How do you protect your feelings when your parent with dementia lashes out?

Dementia often reaches a point where the behaviors become intolerable and the elder needs placement in a Memory Care ALF. You are fully entitled to enjoy your life and all you've worked hard for w/o being reminded of what choices your mother disagrees with. She's had her life with all it's opportunities to make 'poor decisions', and you now have yours.

If your mother continues to make mean and inappropriate comments to you, leaving you distraught and sad, make a conscious decision to change the scenario: get her into Memory Care AL or into Skilled Nursing, or hire in home caregivers (on her dime, of course) to take care of her instead of subjecting yourself to the ongoing mudslinging. Yes, I know she has dementia and 'can't help it', but I also know that you are entitled to have YOUR OWN LIFE here too.

What changes can YOU make to facilitate that? Your mother is 79 years old, according to your profile, meaning this scenario can go on for another decade easily. My mother passed at 95 years old, after suffering from dementia for at least 7 years. And her nastiness only worsened as the dementia progressed. Fortunately, she lived in Assisted Living and then segued into Memory Care AL for the last 3 years of her life, so I could keep my contact with her limited.

Wishing you the best of luck prioritizing your OWN life while making sure mom is kept safe.

I work as a paid caregiver, who has taken a leave of absence from this line of work for this very reason. There is a lot of misinformation about being a caring and compassionate person and being loving and all giving to the elderly and yada, yada, yada. You give care but are met with insults, demeaning speech, aggression and the lack of appreciation you receive. I get it. I'm reading a book called; Boundaries.

Abuse is abuse. It doesn't matter if it being done by a full brain person or someone with a broken one. I know my limits. I know that I would not be able to deal with someone like this hurling insults when I'm trying to help. Someone acting like this doesn't want help.

If I were to continue in this line of work, I would need to develop a thick skin of just doing my job, and getting the hell away from this nonsense mentally while performing care to this individual. This will take conditioning. I'll save my softer moments for people who appreciate the care.

Your mother sounds like my father (rest his soul). He did not have dementia but could be a very mean spirited and hurtful individual at times unless it was something he needed from you.

Do not allow yourself to become a slave to someone's mean behavior. Sometimes, we fall into the approval trap from parent's that were difficult to please. So, we fall into the people pleasing trap.

Maintaining dignity works both ways. I figure if someone can formulate words that are in complete sentences and directed at hurting another individual they have enough cognition to know what they are doing. Even better, if they can remember what they said the next day. I've had this happen.

You can try any of the following:
Gee, I'm sorry you feel that way.
If it is safe you can leave the room.
You can wear earbuds, headphones or other noise canceling device.
You can also begin looking for Memory Care facilities. This is not going to get easier. I have stated before the one thing that would have made me look for a MC for my Husband was SAFETY. If it was not safe for HIM for me to care for him I would have had to place him. If it was not safe for ME I would have had to place him. Safety is not just physical but Mental, Emotional safety as well. And if you are struggling, distraught and sad I think that is hinging on your Emotional and Mental safety.

WATER OFF A DUCKS BACK:
Best advice I've heard, tried and helped is you have to realize she doesn't know what she is doing or saying nor does she mean it. Don't let the ugliness or hurtfulness of her words upset you. She doesn't know what she is saying nor probably remember any of it tomorrow.

When my Mom does this it's like watching GROUNDHOG DAY as it is always the same scene over and over. She's so disappointed in me she wishes she'd never had me. How can you live with yourself? There's no reply that is going to stop the verbal abuse at that point so there's not point in getting upset or playing her little game.

Mom's name is Katherine but I call that other personality "CATHY" which she doesn't like at all. Probably cause I say it so sarcastically. I wanted Cathy to experience GROUNDHOG DAY too so when CATHY comes in the room I just say, Excuse me CATHY I have to water the plants out back and leave. Rather play my game than Cathy's. And it works.

The very best thing I did when I took over POA for my mother (NPD and ALZ) was NOT let her move onto our property. We (I) briefly considered it, and my husband went into overtime telling me all the reasons he felt it was a bad idea but said that he would make it happen if I insisted. Well - I listened to him and boy, am I glad I did! Yes, it would have been so much easier on my schedule to have her close by, but she would have been inside my sanctuary that - it turns out - I have needed badly. Soooo...whatever you do, don't do that!

I also knew she could not live on her own any longer so I moved her into Assisted Living (and now, Memory Care). The biggest advantage this gave me was that WHEN she became abusive to the point of getting under my skin, I could leave her for a few days and know that she was taken care of while I was taking a little down time to recover from her words. I retreat to my home, my happy place, and isolate a bit to do things that edify me and to do productive things that don't get done when I am tending to her more.

Another thing I do is to give myself permission to leave my daughter role while she is being abusive and be a caretaker only. This helps me to draw a fence around the abuse in my own mind, even if not in hers.

I have also called her out on her poor treatment - I try to do this in the most loving way I can, and I realize that nothing I say will change her, but it makes me feel better to stand up for myself. "Mom, I'm trying to give you the very best I can because I love you, but I don't have to be treated this way." Usually, followed shortly, by "I love you Mom. I will see you in a few days."

