The minutes leading up to his last breath were very traumatic for my mom. On that day, my mom left the hospital and came to my house. At that time, I had no clue she'd struggle so badly returning home. I feel awful that I feel resentful or angry. However, I feel like I haven't grieved my dad for worrying about my mom. The selfish me wants her to be stronger so that my household is not changed. I am 41 with a husband, 13 year old snd 11 year old. My mom is amazing. She is self sufficient. But, this has been a huge change for me.
If I ask her of her plans she gets son mad and has asked me to give her 6 months without mentioning what her plans might be. This just baffles me! She has told me she doesn't want to be lonely. I get it, her whole life has changed. I feel awful about that.
Am I wrong to want her to go home or at least stay with my brother? If I even mention one feeling she makes me feel awful for "not wantimg her" or "she didn't know she was such a burden"
My mom has been a loving wife, supportive mom and the best grandma ever - do not get me wrong! She helps when she is here and is no trouble at all but it's something I can't express correctly that hurts her about this change.
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Anyhow, this morning I told her this is why you have to start spending more time at your house. She boldly claimed. "She is not ever going back to that house to live." That, "she will stay with me or brother." That, "she intends to sell."
She is extremely hard headed. I cannot express a single thought without being ask "why can't I just give her TIME." She says her therapist told her, "Do not let anyone rush your grief!" I do not believe me encouraging her to take steps to go back home is rushing her grief? I get that is a process. However, am I wrong to think she should also be mindful that moving in with me July 14th, day my dad passed away has been a HUGE change? She told my husband today "I help out!" "After all I've done for my kids and they can't give me time!"
I am just spinning my wheels. So many widowers tell me they would never put their kids in this situation.
Her therapist is right about not comparing herself directly with others. Comparisons like that can be helpful in feeling less alone, but just because somebody else is over a loss in 2-3 months doesn't mean she has to be.
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She has spent little time at her house during day, but is making small efforts.
I tried talking again and she tells me "what I am going through is normal." I tell her, of course it is but avoiding your house is not. She 100% does not want to be alone. She told me yesterday, "i just wish you would say, come on mom stay here, and we'll get through this." Everytime I try to talk about it she always say, why can't you just give me time!!!!!! I am so angry everyday she is so blind to how this affects me. She will say, I'm not doing anything, I help out and you do not have to care for me which is true. But still I wake up and go to bed angry she won't toughen up and go home for me.
I told her about other widows because I've never seen anything like this and she rebuttalled them ALL and concluded by saying her therapist tells her not to compare her situation to others.
She said do you really want me going home and having a nervous breakdown!
"Mom is 67. She was with dad since 8th grade. I truly know she would never intentionally want to stress her children. She is just truly shooken to the bones and in shock. She is physically sick at the thought of being alone.
After a huge explosion between she and I, she has taken tiny steps forward to spend time at her house during day. Hoping that becomes more routine.
I am ok with dinners and sleeping here for now! I think that is a good plan."
Is she still going home for the day and spending the night with you? If so, maybe after TG tell her time to spend weekends in her own home. Christmas is on Sunday so I would allow her to stay with you that weekend. Maybe New Years too. Or, keep up with home during the day, your house at night till after the holidays. Then its not will you but your going to. January will be 6 months. The timeframe she gave you. Now time for weekends alone. February. full weeks. Maybe you kids would not mind a sleep over with Grandmom once she is in her home full time.
At 67 your Mom is not old. She needs to be independent. She needs to have a life of her own. Meet new people. She cannot depend on you. I know a lot of Widows who were Moms age when they lost husbands. They have moved "forward". Note I did not say "on". She is going to grieve for a long time. Its what it is. So, be firm when you tell her, time for weekends now. When she starts, say NO Mom, you need to get back to your home and routine. Its not so much you don't want her living with you, its your helping her to get her life back. Some tough love. That little push. Do not give in to her. If you have to, don't pick her up on Friday night. Tell her you will pick her up Sunday night. Maybe start with Sat and Sunday adding on Friday and Monday, then Thur and Tues until she reaches the full week. Yes, she will be upset because she does not want to be alone, but she has to learn to be alone and she is not the only widow who has to learn to be alone with herself.
