My mom passed away 5 weeks ago. It wasn't unexpected, but it wasn't imminent, as far as we knew. I had seen her the week before she died, she did comment that she felt 'foggy' and tired, but that was normal for her, at age 92.
She did die quickly and alone, which is what she wanted.
She lived in YB's house and he began to clean her apartment as soon as they had taken her to the mortuary. We sibs met up at the house the next morning, not even 24 hrs later, and YB had bagged up 80% of her stuff and hauled it to the dump. Wow. That's NOT what we sibs spoke of doing, so we were all on edge. YB said "I am POA and this is my job". He was beyond frantic, and I took hold of him and said "Your JOB as POA is OVER. Rick is executor and he needs to be in control. Please let him do his job. Please let us help."
He did calm down a little, but was still very, very frantic and he was hauling furniture out and making rapid, thoughtless decisions.
I realize that after caring for mom, a fairly difficult person to deal with, for 24 years. We were all grieving. My YS was almost hysterical with grief. I just wanted to make sure that mom's things were given to those to whom she'd left them.
We handled the funeral as she would have wanted. Lovely flowers, short service and a super short interment as it was 107 degrees that day.
We'd planned to go back to mom's a week after the funeral and finish (as a family) all the culling and packing. I went up a day early and her place was empty except for tons of books which were being boxed for the Sr Center. My poor YS was falling apart again, she was so upset and so angry.
YB is bossy as all get out, but he DID take on mom's care and refused help from any of us. For that, I am truly grateful.
BUT he has acted as if he were 100% in charge and although my OTHER brother is now in charge, he is also a non-confrontational guy and will not engage in conflict.
I thought I was doing pretty well. I had to have a cardiac ablation the week after the funeral. It was something I simply wasn't going to put off another day. I have not been back to mom's for 3 weeks, healing from this procedure.
I've been having nightmares and anxiety attacks, which are made much worse when I spend any length of time with YB. So I've stayed away.
I have not cried much, nor felt much. I wasn't close to mom and I am a sensitive person--so to lose a parent but feel nothing, really, seems 'wrong'. I was a little bluesy-blue a week ago and couldn't shake it. DH asked 'what is WRONG with you?" and I said "I think I am just grieving, IDK" and he looked at me and said "What are you grieving about?" He literally had FORGOTTEN that mom had died. Told me to 'get over it'.
I can't seem to step out of this weird feeling. I was not on really good terms with mom before she died. She was a trigger for me and most of my visits with her ended in me driving home, crying.
Is this normal? Or is anything normal? I'll never have closure on some important things and that is bothering me. I'm a little angry that YB turned into a bully when we needed him to be kind and sensitive. I'm hurting for my YS who was mom's absolute favorite.
Maybe when the estate is closed out, I will feel some peace. I'm not taking my inheritance, feeling that I do not deserve it and YB could really benefit.
Just rambling. I can usually GIVE advice. I just seem lost right now.
47 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Midkid, you are dealing with a shocking and unexpected loss, and you are dealing with a family attempting each in his or her own way to deal with the same thing, and deal with all those around who are dealing.
Oh, hey add in a dollop of all you have gone through in the last years. Then add in heart issues????? Oh, dear, oh my. Did the ablation AT LEAST burn out that little arrhythmia or whatever they were after? Didn't work for my partner; and I've been in Fib for 20 years!
So, given all this (and grief is harder when a relationship was unsettled; easier in my opinion to grieve my near perfect parents), I think you are doing GREAT. Just great.
Let the feelings come. Consider them weather fronts. One day stormy, one day overcast, one day a bit of sun, one day hot and one day cold. Let those weather fronts come and go and pray that the hurricanes are rare, the earthquakes hold off.
Love out to you. You're doing fine. My heart out to the rest of them, as well. And oh, by the by, you are so right. The executor is the one to take this on now, difficult as that is for the caregiver to understand after all this time.
Best out to you.
Your grief journey is in it's early stages. Be kind to yourself even if others aren't. Your family has lots of issues and you are inevitably involved. Do what you need to do for you.
Almost anything is normal for grief. And each journey is unique in it's details. The first year has many milestones. Do take care of your health. You have been through enough.
ADVERTISEMENT
Besides your long list of other stressors, this is still your MOTHER that you lost. Any child, no matter how old, could, you’re darn right, still be grieving at 5 weeks!