About a month ago, I had to move Mom to MC because she assaulted the nurse at her AL and she eloped from there twice. Although she and I made the decision about AL together, I didn't give her a choice on the MC facility. I had to move her in a very short timeframe AND there was nowhere locally for me to take her so I chose a place that seemed to be the best I could find and not as inconvenient for me as any of the other places. I took her there while hubs and son moved her stuff out of her AL. She was furious - she hated the place, hated being behind a locked door, hated the people, hated the food. Hate. Hate. Hate. She told me I ruined her life. I responded that I wasn't trying to ruin her life but I needed to know she is somewhere safe. She responded that I had ruined her life the day I was born. That hurt. Deeply. These were the types of words I heard after my dad died and I no longer had him to buffer me against her NPD. I'm so thankful that I have worked through all of that to become a better person, but it still gets through, doesn't it?

But take a minute to think about things from her perspective. How must it be to find your life shrinking to nothing right before you? Wouldn't you be jealous of your daughter who gets to go about a normal life? Wouldn't you hate to see your hard-earned autonomy taken away "in the interest of your safety?" I find that I can't really blame my mom for being unhappy with her life - I wouldn't love it either. The unfortunate part is that she has no idea how to express her unhappiness without tearing me down. I do find, though, that having a little bit of empathy about her situation helps me be the better person, the better caretaker, that I want to be - even if she doesn't deserve it.

In the end, you will survive this and she won't (barring unusual circumstances). You need to protect yourself so that you reach the end okay. Part of that is that you have to act and do in such a way that you can look at yourself in the mirror and feel you did the best you could. Just bear in mind, the best is NEVER ideal, no matter who you - or she - are.

My mother was always a screamer and anyone in her way would do. Nothing has changed as she's aged.

For my entire life she could reduce me to tears with her sharp tongue.

Then one day about a year ago it happened again. She screamed at me and I broke down crying.

And then for some reason that was the end of my tears. A shrink could probably put a label on it, but when she screams at me I no longer feel anything. I consider that a good thing.

If you're reactive to your mother, I totally get it. I hope you can learn to look at your mother and her negative, hurtful comments as a whistle in the wind and not let it get you down.

No one has to live with abuse. It still hurts and affects a person even when it's coming from someone with dementia. Don't tolerate abuse.
When she lashes out at you about your spending habits or what you give your daughter respond with the following:

'It's none of your business what I spend my money on or what I give my daughter. You aren't paying for any of it'.

'You will not speak that way to me. I will leave and will not help you'.

I worked as a caregiver for almost 25 years. Even people with dementia sometimes need to be put in their place from time to time. The person senses that their behavior will not be tolerated from this person (be it their adult child, spouse, aide, etc...) they usually stop with it. If you need to tell your mother the above responses every time you see her, do it because it will help. Then follow up with a period of ignoring to whatever degree is safe.
It's hard to explain but the caregiver has to control the situation when they're interacting with the client (or LO). The client or LO will behave better when they don't get the reaction they want. Sort of like if there's a cop behind you when you're driving most people get a little more attentive and cautious. Not because they're doing anything wrong, but because there's a cop behind them. It's kind of like that when you're interacting with seniors who behave abusively and want a fight.
Whatever you do, DO NOT play her games. Do not try to explain yourself to her or justify anything you do. Do not let her behavior escalate into a fight because that's what she wants. LIkely she's bored and wants attention. When she's behaving badly and instigating, don't give her any.

In my family of origin my mother, sister, and brother loved to argue. Loudly, with comical insults and basic nonsense. Nothing serious. My father and I were peaceful and stayed out of the fights. Listening carefully we discovered the three of them were all usually on the same side of the argument, but still yelling at each other. Some people just like conflict. When my dad, sister, and brother were all gone, my mom had only me and I wouldn't argue and she needed me, so she stopped it for the most part. I usually only had to remind her to be nice. My advice is to not engage at all. No trying to make sense of the attacks or stating anything at all, except perhaps "that was a horrible thing to say". However, even that much might trigger more insults. Walk away if you can or get someone else to deal with her. Try to have a laugh with a friend at how senseless your mom's statements are to get the bad feelings out of you. Or write them in a story. They are not yours to keep, as they have nothing to do with you or anything you've done.

Does Mom live with you? On her own or in an AL.

How does she know about your spending habits? Yes, its not any of her business but maybe say "You don't need to be worried about that Mom, I am very aware of what I can afford to spend." Just because she is your mother does not mean u need to put up with her meanness. You can be firm and say "Mom, its really none of your concern how I spend the money I have earned".

If she is living with you, may be time to place her. If in her own home or an AL, you can walk away when she gets this way. Tell her "Mom, if your going to be mean and nasty, I am not staying" or try the "grey rock method". You literally ignore them. Boundries is a Christian based book by Townsend and Cloud. May want to read it.

You are treated the way you allow people to treat you. At this point in her life, Mom needs you more than you need her. You can chalk up how she talks to you up to Dementia and try to ignore what she says. If she is living with you or visa versa, you may need to place her or move out.

My mother is the same I do everything for her but she says nasty things about me to my sons she is now in a care home as I couldn’t cope at the beginning it used to really upset me but I have learned to ignore her hurtful comments as I have accepted it’s the dementia talking and not her good luck