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needdirection6 Asked October 2022

My Dad has been living with us and now wants to move back to his hometown 9 hours away. Any advice?

My Dad had a stroke August of 2021, found on the floor of the house he lived in for over 60 years. He was in rehab until December 15, 2021. He came to live with us as he still had open pressure sores to be taken care of. He agreed at that point to move to our house in a different state (9 hours away). Fast forward to this month...he told me he wanted to go back to his hometown a couple of weeks ago and then brought it up again this weekend. I said, it would be easier if you would stay here in our town. I can help you find an apartment here...he replied his desire to move back. He is 91 years old, mild cognitive impairment. I give him his meds 3x a day, take him to all md appointments, pay bills, etc. I said if you ask 10 people that know you, what would they say. He does not want to hear that. Another piece, I think he believes that he will be able to drive back in his hometown since he still has a valid driver's license. He has had an assessment and was a long way from passing. His MD has communicated that driving is no longer an option. At one point in the past, he said well I can drive back home and it did not matter the results of the assessment or what the MD said. I said matter of fact, I will not let you drive here or there. It is not safe for you or for others on the road.
I want to be sensitive, I know this is a huge change for him. We all want to be able to be like we were 20 years ago. I think it is in his best interest to stay here but there is not the ability for him to understand and reason himself to that answer.
Looking for any guidance....Do I fulfill his wish and find something back there? Do I take a hard stance and say he needs to stay here?
Thanks!

Countrymouse Oct 2022
I can't find the bit where you asked him about why he wanted to return to his home location? It should be in two parts: 1. what is drawing him back there and 2. is there anything pushing him to move away from your family/location?

MJ1929 Oct 2022
Quote the Rolling Stones to him:

You can't always get what you want,
But you just might find
You get what you need.


It's one of the most basic tenets of parenting -- telling kids they can't have what they want -- and now you have to move into the parenting role. You acklowledge their feelings on the subject, put you guide them toward what can realistically happen.

"No, you can't go back to your house
Yes, I know it's terribly upsetting
No, you can't drive anymore
Yes, I know it's terribly upsetting

So now, let's focus on what we can do --together."


That's how you handle it.

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Grandma1954 Oct 2022
Realistically can he care for himself if he were to return home?
If the answer is no then that is the end of the discussion.
Now to convince him that he must stay where he is.
Would Assisted Living be an option? If so take him on a tour of 1 or 2 places that you have narrowed down the options to.
Would he do well in a Senior Apartment? Or would you still be running and managing his meds and all the other day to day activities of daily living? If so that would put a burden on you and I am sure you don't need that.
That leaves remaining with you in your house.
Tell him that if the doctor clears him to drive then you will consider a move. (from your post this does not sound like it would happen so it just placates him for a bit) when the doctor does not clear him the "bad guy" is the doctor that won't let him move.

Deb555 Oct 2022
My father, who had Alzheimer's disease. Kept asking to go home. I finally asked him what he needed to do at home? He answered that he needed to help plant the crops. This last happened when he was living at home as a teenager--over 60 years ago. I told him the farmer next door was helping and the crops were already in the ground (a partial fib.) He settled down after that.

So, my point is to find out more about what "home" means to your father. This may then help you meet his needs and also keep him safe. For instance, if he misses friends, plan a visit perhaps, or phone call, or video chat.

Beatty Oct 2022
"Do I fulfill his wish..?"

My usual answer is put a hat of Common Sense firmly on before assessing any wishes.

Then, sit Dad down & have HIM tell you HOW he is going to accomplish all the steps to make HIS wish happen.

You don't have a magic wand.. so if HE wants this happen, HE must DO it.

Tricky, eh?

Either he can. And you wish him luck as he boards the plane home... Or reality arrives & he starts the process of adjusting - of grieving for his old life. Hard but this is old age! Be his shoulder to cry on 😞💙.

I don't know if this will help, but here is another poster going through similar.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-have-talked-to-my-mom-recently-about-assisted-living-she-tells-me-she-doesnt-want-to-do-that-she-w-477742.htm?orderby=recent
mom2mepil Oct 2022
Beatty, well said! I stumbled onto this exact approach with my own Mom last week, and I was shocked at how well it worked. Mom has moderate Alzheimer’s. After moving her four times in less than 8 years, with the final move being the one she did not want—into assisted living because she had reached the point where independent living was not at all safe anymore—I was exhausted and completely used up. All those moves, the first three of which she chose for herself, consumed months of my time and energy and only resulted in new problems cropping up for Mom that she expected me to drop everything and solve for her.

Last week, she began calling me over and over, telling me she urgently needed to move from her apartment on the first floor at Assisted Living into a larger apartment on the second floor. She said the move was urgently needed so that she could live closer to her friends, who live on the second floor.