A hundred fifty years ago, we might have worn black for a whole year, then purple, for another 6 months.
Your husband is WAY off with the comment that you should get over it. I’d love to give him a nice SMACK for that. Let’s see if he feels off when HIS mother passes. No matter how awful she is. I predict he will be a basket case.
Give yourself permission to grieve for AT LEAST 18 months. There is a lot to grieve for.
And, remember, YOU MATTER.
I'll give you my address and you can come over and smack him. I often call my DIL and tell her to go smack my son when he's rude. She just does it FOR me, my private little hit man. And she's smacked my DH and told him he's a jerk many times. THAT resonates with him--since he adores her.
DH just cannot handle ANY emotions of mine. Only 'content' and 'happy'.
I know he has that in him, he just doesn't want anyone to think he's emotional. The last dinosaur like this, I hope. I sure don't see it in my Son or sons in law.
P.S. My husband died unexpectedly in June, though the sitution was less complicated than yours. I'm trying to follow my own advice, and also the advice I heard from another widow, which is to "never say no to an invitation."
Yes, DH is probably 'on the spectrum'--sometimes I am amazed at the lack of compassion and emotional connection he does not have with others. I cut him a LOT of slack.
I'm sorry for the loss of your DH. I fully expect to be a 'young' widow and hope I can do so with grace and dignity. I do wish my DH was generally kinder, though. He's 70, so that's not likely to happen.
Grieve how you want. It's up to you when it's over. You'll know.
I was too 'meh' to get up and go to church this morning. Just...couldn't. And church is a big part of my life--that's where I am getting to know people and it's on me to reach out to meet my 'new' friends.
DH went to visit his mom. He feels so much guilt because he absolutely HATES going to see her, but she needs him for small fixit stuff and I know with my mom dying (his mom is the same age) he suddenly felt like 'oh this is going to happen to my mother, too.) He did give me a mini-lecture about my lack of a relationship with his mother, but, really? 5 weeks after mom dies and he wants me to go to his mother's and make small talk? She didn't even offer a word of condolence to me when mom passed. Actually, DH just wants me to be the 'buffer' between him and his mom, and I have done that for YEARS and won't do it again. He can only see his side of things--and if he wants to think I'm cold and uncaring, then he is welcome to do so.
Having a great win over USC last night was a spirit lifter. Made me realize I need to focus on the good in life. There's really nothing left to do for mom's estate. The geneaology records and stuff--I'm not bringing all that into my house. It's all digitized and these are the actual originals and just a waste of space. I think the one thing I CAN do is get mom's feral cockatiels re-homed. After YB's manic cleaning, he just...stopped. Those birds should have been gone immediately after mom died, that was her wish. PLUS, I am madly allergic to them, as is about half the family. YB went from manic to depressed in a couple of weeks. He'll actually feel better when he gets the inheritance. He does not know that we're gifting it to him. It was always my plan to do so and when I mentioned that to my OS, she said 'I'm going to do that too, $10K won't make a scrap of difference to us."
That should happen next week, there was no property, just a small savings, an annuity, and a life insurance policy. YB said it was simple to do.
Thank you again for all the sweet, calming thoughts. I am feeling like a lot of sleep is in order to help my brain (and quite literally, my heart!) heal. As my heart heals from the ablation, I can feel a slow rise in my emotions and physical well being. I hope that continues.
Yes, OS was harsh. But boy was she right. She knows she can't stop you trying but she has given you an absolute directive that you are not to try on her account.
And why are you trying to do this impossible thing? Because your mother laid it on you as a responsibility.
Your mother died less than two months ago after 92 years on the planet, and you would not be normal if you did not feel the loss. Only, as we hope she is resting in peace, perhaps we can hope that you can find peace too?
By the way - bollocks to giving up any inheritance that your complicated mother all the same did leave to you. Don't be sentimental. At least put it by and think it through for, say, 12 months. YB made his own choices and at the moment you're forgetting how unpleasant some of them were for you.
Now mom is gone, he can focus on his own health (which is terrible). He's needed a knee replacement and has put it off for years b/c he felt he couldn't take the 6+ weeks to recoup. (He could have, mom just leaned on him so much.)
You've been through a lot. It is grief even if it does not feel like it and it will ebb and flow. A death or illness will always raise issues that may long have been buried to the surface, you brother being so used to being the caregiver, feeling he needs to finish out his role or duties such as he sees them whether they are or are not. Maybe trying to close out his role as fast as possible made him make those hasty decisions with the house contents.
