My mother has lived with me for 3 years, and in those 3 years I have watched her deteriorate physically. Her arthritis has progressed so much that she groans with every step. She sits on her chair all day and rarely gets up only to use the bathroom- which is about every half hour. I never hear the water running so I know she doesn’t wash her hands. She hasn’t taken a shower in almost a year. She wears the same old ratty clothes every day even though she has new clothes. She doesn’t comb her hair and does nothing to make herself look presentable. My home smells because of her smell. I can’t have candles lit or use strong air freshener because she is allergic to everything. My husband moved out to an apartment because of this. I am beside myself. I have confronted her several times about her appearance and lack of self-care and her response is that I shouldn’t let things like this bother me. I have told her that she needs more care thank I can give her. I have to prepare all her meals, and serve her as she can’t even hold a paper plate. I constantly have to make separate meals for her because she will not eat anything with any flavor. I also have a young child, and a full time job. I have neglected myself and feel like I have no worth other than to serve everyone daily. I am so sorry and feel so terrible but the sight of her makes me sick and my stomach turns. She says I am crazy for taking a shower every day and washing my hands every time after I only pee. I just can’t take the disgustingness any more. It’s not only a matter of cleanliness but now health. What happens when she gets a UTI from not cleaning herself? I have tried to explain that I don’t have it in me to care for her 24-7 but she refuses to hear me. How can someone do this to their daughter? I would never expect my kids to take care of me at this point. No siblings to share the responsibility. Her doctor seems to think she’s okay because she lives with me and still has her mind. What do I do? Where can I get help? I feel like I have no way out and honestly don’t even want to get out of bed in the morning anymore; what for? To serve? My husband left and I am so depressed.
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Your mother needs 24/7 nursing care, and you have turned your home into a smelly nursing home just for her. On top of that, you chased your husband out of his home. Would you put up with this if your husband brought his mom to your home and she did what your mom is doing? I certainly hope not.
You have the power to undo the above.
Move your mom to a nursing home because that’s where she can get better care than you can give. You can take back your home for your husband and child. Best of luck to you.
In general, I would take your life back and put her in a nursing home.
My mom is similar with not caring about hygiene. YUCK. I can't let her help in the kitchen and want to puke every time she licks her fingers instead of using her napkin. Seriously?
Her severe pain - is it being treated? I think she could benefit from some evaluation and some pain meds and PT.
Your kid and your hubby have to come first.
Don't talk to your mom about this. Start making plans and let her know at the last minute. She may hate it and be mad at you, but you deserve better.
Good luck.
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Call your husband and ask him to meet you for coffee or tea or ice cream or whatever the both of you enjoy, just no alcohol. Put yourself together and tell him in person that you are sorry that you let things get so far out of control with your mother that he left. He deserves an apology. Tell him that you know something needs to change in order for him to come back home. Ask him what his thoughts are on choices A and B above. Let him know that Hear him out.
Recognize that your husband may express a range of emotions - sadness, anger, frustration - about the situation with your mom. Hear him out. Reinforce to him that you want him to come home.
Call a cleaning service and have your home cleaned. Even while you're having discussions with your husband and making whatever arrangements for your mother, you will feel better in a home that has been professionally cleaned.
And Faith, you owe it to yourself to do self-care. You deserve time to do something nice for yourself. Be kind to yourself.
Maybe this might help you to make one call, whether it is to tell your mom’s doctor that she must go into care and request that he tell you where to turn, or to a social worker, or to a public health seniors nurse, or a counselor for yourself. You need some support from an expert who can help you enter the system of care where you live.
I would also suggest you do this before making demands that your mother move or pay for a cleaner or whatever. Arm yourself with knowledge, e.g. how do you actually get your mother into care if she objects?
I agree that you should involve your husband in these initial steps if you can. If you want him home, he needs to know that you mean it. I also agree that you should hire a professional cleaning team to power through the house and get some fresh air in there.
You can do this! It’s hard when you’re feeling depressed. But taking that first step can be very empowering.
Actually, never mind, you got it right. Your mother needs more care than you can give her.
Start here: https://ilaging.illinois.gov/resources/helpline-main.html
Give them a call - it's a helpline "For Seniors" but it's for you too as the senior's primary caregiver - and ask for a needs assessment. They should be able to connect you with your local provider.
You have every right to live in place that is clean as per your standards, not to mention responsibility for your child, I won’t even mention marriage, unless you fix this living arrangement.
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