I did not answer her calls and let all of them go to voicemail. There was *NO* way I was putting myself through another nightmare move just to save her the 20-second elevator ride from the first floor to the second floor. (Mom has no mobility issues at all and can walk all over the place, climb stairs, etc. with no problem, so this “urgent need” to move upstairs was truly a wish, not a need.)

When I didn’t immediately respond, Mom started calling my sister and my best friend, leaving messages for them about the “urgent move.”

It took about two days for the frustrated, irritated “screaming” in my head to die down. At that point, I decided that, while there was no possible universe in which *I* was going to make that move happen, it would probably be kindest to let *HER* figure out why, for herself. So I took a deep breath and texted my mom back, acknowledging that I understood that she wanted to move to the second floor. Then I asked her, “How will you move all your furniture and other belongings up there?”
Mom said she would see how that could be arranged and would get back to me.

Three days later I received a text from her: “I think it will be easier to just stay on first floor. But thank you anyway. 👍”

So for once, I didn’t have to be the slave or the bad guy. I just handed her the responsibility for taking on the mental and physical load to make her wish come true. I knew she wouldn’t be able to do it, but letting her figure it out for herself worked much better than me saying no. Whew!
TriedandTrue Oct 2022
My dad started the same dialogue every time we visited him in IL and then AL. He wants to go back to his hometown where he knows nobody but insists he has friends. He calls me 3-4 times a week for something he has to have while in AL. At first we tried to reason with him, and now we just change the subject. He hasn’t brought it up for awhile, but I’m sure he will come back to it. It’s irresponsible to let him move there. He would be too far away from any family for us to help him. So, our answer is and will continue to be a resounding NO. My dad will be 97 in two weeks. He started talking like this at 92 after my mom passed. At first, we told him if his doctor said okay, we would move him. Well, his doctor said yes as he didn’t have dementia and he had free will. His doctor said generally they realize their mistake and then will return. Of course the doctor didn’t take into account the exorbitant cost to move and then come back, not to mention the trauma to dad and the extreme hassle for us. The bottom line is that from here on out, your dad is only going to decline and he should stay where family can help him because you can’t trust a caregiver who knows your dad doesn’t have any family close by. Your dad wants to go back in time where he was once very happy and he has lost his reasoning skills.

DrBenshir Oct 2022
No. If he really was able to be on his own he would have moved himself back.

jkm999 Oct 2022
I have more questions than answers. Does he have any support system in place back home? Would he be going back to live alone in his house or would he be going into assisted living? Does he have friends in that area? How often would you be able to visit? Without driving how would he get to doctors' appointments, etc? Is there a real plan or does he just say he wants to go home? Has he established any friends, church, etc to ground him in your location?

He may be lonely living with you and your family. As much as everyone loves one another, he needs some people his own age and interests to talk to and, maybe instead of telling you he doesn't want to live with you, he's changed the conversation to he wants to go home. Better than finding him an apartment he may be better in an assisted living situation with the minimum level of care - meds, meals, cleaning. They would also offer some entertainment and transportation. He could do this in your hometown or, just maybe, in his hometown, although that does come with more complications. There probably is no easy answer to this problem.

TeethGrinder65 Oct 2022
I really feel for your dad. Going home is such a strong instinct, especially at the end of life.

Make a list of everything you do for him from the minute he wakes up to the minute he goes to sleep. Ask him who would handle those things if he were back home.

I'd also get rid of his car asap. He'd be a danger on the road. If he owns a car, see if you can get him to give it to someone so driving wouldn't be an option. And just keep repeating that him not driving was the doctor and DMV's decision, not yours, not his.

I'm sure that he's aware he's declining. If you talk to him as an equal, trying to address all his needs, he may feel more heard and validated. Good luck!

NancyIS Oct 2022
If he is of sound mind, he is entitled to make his own decisions about his life. Make sure all of his paperwork is in order before he leaves, and while he is still capable of signing legal papers. He needs to set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, have a living will with his advance medical directives, and a will if he has assets. I'm assuming you would be his POA. You can also offer to take over his finances. If he agrees, set up all of his accounts online and paperless. Have all bills sent to your address if they can't be paperless. Ask for a credit card on his account with your name on it so you can purchase things for him. If he does go back to his home, he may find that he is less capable of caring for himself than he was before the stroke. Would he agree to have in-home caregivers helping him out with cleaning, cooking, shopping, etc.? Medicare/medicaid will provide some, but may not cover all of his needs. Depending on his area, there may be services to drive him to places he needs to go (shopping, doctors, etc.) It will be much more difficult for you to oversee his care if he moves so far away. But even if he decides to stay with you permanently, he'd need help selling and vacating his home, and car and downsizing. All the best to the whole family!

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