She is able to manipulate you because you feel guilty about not wanting her there. Get rid of the guilt and know that this is the best thing you could do for Mom. She needs that push. She also may need some grief counseling.
Sit down and have a loving conversation. You have a right to expect her to be making progress toward moving forward. She can sell her house and move somewhere else, she can return home, or she can stay with your brother for a while. Whatever she does, she needs to be moving forward, not staying in a static situation.
Insist that she join you in a grief group or counseling. You both can benefit from it, but it also might make it easier for her to do it if you're part of it. It might eventually evolve to her being in a group on her own, and that's good -- it's forward momentum.
I'll bet she's terrified of the "firsts" -- first anniversary alone, first holidays alone, etc. I think you should have the conversation with her now, try to get started on the grief groups now, and let her stay through the holidays at least.
My dad died the day before Thanksgiving in 2018, and his birthday was December 20, so we had a bunch of "firsts" within a month of his death. It was absolutely horrible for all of us. Surround and supportyour mother this holiday season, but also start her now on that road to recovery. She may think things will magically get better six months after Dad's death, but they won't if she's done nothing to move forward. Your job is to help her get started.
Better yet, she should move in with your brother for the final (at this point, less than 3 months remaining in the 6-month time period). Why wouldn't she want to stay with him, her son?
What is her financial situation? Is she contributing financially to your household?
I think there is a good chance that she will not want to ever leave, and that YOU are the only plan she has from this point forward. That includes you being her eventual caregiver.
Send her home
The “I’m such a burden” and “you don’t want me here” is manipulation. The tactic is working and will keep working if it makes you feel like a bad daughter. You’re not a bad daughter! You obviously love her dearly and you’re not helping her heal by delaying her leaving. It sounds like she is the child and you’re the parent in this situation. She likely feels lost and wants protection and guidance. And she’s thinking you can do just that. But you can’t… you’re grieving too and your kids miss their granddad. Her life is on hold as far as she’s concerned; your life with kids and such is not.
Don’t stay at her house overnight with her. She will not want you to leave.
As others have said, set a date for when she has to go back. If she can’t handle living alone anymore, maybe she can consider a senior community. There’s lots of widows/widowers her age in the same boat, and that support can help with grief.
Another idea: Ask her how your father would want her to be now. I doubt he’d want her to live afraid and remain dependent on you. If he loved the home they lived in, that love is still there. His abrupt passing doesn’t cancel out the good memories and love that still envelops the house.
She’ll be upset with you at first, but I think as time goes on she will understand why she needed to go back home.
Do not disable your Mom. She has to learn how to be alone. You have two children who, if not already, are going to be involved in a lot of things. High School is looming. You and they want to enjoy these years. Tell her (don't ask) "Mom time to transition back to your own home so at the 6 month mark, your back in your house." No, she won't be happy and there will be tears but she needs to realize that you are not the option. That u can't fill that loneliness. She is going to need to find ways to fill the void. 6 months should be January. Let her stay during the holidays, these will be hard for her. Sometimes we have to give our LOs a little push.
After a huge explosion between she and I, she has taken tiny steps forward to spend time at her house during day. Hoping that becomes more routine.
I am ok with dinners and sleeping here for now! I think that is a good plan.
Of course compassion is called for but, it goes for everyone, IMO.
May The Lord give you grieving mercies, strength and wisdom for this difficult time.
Has your mom ever lived alone? When my mom became a widow, it was the 1st time in her life she lived alone. She didn't do very well. It has been 2.5+/- years and she is still getting use to being by herself.
One thing that helped her was her dogs and she adopted a senior dog. It gives her purpose and company.
Saying you don't want her or being a burden is a manipulation tactic and it has worked. It is okay to tell her to knock that off.
I really would encourage her to seek grief counseling and make sure she has activities outside the family. No doubt she is scared and fearful of the unknown but, this is her new reality and she needs to learn to live in it.
Please find a way to feel your feelings, whatever that looks like for you, lunch in the park, nature walks, retail therapy or ???
Remember, you all matter, not just your mom, regardless of what she thinks.
Great big warm hug!