I'm 63, married, with grown kids living away from home, and an unexpected and reluctant caregiver for my 86-year old mother. She and her 13-year old untrained dog (who pees in my house) moved in with my husband and me from another state after a health crisis in May 2022. Trying to figure out where boundaries need to be, how to respond to my mother's demands, navigate caregiving with a very demanding full-time job, and take her to/from endless doctor visits. She has advanced COPD, colon cancer, and breast cancer, all diagnosed just before or after she moved in with us, due in large part to her avoiding appropriate health care and healthy living for the last 20 years. Although I don't doubt that she has physical limitations, each disease is being well managed with medicine and, according to doctors, “won’t kill her.”
She was a recluse for almost 20 years after my (wonderful) dad died, not allowing anyone in her house. When she had a health crisis in May, I was finally able to enter her house. It was a hoarding situation with pet and human waste. She is still a slob, and turning her room in our house into another hoarding situation.
She won’t get out of bed except to go to the bathroom. I think it’s mainly a show to justify being waited on every waking minute. For example, she “requests” that I provide very specific food (like 4-course meals that we never prepare for ourselves) at very specific times. She demands a response to her requests immediately (within 2 minutes or she starts texting me "did you receive my text," "where are you," "what are you doing--I need you now," etc.).
I'm a Christ follower who passionately believes in "honoring my mother and father", yet can't reconcile that with the demands placed on me by someone who claims they want to be independent, but lies in bed all day doing nothing to help herself at all.
Although she is relatively pleasant now (she says all she wants is "peace"), she was a toxic mother in my childhood and adulthood, and I fear that if I try to set boundaries, her old self will re-appear.
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What mental health services is she receiving?
Folks who are mentally ill generally need more support than us mere mortals, their adult children, can give. Did your father cater to her every whim?
"Honoring" your mentally ill parent does not mean saying yes to their every request; nor does it require that we tolerate unhygienic conditions in our homes.
Start by getting your mother to a geriatric psychiatrist. Then find yourself a therapist who can help you set some healthy boundaries and learn that saying "no" is not the same as disrespect.
You're right, she should see a therapist. But she is the poster child for stigmatizing mental illness. I suggested it about 10 years ago, and she wouldn't speak to me for 18 months. But my seeing a therapist would definitely be beneficial in helping me overcome my fears and establish those boundaries.
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#2. What sort of doctor tells a woman with advanced COPD, colon and breast cancer that none of those diseases are going to kill her? At 87. When advanced COPD ALONE is terminal and will kill a person sooner rather than later. Somebody's pulling somebody else's leg, aka Lying.
#3. How is an 87 year old woman who's firing out texts demanding a response to her requests immediately (within 2 minutes or she starts texting me "did you receive my text," "where are you," "what are you doing--I need you now," etc.)." "relatively pleasant"? Last I heard, Queen Elizabeth died and didn't appoint your mother as her successor. But you're asking her "how high" when she screams "jump" so there's that little issue to keep in mind: you're extreme fear of your mother & refusal to say No.
This isn't about "honoring" your parents or any such thing. This is about your fear of standing up to a bully and getting her and her dog out of your house now and into managed care of some sort where she pays others to put up with her atrocious behavior and self indulgent habits. (Which of course nobody will do bc her demands are just THAT outrageous!)
My suggestion is to get some therapy to help you figure out how to do that very thing. Or get your husband to read her the riot act and help her pack her bags. Her vacation in your home has just reached an end & it's check out time.
Good luck taking your life and your home back!
In your situation, I would never take care of a person that was demanding, had poor hygiene, and I would find it difficult if my childhood was poor. Caregiving is difficult enough with a wonderful loved one let alone a toxic one. I would not do it. God does not expect you to be abused, live in filth from another, get exhausted, or neglect your family. It will only get more difficult as time goes on. I feel sorry for your mother with all her health issues but if you keep this present situation you will develop health conditions yourself if not already.
