My mom puts her bank statements in plain sight everywhere on the table, for all caregivers to see. How would you protect your mom?

Being paranoid to the point of accusing a trusted adult child of stealing is concerning behavior. Not being able to acknowledge that leaving bank statements out for hired caregivers to be able to view is concerning behavior. Unwarranted anger and shouting is concerning behavior. Please have this looked into, starting with UTI testing and going from there. This isn’t said with judgement, there may be changes in mom that you’re too close to the situation to see

I was t MIL's one day, YEARS ago. I was sitting at the table, reading a book, a full 15' away from MIL and DH, who was trying to unsnarl something she had done with her CC acct. She was SO mistrustful that she would cover the acct # with piece of paper and then slide the paper over so DH could only 'see' part of the entire acct # at once. This was taking FOREVER, and finally DH said "Mom, I can't even remember OUR checking acct #, how could I remember YOURS?" She gave me the side eye and said "It's HER I don't trust."

For the love of Pete. I said "V, I am not paying attention and I also don't CARE. Would you rather I went outside and sat in the car while you do this?"

Yep. So that's where I went. She then changed her 'hiding place' for all her financials, b/c she felt I had somehow figured out where she kept them.

Yet she blithely told her cleaning lady she was going out of town from X-day to Y-day and got robbed blind by this woman and her son while she was gone. She gave her cleaning lady the code to the garage and a house key. The irony of this situation was indicative of how she felt/feels about me. Maybe your mom has the same kind of reasoning. Or lack thereof.

My mom is 96 years old and I have control over her bills and mail. Her bank accounts are all online and statements do not come in the mail. We view them online and I will print out what she needs and put them away in the lock and key safe. She is under the impression that statements come every week instead of once a month and different statements come on different days. I have the key to the mailbox so I get the mail. If the statements need to come in the mail, speak to the bank and see if statements can be mailed with sensative information blocked out. If not, then you need to open the mail and block out the sensative information yourself.

From what I gleam from responses, you, verystressed out, needs to (decide to) do what is required vs 'giving in' to your mother's unreasonable, unsafe 'requests' of you (i.e., making printouts which she then lleaves laying around). And, this behavior can / will go into more / other unsafe behaviors.

I question your past / childhood / adulthood relationship with your mother. Usually, our behaviors and feelings about our (selves) parents are developed at a young age.

QuestIons:
1. Are you intimidated by her?
2. Does she trigger fear in you?
3. Were you scolded as a child for not listening / making a mistake?

Whatever is triggering you to do what she wants VS what is in her best interest needs to be dealt with --- before theft may occur (with care providers or others who happen to come into the house).

What are your boundaries?
1. Do you have any with your mother?
2. What is her diagnosis (medical) ? This determines A LOT in terms of how family / POA proceed with care - and managing that balance of an elder maintaining their independence.
3. Do you (ever) say "NO" to her? If you do not say no to her / her requests of you, why not? What are you afraid of? Losing her love, as a mother (a childhood need that was based on 'being a good girl' ... never measuring up to her expectations and therefore, you never getting the love of a mother which - in the best of worlds - is unconditional.

When an elder family member / parent ages and we are required to intervene / take over, our feelings about the relationship (and our self) come out full fledge in black and white - ready for you - to decide on:
1. Do you want your mother 'running you/r behavior' ?
2. Have you allowed her to do this #1 and for how long
3. Are you WILLING to look at yourself and change how you relate to your mother?

Possible Outcomes of YOU changing . . .
1. She may resist / argue with you (100% she will)
2. You may need to step back if you are not her POA and allow her to make her own mistakes / careless behavior and suffer the consequences.
3. Realize we, individually, no matter who we are, can do 'so much' to protect a loved one (from themselves). A POA has much more ability, legally, to put safety guards in place.
4. When / (if) she starts screaming or demanding, or however she behaves - leave. Do not 'take it.' Tell her once - or twice - if you continue to xxx (scream) at me, I will leave. And then leave. She may (likely) start to realize that her behavior / responses to (how she is treating / communicating) you is unacceptable and she will stop. Although, she needs YOU to act on your words (these aren't threats).
- And you can leave for five minutes or five hours or a day or two. The point is that she sees how her behavior affects you and the consequences to her.
- If she is mentally incapable of understanding due to her brain chemistry changing, it is up to you to make legal arrangements to handle what you need to do.

Learn to love yourself ... in new ways
1. Self healing is ... well, everything to our quality of life. We have to do it or deal with how we feel / behave / think if we don't. We lose our energy, our self if we don't take care of ourself.
2. Do affirmations about you - how you feel about yourself. Google affirmations, visualizations and start changing your automatic thought / behavior responses.

Start with a medical evaluation to know what brain chemistry you are dealing with. Watch Teepa Snow's webinars / website. Get support for you, whether it be professional therapy, or friends / church etc.

Without legal avenues, we can only do so much - and 'watch' as decisions of a loved one result in adverse circumstances. It hurts, it is sad. Get her legal matters in order.

Lastly, who is interviewing these caregivers?
Are they from an agency?
Ask for references, both personal and professional.
Ask the agency if they do a criminal check?

I realize I may be totally off base here. Do know: do not argue. It doesn't work. Gena

verystressedout, I have noticed when someone asks you a specific question you tend to over look the question. We cannot help you without you helping us.

I know your Mother doesn't use a computer, but you haven't said if you are familiar with on-line banking. If that is the case, I can see how frustrating that can be.

At least "freeze" your Mother's credit with the 3 national credit bureaus, if you live in the States. Equifax: Call 800-349-9960 or go online.... Experian: Call 888‑397‑3742 or go online.... TransUnion: Call 888-909-8872 or go online.

For more info on credit freeze: https://www.experian.com/blogs/ask-experian/what-to-know-before-freezing-your-credit

A credit freeze with the credit bureaus is now free. I froze my credit over a decade ago and back then there was a fee. I haven't needed to sign up for any of those other watch-your-credit type companies that charge monthly.

If your mother has dementia, she will not “ remember” she had documents on the table. Time to take over her finances and bill paying before she gets CLEANED OUT financially .

verystressedout, yep, my Dad use to do the same thing, keep his bank and stock statements in full view on his desk.

Eventually I had all of Dad's financial statements and bills forwarded to my own address. I took over as his financial Power of Attorney.

You could tell Mom ,using what is called a "therapeutic fib", that everything is now on-line and she would need to use a computer to get her statements.

Ask her if she wants to be robbed blind because she left her business out for all to see. Maybe that'll get her attention.

“My Mom doesn’t want me to touch her documents”. Big deal, why be obedient about something so stupid? Get a folder for them, put it somewhere she can find them if she wants. Even in a folder on the desk is better than on open view.

Have her mail delivered to your home.