Is there a wrong way to feel after the death of MIL?

Anger is part of the grieving process.

Your MIL had no quality of life, for many years, as her boots on the ground caregiver, seeing the slow decline causes grief and anticipatory loss for years, often all the tears have already been shed by the time body death occurs.

We all grieve how we grieve and it is as individual as our finger prints. Please do not let your inlaws beat on you verbally anymore. You helped their mom when they wouldn't, they are feeling ashamed right now and appear to be the kind of people that hurt others so they don't have to look at themselves.

Just be there for your husband the best you can and ignore the others as much as you can.

Edit: there are cultures that celebrate death. Personally, I want everyone that I love and loves me to invite every sad or lonely person they know and to have a party at my death with lots of laughter, love, hugs and dancing (in the rain, if possible). Celebrate my life and the fact that I have gone on to my reward.

My dear, one's feelings cannot be denied. But sometimes, they don't need to be advertised, lol!

My mom spent my dad's wake telling everyone how relieved she was that he was dead. She meant it in the best possible way--he was out of pain, in Heaven and she wasn't worried about him any more. A couple of folks were "shocked" by her setiments, but had grieved his loss long before the end.

MilHell, sounds like you should do what you think best for you and now that caregiving is over, try to repair your marriage, if you want to continue in it.

You did waste your best years taking care of your MIL. You can never get that time back but hopefully you use those lessons not to waste the rest of your life doing for others who don't give a damn about you. This includes your husband. Put you first. You deserve it.

I keep hearing the song:
Ding, dong the witch is dead in my head right now.

Let your Dh have his 'feels', This was his mom, no matter how poorly he may have cared for her (in both senses of the word) and now he needs to grieve.

If you cared for MIL, in the sense you were involved in her CG, then your feelings would likely be much different. Being relieved? That's pretty normal. I have no 'good' feelings about my MIL as she has been nasty and thorn in my side for many, many years. I really can't see myself feeling anything when she dies. It will be hard on DH as he has massive mountains of guilt (which are appropriate in his case) about how he feels about her--since My mom passed, he has gone to HIS mom's about 4 times. That is a record, usually he sees her twice a year. I know he's experiencing pre-grief, b/c there is no way he can fix that relationship at this stage of the game.

Your feelings are valid and no, you're not selfish. Quite the opposite.

Stop over-analyzing everything. Your reactions are just as valid as anyone else's.

My FIL was a mostly decent guy, but he loved to start arguments over politics and religion and to stir the pot. There was nothing else to talk about in his life, and when he started pulling that with his grandchildren (my son in particular), I'd had about enough of him. Frankly, he was a pain to be around. When he fell and hit his head then was too stubborn to get checked out, he was dead in 36 hours.

Did I cry over his death? Nope.
Do I feel guilty about it? Nope.

I was "fortunate" in that my mother and my FIL both went into the hospital within two hours of one another and at opposite ends of the state. I wasn't able to be with my husband and his family as they all stood around wailing, because I was at my own mother's side. That was good for everyone, because I'm sure I'd have gotten the side-eye for not grieving adequately. I saw it as the death of a not-terribly nice guy who selfishly made his wife a widow sooner than necessary.

Your feelings are your feelings. Own them, and don't worry what others think.

No go On a cruise or do something enjoyable you have not been able to do in years . Most People take a trip and travel to get back a sense of freedom .

I was relieved by the death of my parents, who were well into their 90s, more than willing to go, wanting to go. I no longer had to fear for them.
There is no right or wrong to feelings. They are simply feelings. There is only a right and wrong way to handle our feelings.
It makes me sad that you did not address this all the time you gave the care. I think that the person you are now angry with is yourself. I would seek some help dealing with the complexities of your feelings. They are all NORMAL. Try to see a Licensed Social Worker who does private practice counselling. They are great at life transitions work and at helping us iron out the wrinkles involved in caregiving.
I am relieved this is over for you. You have a life to live now. I wish you the very best of it. And again, your feelings are spot on normal.

I don't see anything wrong with the variety of responses to her death. I know I will feel relieved when my mom passes. I think you need to get past the anger with your husband. In the moment there are things that needed to be done and mistakes were probably made but we all do our best and often have no exposure to the needs of elders before we are unwittingly thrust into it.

Just read your post about not attending. Sorry but your husbands siblings seem to be in LaLa land. They don't know funeral expenses have been previously paid. I do not like Go Funds. If I personally know the person, I send money directly to them. Just hope others feel the way I do.

I pray this is a new beginning for you and husband. You no longer have the care of his Mom. That burden has been lifted from your shoulders. Please, do not let him get sucked in by his siblings. No caring for them in anyway and no giving of money. Maybe you should write up a contract like Burnt is going to do and both sign it.

Good Luck and keep us updated. May #3 spouse, you and DH should have a nice dinner and a farewell toast to Mom.😊

No, it sounds human. Caregiving is one of the hardest things we'll ever do.