I'm sorry your DH reacted in this way, that must have been hard. He may have often seen the impact your visits with your mom had on you (ending up in tears) and not understanding that one can have a difficult relationship with someone and still grieve for the loss.
You seem to show a lot of compassion toward your siblings and I guess my only advice would be to continue to do so and most importantly compassion for yourself. Be gentle and loving with yourself and no need to just "get over it". That is impossible. Don't be surprised if a certain event (like the estate settlement) does not bring an expected "closure". I don't know that there is such a thing!
Nothing is normal. Be gentle with yourself.
I must add, in DH's defense, that he never really got to know my mom. We would go MONTHS and not see the folks, or I would take the kids alone. DH traveled about 75% of the time and so, he simply wasn't around! How can you have a relationship with someone you don't ever see or talk to?
Maybe women have to have those connections with people. DH has only a couple of friends and so when we moved to our new house, he simply had a different garage to pull into after work. Nothing for him has really changed. I was close with MANY people in our old neighborhood and trying to 'keep up' relationships AND trying to make new ones is flat out exhausting. Losing mom, and nobody really knowing about it, since obituaries are online--only very few people knew about it. None of my new neighbors do FB or know my maiden name, so they wouldn't have known.
He hadn't seen mother in over 2 years when she died, & due to covid, he never went to see HER and she was in YB induced lockdown for over 2 years. It would NEVER have occurred to him to call my mom--yet back in the day, when I was trying (pointlessly it seems) to have a relationship with his mom, I would call her weekly and make sure she had lovely gifts on Christmas, Mother's Day and her birthday. She, of course, assumed DH had chosen, purchased and wrapped all said gifts. Nope, not one.
So I can see why mom's death didn't impact him at all. She simply was never on his radar.
I'm going to YB's house to help cull through the remaining few things that are there. Mom had a ton of books and maybe there's some I want to read, IDK. There's nothing left in the apartment, and I kind of want some closure.
I know this will take time. I just hate that every day I feel different and unsettled, and that is normal.
Today I am making my granddaughter's Halloween costume and she is ecstatic to spend a day alone with me. That will lift my spirits, I know. And the Utah Utes play USC tonight so I can enjoy me some college football!
Glad you get to spend time with your GD making Halloween costumes & watching football on tv. One day at a time, right? :)
I am already on antidepressants and antianxiety meds--in fact, my psychiatrist had just begun making me taper off the anti anxiety meds and when I needed them most--I had to be the most scrupulous in taking them.
Took a long drive today to see the mountains in full Fall glory with Dh and we were able to talk--he wasn't working! Then we stopped for a wonderful dinner at an out of the way café and it was fabulous.
I think my sleepathon yesterday kind of scared him. He KNOWS he should step up and be kinder, but it's just not in his nature, and as I posted before, he hadn't even SEEN mom in years, so to him, nothing has changed. I'm NOT a crier, so when I do, he just falls to pieces, so I tend to withdraw when I'm down. Probably not the best way to handle this, but it's me.
Part of what is hanging on is this: I was super close to my dad, and when he died, I actually felt CLOSER to him, like his spirit was now free from his sick, worn body. I have felt close to him when I needed that boost.
Since mom died, I have felt absolutely nothing. I guess I expected to have the same 'after death' relationship with her, and maybe, eventually I will. Just not today and probably not tomorrow.
I do have an appt with my therapist and I know she will help me. Also, now I have no caregiving worries with mom, I can focus a little on myself and the things I like to do. I have come to realize that although I didn't THINK I was doing much to help--I really was, and I can't say I will miss it, but I can say it is a change and I don't do change well.
Some days are fine and some days are exhausting to keep up the 'front'. None of my kids were close to mom, so they also don't feel any sense of loss. She never even MET the raccoon and that is a tragedy, he's so charming and destructive. Her choice, not mine, but I do grieve for her not wanting to have the greats in her life.
I guess it's little griefs like that, that keep popping in my head. I am virtually alone in this loss. Haven't talked to anyone but YB who has kept me apprised of the disposition of mom's will.
I don't want my nuclear family to fracture--but I think it will. Honestly, it really is up to me. OS and YS don't care and the boys are boys...kind of clueless and honestly, YB who cared for mom needs a vacation! I'm hoping the influx of $$ will help him heal. Guess we'll see!