My father in law has been living in our den (we did not have an extra bedroom) for almost 2 years. The first year he was very ill. He had COVID, then a heart attack/heart surgery, and then cancer - so he clearly needed care and I had all the empathy for his situation. I cooked for him, helped my husband with caring for him, and tried to make him feel comfortable.
Now he is in remission and almost fully able to care for himself with few exceptions (stairs, for example). But he has no respect for our space or for me.
For example, he is abusive to my cat. He throws things at him and hisses at him when the cat walks by him. My cat is extremely friendly, and he cowers when he sees my FIL coming. We have to put him down in our finished basement when we are not home to make sure he's ok. I'm convinced the reason he does this is just because he's mine from before our marriage.
He does not shower or bathe, and often leaves a disgusting mess in the (only) bathroom for one of us to find and clean up. Just yesterday he left a completely disgusting clogged toilet, and then lied about it and tried to blame it on my kids. My kids weren't even home up to that point.
He is rude to my kids too - yes they are his grandchildren. Most of the time he ignores them, but when he blames them for things he did, they are hurt and don't understand why he would do that.
He pees on our deck when someone is in the bathroom, instead of knocking. He uses our towels to wash himself in the bathroom, often leaving poop on the towel and just hanging it back up on the rack.
He leaves opened and half eaten food on the floor in his room, and when he cooks, he leaves a huge mess in the kitchen for someone else to clean up.
Frankly, it's unbearable. We are renovating a walk-out basement apartment for him to live in, but we have serious concerns that he will trash it. And I'm ready to tell my husband either he goes, or I do. I just don't know what to do anymore - I can't live like this anymore. What can I do?
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I almost had good news coming back here, because after I lost it about the bathroom situation the other day, he told my H that he was getting an apartment...but that fell through because the rent was higher than he thought :-( And now I don't know what's going on, there's talk about continuing the renovation. I'm going to have to bring this up again, I thought I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!
The amazing thing is, he does not have dementia. This is just HOW HE IS. Which is even worse. There is definitely something wrong with him, but dementia isn't the culprit. I actually think he has Asperger's, but I also think he is just extremely immature as a person and doesn't even think what he's doing is not normal.
As for how my H feels - he is very torn because he has a lot of empathy for his dad (understandable), but all this drives him crazy too. He feels the same way I do, but he also feels a sense of obligation to his dad because there is no one else to help him. His parents are separated, and his mom doesn't offer to help (even though technically they are still married). His brothers are both addicts and do not live locally.
I'm going to talk to him again today, crossing my fingers we can make some progress in getting him out.
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Glad the cat has a safe room to be in, and cats are a great judge of character in a person. Some people just don't like cats, and your Dad-in-Law is one of those people.
Also - he loves cats. He had them growing up. He just doesn't like MY cat. It's ridiculous.
Tell DH you're done playing hostess to his father now. DONE.
Best of luck.
Before you threaten to leave, I'd send the kids for a sleepover and take your husband out to dinner. Find out what HIS thinking is about his dad continuing to reside with you. Tell him you will be supportive of plans to get dad more care outside the home.
It very much sounds like FIL has developed some dementia. Has he been evaluated for that?