My heart goes out to all, caretakers and parents. Could you imagine being in your parents' position to know they are a burden to family?

Depending on the circumstances, caregiving can be more draining on more levels than anyone could have ever imagined.

I'm a married only child who is PoA for 3 relatives ages 93, 100 and 103. My husband has his own 88-yr old mother to oversee in a facility 3 miles from our house. His step-father had Parkinsons and assumed our family (us + 3 young sons) were going to be his "solution" while we worked full-time and had kids in school (he is now passed away, after we allowed the county to acquire guardianship of him because he didn't want to accept the only possible solution for his care when he was in debt and had no money and lived in a house with stairs, was 6'5" and his wife had cognitive decline at the same time). Adult children can only do so much. He became a burden because he wasn't at all interested on what the impact of his care had forced onto our family. I'm glad his care burden was handed off to the county. He was fed, protected and getting medical attention. It wasn't the solution he wanted but it was the only possible.

Do we love all these relatives? Yes. Can having this much responsibility feel like a burden? Yes. Would we want to be relieved of it if it was grinding our family down to a pulp mentally, physically, emotionally and financially? Yes.

The answer in our case was to find alternative solutions for them that took the burden off us as much as we needed. They may not have liked the solutions but I couldn't l@@k my family in the eye if I allowed us all to go down with the ship. And if we did, then who would be left to help our elders? It's not selfish to put on your own oxygen mask first in order to help those who are less able.

FYI facilities are not the end of the world. My MIL is in LTC gets excellent care in a wonderful facility on Medicaid. Even has a private room, gets taken out on their pontoon boat to fish, has field trips, activities, events, etc. I worked for a solid 1-1/2 years every day to get this solution for her (while I had kids and was working full time). Did she want to go into a "nursing home"? No. Did she ironically put her own mother in a nursing home? Yes.

Plan your own care solution now so that you can avoid "being a burden". Even those with humble financial means can still have a plan. Talk to a Medicaid Planner at the very least. If one doesn't plan now, this would be 100% foolishness since we will all experience age-related decline and then death.

Parents don't have to be a burden to their children. They choose to be a burden by refusing to move into a more senior friendly housing scenario like if they live in a house with stairs moving into a single level home. Same with living rural and far away from medical services. Or moving into an apartment with no yard upkeep and maintenance. Refusing to have a housekeeper a couple of days a week. Refusing public transport to get to doctor appointments. Regusing grocery delivedies. Not wanting to go to adult day care or respite to give their adult child a break. Expecting adult children who may be in their senior years or have physical ailments do everything for them.

Yes getting old sucks and is hard. But do seniors have to make everyone miserable because they refuse to face reality about their limitations and make arrangements to spread the jobs to help the senior around to multiple people and agencies.

No one wants to be a burden. That is quite true. However, it doesn't change the facts, and often those who are a burden cost the time, the life, the savings, even the health of their caregivers. I am 80. I have made it crystal clear to my kids all my life that they are not to take on care of me no matter WHAT. I have worked hard and saved even harder to see to it I have funds for my care. Much of that will come to health and ability not to outlive funds, but whatever care I need s/p having funds for it, I hope will not be a burden that my kids will for a second consider sacrificing their lives on the altar to. At 80, my eldest is 60. She is just now coming down to that time when son raised and put through school, husband retired and she soon retiring in a few years, when she has that window of last time that she can enjoy for herself. I loved my 60s and 70s when we built and enjoyed a small part time cabin, watched nature, chopped wood. That last time that was mine. I would never want my child to give that up to care for me. It is very SAD that when we come to the end of our time some of us are unwell, and need care. We are lucky enough (or not) to live in a country that will keep a roof over our heads in those last years if needed (usually). I was raised that the parents have children, sacrifice a lot of raise them, and then send them out into their own lives and live what remaining years they have best they can. It sounds cruel to many. And many choose the older ways where family cares for family until family is laid out in the parlor for a mourning period. It is all about options and choices and we all do the best we can.
By the nature of being a "caregiver Forum" this will hear the moans and groans of the generation that chose and undertook care of some kind, in some manner for their loved ones. They have a right to this private area to come and vent. And as do YOU, and we appreciate for certain hearing your side of it. But trust me, there is guilt and pain enough to go around (I always encourage the other G-word, grief, in stead of guilt. _) Life is, tough, as the old adage goes, and then we die. Hopefully between the tough times are moments of grace and beauty; we kind of have to pull them out kicking and screaming often enough.
You ask if some will be relieved when the parent is gone. Yes. They will be. When my Dad first died, in his 90s, I felt NOTHING but relief. He was so ready to go and so often had told me he was tired and only wished to "nap" forever. For my Mom it was more a mix of relief and pain, as she was so intent, even in her 90s, to live and draw joy from life. But mostly it was RELIEF. That they had good lives they loved. That they never had to suffer again. That they were at rest. That I never had to live in fear and pain for them and what they had to suffer. Pure relief. Lives well lived. Lucky lives I could celebrate for the rest of my own, and know they were/are always with me.