It was such an immediate crisis that I really didn't have time to think about it. She has been pleasant, but now I'm starting to see that demands are demands, regardless of whether they are delivered in a pleasant manner or not.
I have actually already taken a mental health leave from my job. I can't quit because we depend on both of our salaries, but I have to go back soon and can't imagine how I'm going to make it.
"Just gotta re-set expectations without bringing out the toxic reactions..."
So she has a toxic reaction.
So what?
Let her have a meltdown. If it's really bad, call 911 and have her transported to the hospital.
Your mother lied to you-made her medical situation and the DOG'S medical situation sound dire. You swooped in and now you are paying a heavy price for falling for her manipulation and your conflict-aversion (learned at your father's knee).
Your mom needs to be told that as she isn't holding up her end of the bargain, she will need to reside elsewhere by the end of November.
Who holds her POA for finances? Is she Medicaid eligible or does she have funds to pay for Independent or Assisted Living?
Look at it this way, you are disabling her by serving her in her room. If she is capable of getting around, she needs to get up and move. She is told meal is ready at the table. If she complaines, she would be told "can't get better if you don't get up and move".
Tell Mom you will be going back to work. This means that the waiting on her hand and foot will be stopping. That at least 10 hrs of your day will be getting ready, driving to and from and working. When you come home, there will be no 4 course dinners. Its whatever you can throw together. Clean up and then some down time for you before bed. If she feels she cannot do for herself during the day, then again SHE can hire a caregiver or go to Assisted Living on her dime. Going back to work is the best time to set boundries. Tell her she has had it good the last 4 months, but that now it has to change.
The book Boundries is Christian based. The one thing my daughter liked in it was "When saying No, you are not responsible for the reaction you get"
Those doctor appts. If Mom is stable and medications seem to be working, then I would see about cutting down on those appts. Drs do tend to milk Medicare. You can't be expected once u go back to work to cart her here or there. If the appts are local, take advantage of Senior bussing. Really, I think Mom should go to an AL ifvshe can afford it. They have transportation to appts and shopping.
Trying to appease her is not going to work forever. You will suffer from trying. You need to learn the word No and let her have her fits. Maybe she will hate living there so much that she will want to leave. My brother asked me one time how I got rid of my kids, I said I B***h. Even after my niece left home, she came over to drop off her dog and my SIL made her breakfast and packed her lunch. When she came to p/u the dog she stayed for dinner. My nephew, he is still living home at the age of 35. Why, because Mom waits on him. Why get married and move away.
"Honoring" goes both ways.
She is not honoring the care that you are giving her, the house that you are allowing her to live in.
Meals are to be served in the appropriate place at the appropriate time. Family members are given the food that the person that is cooking has prepared.
(did you make separate meals for your kids? Did your mom when you were gowning up make you a different meal if you did not like what she made?..I bet not)
If she is physically able then she also has "chores" that she needs to do.
Setting the table, clearing the table, doing dishes and her own laundry and cleaning her own space.
that gets me to her space. She cleans it or she is out. Hoarding is a psychological problem not just a "I can't throw things away" problem and she should get help with that.
Once these boundaries are set if her "Old self appears" even more reason for her to find other housing. This is obviously something she can control.
would you put up with this behavior from one of your kids? Would she have put up with it from you when you were younger? If no then why do you?
It’s been awhile since I read the book but I remember one part discussing the story of the Good Samaritan, humorously retelling it as if the Good Samaritan *didn’t* have any boundaries. For example, instead of leaving the beaten man in the good care of the innkeeper with instructions and money to care for him in his absence as he resumes his own business, the GS allows himself to be guilt-tripped against his better judgment into staying with the man, thereby missing an important camel-buying appointment or something, eventually losing his temper as the beaten man becomes increasingly needy and manipulative, etc. as so often can happen when we don’t set good boundaries from the get-go! I’ve thought of that illustration often over the years as that is my own tendency.🤨
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