My 80 year old mother shouldn’t be living alone. Any advice?

Consider yourself lucky and enjoy your own life. Cook Thanksgiving dinner and invite friends who have no family. Build a life free of your family because yours isn’t worth your time or attention. It’s a tough situation, but you’ll like it when you’ve dumped them and moved on. Good luck.

You say she has been neglectful and abusive all your life, and yet you continue in this manner. Your mother won't b changing. It's time to accept that. It is time to get help for yourself so that you can move away from the caregiving she so clearly doesn't want nor appreciate. Please consider seeing a Certified Licensed Social Worker who does therapy in private practice. She can help you iron out ways to get your mother care when it is wanted and truly needed without rendering that care yourself. I sure do wish you good luck, but at some point you must accept that this is a choice you are making,and you must decide whether you continue to make this choice or to move on with a quality life for yourself. No one will thank you for what you are doing, and people will lose the ability to sympathize with your plight if you are continuing in this manner when you understand it is a detriment to your health and well being.

First off, nobody has to be 'a candidate' for Assisted Living. The only criteria an elder needs to meet is the desire to live there and the means to afford the monthly rent. That's it. Your mother doesn't need to have 'issues' to live in AL. In fact, many elders don't need 'care' at all in AL; they just don't want to live alone anymore, or cook/clean, etc., so they move into AL and they have 24/7 caregivers THERE to help them IF they want or need that help. And they're never alone if they fall or find themselves in need of assistance. So be clear on that, and don't confuse AL with Skilled Nursing where an elder has to be assessed to live there and need help with at least 2 ADLs (activities of daily life) in order to qualify. AL is another ball of wax entirely, and more like social day camp for elders. My parents lived in AL for 4 years before mom moved into Memory Care, so I have a lot of experience with it.

Secondly, something is amiss with your mother, and it may not be her cognizance but her mental health in general that's wonky. She's obviously got something against you, for some reason, that your sister is encouraging, for some reason.........so leave the two of them TO IT. That's my suggestion. To insist on helping someone who doesn't want your help is an exercise in futility. We have people here who are being burdened down with mothers who drive them to the brink of insanity with their needs & wants, and the daughters are at the end of their ropes. You, on the other hand, are being ghosted by your mother, which in a way, is a blessing. I understand your need to feel loved by her, but at this point, it doesn't seem to be viable. So let it go, and be grateful (to some degree) that she's not insisting you wait on her hand and foot 24/7. Leave her to her own devices until and unless SHE asks YOU for help.

So yes, stop checking on her and either go low or no contact at this point. Leave your odd sister to check on mother, or wait till mother asks YOU for help. Then you can decide how to deal with the matter once that happens. You don't have to be kicked in the stomach over and over again to get the message. You went over there to check on her, she locks herself away in the bathroom for such an extended period of time (after screaming at you inappropriately) that you had to leave, for petesake! Who does such a thing? A person with mental health issues, that's who. I have no idea what her problem is, and neither do you. You went over there for a heart-to-heart talk which she shut down. So what can you do? Nothing. The woman prefers to ask friends to help her rather than her own daughter, so that speaks volumes right there, doesn't it?

My mother made it impossible for me to have a close relationship with her. No matter what I did or how hard I tried, she shut me down. Then made me feel like it was somehow MY fault we weren't close. I wasn't buying it. I did for a while, as a younger woman. But then one day I had an epiphany: I said, hey, this is MOM'S mental health issue, not MINE. And that let me off the hook, so to speak. Once I realized it really wasn't 'my fault' at all, but hers, I allowed myself to live a guilt free lifestyle (for the most part) and do the minimum for her (as an only child) and be okay with that decision. Mom lived in Assisted Living and then Memory Care, and I did manage her life for her, so that was me doing my part w/o getting 'close' to her in the process.

Wishing you the best of luck protecting your well being from the ministrations of a mentally unhealthy mother.

Can you have contact as if she’s not your mother, as if she’s someone you might care about as a fellow human being but not as someone you have any emotional attachment to, or need anything from? That’s a tall order, but it’s the only way I see to have a successful relationship with mom. She’s shown you loud and clear who she is and what she’s going to be like in a relationship for a long time, so believe her. It won’t change, except perhaps to worsen. If you can accept that you don’t have and won’t get the mother you needed, and can check in on her with no expectations of things being different or better, do so. Otherwise, leave sister and other relatives to it. And please don’t spend time trying to get answers on the “why” of it being this way, you’ll likely never know, people are often cruel for little to no reason, and in the end it doesn’t matter. What matters is protecting your own well being and building a life with positive people and experiences that bring you joy. I wish you peace