Geaton is right, plan your own care solution now so you won't be a burden later. It is wonderful that recognize that you could be a burden to your daughter and don't want it to happen. Most of us have/had parents that didn't see it that way. I didn't do hands-on care for my father but I did manage every aspect of this life and it was a burden. He would call in the middle of my work day at my office and expect me to drop what I was doing and come and fix his tv remote....the one I just fixed 2 days ago. It may seem like a simple request but not when he expects it to take precedence over my job. "Just tell your boss your father needs your help, he will understand". Are you kidding me??? Now have this happen 50-100 a week.

My father did end up in AL for nearly 4 years. The place looked like a fancy hotel. He was monitored 24/7. He was safe. He was never 100% happy but his happiness is on him, not me.

I took care of both parents, which meant hands-on care and a lot of hired caregivers. Parents were both narcissists and really had no idea how difficult it was to keep them in their homes. They accepted my inconvenience as their due. Dad spent his last six months or so dying at home with a 24/7 live-in CNA, two or three relief aides, me and another person there when we needed to be. I did shopping, driving to doctors and chemo, making appointments, cooking, home repair, planning for visitors, supervising the help, housekeeper, physical therapist, speech therapist, then the multiple people necessary for hospice in the home. I handled his business affairs, lawyers and the girlfriend that my mother supposedly knew nothing about. The last month or two he thought he was in a hospital and seemed to be trying to figure that out. One day he said, “it’s so easy to set up a hospital in your own home, I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do it.” Yeah, well, I was struggling with health and other issues, and it was miserable for me. Then he died and my Mother started dying, which took 5 more years, but she was clueless about how hard it was to take care of her. Based on these and stories of other caregivers, I’m pretty sure that their caregivers’ difficulties aren’t even on most peoples’ radar screens. No guilt, no worries, just me me me because they’re so sick they’ve lost all cognizance of anything outside themselves.

My mother has no idea she was a burden. She felt entitled to me, 24/7. When she demanded I choose between caring for her or raising my children, I chose my children and placed her in care. Never, ever could I have imagined she’d be so self-absorbed, demanding and abusive. Yet she remained a martyr, certain she was blessing us and the world with her presence. (She is alive - I use the past tense because she has since forgotten who we are) I am very much afraid that one day I’ll become like her, and have told my kids I don’t ever want to do to them what she did to me. And have my grandkids (assuming my kids one day have kids) fear me. And so we are saving and simplifying now. (not downsizing - kids still at home) My husband and I don’t want our old age to become our kids’ problem.

What kind of a mother knows she's a "burden2fam" and then continues to BE a burden, knowing her health issues are worsening and her daughter is in pain and needs surgery? That's the "heartbreaking" part of your post.

Quit making excuses about nursing homes, apply for Medicaid, and find one for yourself where you'll have lots of people your age to talk to every day. 🙄

I always say if you don't want to be a burden to someone, don't be.
If you know you need care and that you're going to get worse, make some arrangements for yourself now while you're still able to.
Move into a senior living facility now that can also meet your needs as the increase. Take care of business now so your daughter doesn't get stuck with having to later.
If your daughter wants you to stay with her and doesn't want you to move out, hire a homecare aide to help you out now. If you can afford it hire a cleaning lady to clean the home once a week.
I believe that there are seniors out there who actually mean it when they say they don't want to be a burden to their family. It's unusual but they exist.
Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about your granddaughters using their mother as a free nanny and daycare center. The only one who can put the brakes on that is your daughter. She has to be the one who stops allowing her daughters to take advantage of her, but you can relieve some of that burden too. Pay for the kids to go to daycare if you can or hire a babysitter.
There are things you can do to help your daughter and not become a burden to her.

If you don’t want to be a burden to your children plan and save for your elder years. Children have every right to complain if parents make themselves a burden to their kids.

Well Burden2Fam,
My parents don't care that they are a responsibility and sometimes a chore to me and my husband. They look at that it is my duty to care for them. Neither of these people cared for their parents or helped their siblings out when they were begged. Their excuses were a mile long.
The fact that they never went to doctor consistently hasn't helped either. My mom's healthcare maintenance never ends.
My father's anxiety never ends. My mom is now asking who will take care if something happens you. So I said the truth you will have to move where my sibling lives or become a ward of the state. She was speechless. The past couple of months have been terrible and it won't be changing soon or ever at all. So yes
I will feel some relief when I am no longer expected to be the end all to them.