Priority vs responsibilities for joint caregiving. Any advice?

I was kidding with my mom to try to take the sting out of moving to a nursing home, but I treated her move like I did my kids' moving into their dorms for college. (I told her to "stick to the books and forget about the boys," which was what her father told her when she left for college in 1947.)

I was not a helicopter mom for my kids, nor was I going to be a helicopter daughter with my mom. You have to give up some control, have faith that the NH folks know what they're doing, and just be there enough to keep tabs that everything's going all right. You are now part of a team of caregivers, and no one person does all the work of a team.

Your job now is to love on your mom, and the rest of the heavy lifting is the job of the nursing home staff.

My Mom is in a SNF, and I have dropped my visits to once a week or even every other week. I could never and didn't want to visit every day as I have a full-time job, teenagers who need support and a desire to enjoy my life.

You are paying for them to care from your LO and that should include hygiene including help with dental care. If you LO isn't eating, they will help with a nutritionist or find ways to try and get them to eat more.

Your priority should be to ensure your LO is in a safe and caring environment where you aren't providing the care. I would personally reduce the frequency of your visits and let the SNF do what you are paying them for.

Well explained.
The takeaway being:
"You are going to need to learn to let some things go".

My parents moved to my state to be close to me when they got old & needed help in 2011; I was their only child. I can honestly tell you I did not feel 'all relaxed' ONE SINGLE DAY during the time they lived here, in IL, then AL, then Memory Care AL, until the day they both passed away and even beyond. When a 'child' is responsible for a loved one in any way, there is no 'relaxation' involved whatsoever. If you have someone else helping you with this 'joint caregiving', you can feel somewhat relieved for that at least! Sit down with the person you're sharing this caregiving responsibility with, and decide who will do what and when, and then let it go in between times it's your turn.

The whole idea of a loved one being in managed care in the first place is relieve US of having to spend 5 hours per day caring for them. That job belongs to the NH your loved one is in, and a phone call on your part should suffice. A visit once a week should be enough but if you find it necessary to manage all of the details THEY should be managing, then your loved one is not in the correct facility! You should also not be paying for any of the professional care involved, either. That responsibility lies with your loved one and their insurance provider, savings, etc. It's a good idea to get to know the staff at this NH so you can learn to trust them, then give a call over there to check in to see how your LO is doing vs. driving over there daily.

Dental care, in my experience, should be done only on an 'as needed' basis b/c it's traumatic, expensive, and difficult to arrange, as discussed at length in that other thread you're following. See to it that the staff at the NH is helping your LO brush their teeth every day, and then let the matter go until & unless an issue crops up.

Realize that nothing pertaining to elder care is perfect; much of it leaves something to be desired b/c old age & infirmity is hard. You can't fix that for your LO, so don't try to. Do what you can for your LO without ruining YOUR life or your health in the process. Realize that your LO is in managed care where they are getting their needs met on a daily basis, and THAT is the most important thing. It's tough to learn to trust the staff, but it's vital for your sanity to do so!

Best of luck!

My mom’s NH caregivers used a regular toothbrush with minimal toothpaste to brush her teeth. There was little to no “rinse and spit” as she couldn’t much do that part. Twice a year my dad arranged the local handi van public transport to take her to the dentist they’d used for years. Dad rode along. Her dental care was done to the best it could be in her circumstances. My dad was in the NH daily, but then he lived 10 minutes away. You do have to learn to trust the staff, and check in with them often.

You are going to the NH way too much and staying far too long. a couple of times a week and visit for an hour. The nursing home monitors weight, food intake. They should checking his/her dental hygiene as well.

"going to NH every day for 3-4 hours (plus driving about one hour)"

This is going to get old and burn you out. Once you place a family member in Longterm care, you need to realize you have lost some control. No, her care now is not what you would have given the LO at home but they are cared for. I know Moms AL kept records of how the residents ate. Weigh in every month. Any weight loss over 5lbs was questioned and a nutritionist consulted. The elderly really don't eat that much.

When Mom was in LTC I visited everyother day for about an hriuu. The Nurses kept me informed on how she was doing. Being nice to the staff helps. Better to ask than to approach them by saying "why is this not being done" Better to ask "what is the procedure when dealing with..." I would find Mom without a bra. I mentioned this to the nurse because, Mom gets a yeast infection when its skin on skin under her boobs. I mentioned this to my RN daughter and her response was "where are bras" me "in her side table with her socks" daughter "thats the problem. Aides dress from the top down. By the time they see the bra, Mom Mom is almost fully dressed. They have other residents to dress" I hung Moms tops and slacks as sets so I added the bra. No problem after that.

You are going to need to learn to let some things go. My Mom was clean, warm/cool and fed. Out in the common area where she could participate in activities and watch others. She was as happy as anyone in their last stage could be.