bolliveb Asked October 2022

Need confirmation I am doing the right thing. Thoughts?

Backstory: I reported my mom to the DMV going on a year ago, with concerns over her ability to continue driving. She has moderate dementia and certainly should never again be behind the wheel of a car. She failed the DMV test and no longer has a license.

Her low mileage car has been sitting unused since. She rarely took it out prior to losing her license. She keeps "making noise" about getting her license back. Never going to happen, even if she had the ability to go through the DMV hoops to get another test. I am certainly not facilitating that.

Recently my cousin did not hit a deer. The deer hit her car. The car is currently in for repairs. Rather than have her rent a car, I gave her full access to use my mom's car. I asked my mom "permission," which she gave.

Endgame is the car is never going back into the garage. When my cousin is finished with it, I have asked her to take it to her local Toyota dealer for a "once over." I'm currently on the opposite coast and will deal with it when I return. My plan is to tell my mother that the car has been totaled. I am going to use the "hit a deer" story, so as not to implicate my cousin in any blame game. I have spoken to my cousin about this, and she is fine with it. I will tell my mom she will get a nice check from insurance, when in reality she will get a nice check once I sell the car! I have the title and POA so I can do so legally.

I know I am doing the right thing for my mom, both for her safety and her finances. She has private caregivers in her home. Her money is paying for them, and I want to beef up her resources. I know she will have the fit of all fits. She thinks nothing is wrong with her, and I know that she will start on "have to get a new car."

Please chime on your thoughts that I am doing the right thing, despite having to lie about it. I'm 58, mom is 84, and I still feel like a bad little girl lying to her mommy.

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Yes, you're doing the right thing b/c you're selling a useless car that mom can no longer drive & applying that money towards her in-home care. Applying rules of normalcy & moral behaviors to dementia makes NO sense at all, and those who do such things cause me to shake my head in confusion. Dementia forces us to make decisions on behalf of our loved ones that cause US grief b/c we insist on 'not lying' to them which causes even MORE grief for all involved. For instance, my mother was continuously asking where her dead relatives were? Should I have told her repeatedly, 100x a day that they were all dead & buried, causing her even MORE grief and upset? No, of course not. So I'd tell her they were busy or at the store or otherwise occupied. Yet there are people here who say that 'lying is wrong' and we should always be 100% 'honest' with demented elders! Which is pure nonsense. We do what we have to do to keep them CALM and safe, that's what we do.

So sell mom's car and tell her whatever story you need to tell her to keep her calm in the moment. If she has a fit, so be it. Tell her you'll buy her another car if and when the doctor says she has a clean bill of health and when the DMV gives her her license back. Repeat as necessary. You're not a bad little girl lying to your mommy. Mom is a sick old woman with a disease that's lying to HER, telling her she's fine and perfectly capable of driving a motor vehicle, and that's the lie!

Good luck!

Helpful Answer (10)

You are doing the right thing.

You are doing the moral thing.

You are doing the adult thing.

You are doing the humane and compassionate thing.

You are not “lying”. You are entering your mother’s damaged sense of “truth”.

She may have the anticipated fit or may not. Her “fit” is not germane to your decision.

Take care of yourself, too.

Helpful Answer (7)

Actually, you can sell the car if you're not on the title if you have POA and the parent is deemed incompetent, which it sounds like the OP's mom is. I recently sold my father's car after he had to go into SNF due to progressed Parkinson's with dementia. I am POA and did it all legally, according to my attorney. I just had to get the title notarized, and I sold the also very low-mileage car to my cousin, and right on time to use the funds to pay for my dad's SNF care.

Helpful Answer (5)

The alternative is worse. The deer is conveniently dead. The story is a good one. And next week or month or year you’ll have to make up another story about something else and she will have forgotten about the car. Deer me!

Helpful Answer (5)

You just keep reminding her … “oh my, you may not remember but the day the car was hit by the deer it was totaled. Remember we talked about that”

(4)

Yes, my POA gave me the permission to sell and that was an immediate POA.

I think what your doing is fine. We need to tell little fibs when dealing with someone with a Dementia. The car needs to be out of sight. Out of sight, out of mind. Mom will eventually forget she had a car.

Helpful Answer (4)

Not only are you doing the right thing for your mother you are saving the lives of other drivers who may be on the road if your mother decided to drive the car. As for selling the car I think your story sounds perfect and quite frankly by the time you sell it and she sees you again she’ll probably forget all about it. Out of sight out of mind especially if she has dementia unfortunately I had to do the same with my husband’s truck he was upset at first that he couldn’t drive but eventually he forgot all about it the only problem was I had to keep hiding my purse so that he could not get a hold of my keys. Good luck

Helpful Answer (4)

Sometimes, a white lie is needed to care properly for our loved ones.

The lie is a bit elaborate imo. Instead of a simple, can cousin keep the car at her house to use, as her's is no longer working well? Now that you have conspired the lie with cousin.

My family was super dysfunctional, so if I ever were to do a white lie, I would not include anyone else in the lie. All too often, they will throw you under the bus to side with Mom.

When it comes up, tell Mom that you sold her car because: TRUTH:
"She failed the DMV test and no longer has a license."

In any case, keeping her from driving is doing the right thing, anyway you can get it done.

You can soften the change in status by offering to drive her on a regular schedule. It is a difficult time for the elderly, these changes.

Helpful Answer (3)

You are doing the right thing, because you carefully have considered Mom's feelings while still doing the right thing.

(4)

Yes, you're absolutely doing the right thing, and honestly, with the car out of sight it way well just disappear from her mind, too. Don't bring it up unless she does, and the white lie may not even be necessary.

Helpful Answer (3)

My input is to do what you need to do but tell your mother the truth. I think that she deserves that much.

And let her get mad - you can't be responsible for someone else's feelings. You're doing the right thing. Just don't lie to her.

Helpful Answer (3)

We did something similar with my grandfather. We told him that we loaned it to his daughter in law. After 2 weeks he forgot he had a vehicle. Your mom may not be at that point though. I am sorry if this offends but everyone "deserves" the truth, however the reality is for your sanity lying becomes your friend unless you want all out hell to break loose. Do what you feel is best for your mom and don't think another thing about it. Now that my mom has Alzheimers I have learned to be whatever my mom needs in the moment. That is what is best for her.

Helpful Answer (3)

Please. All these moralistic judgmental truthers. Me, I'm just trying to survive this. Whatever works.

(4)

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Need confirmation I am doing the right thing. Thoughts?

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