that's really the case. In my mother's MC, there was A LOT of different activities going on all the time, but it was up to the resident to decide if they wanted to participate or not.

You can continue to spend all that time with your mother at the the MC, you just won't be able to take her off of the premises, which is likely a good idea anyway. Unless you have a ton of experience with advanced dementia and incontinence, you may not be prepared for what can transpire when you bring your mother into unfamiliar territory. It can turn into a nightmare in short order. Our idea of what's 'the right thing to do' isn't necessarily 'the right thing' TO do in reality!

Stimulus isn’t always a good thing for those with dementia. Sometimes they get frightened when they don’t recognize their surroundings. Also it may take them a while to settle down once they get back to the place where they now live. That may be why her sister objects.

Yes, she can. And in my opinion, she should.

Your moms alz is advanced enough that she needs to be on a secure floor. She has adjusted there.