Stage 4 cancer with mixed dementia. Any advice?

It really depends on Mom. I told my Mom she had Dementia, seemed to just except it. Even to the point the next day she was reading the paper and said "look here's an article on what you told me I had" and it was an article on Dementia. My Mom was in the early stage. Not sure what we would have done if we got diagnosis of 4 stage cancer then. That was late 2014 an she passed Sept of 2017. Changes were monthly.

Me personally at 73 would do everything I could to not do chemo. Have seen what it did to LOs and they still didn't survive. Moms Dementia will probably worsen. Chemo can cause other problems. At 81 with the diagnosis of Dementia, I don't think I would put her thru it. One week out of 3 my sister received chemo. She was sick for a week. At stage 4, the survival rate is going to be low. I think I would just let her live out her life as comfortable as possible. When she is ready, bring Hospice in.

Its a Godsend mom has cancer that will end her life so that dementia will not take her instead. That's my opinion from someone who watched her mother get ravaged by dementia for a long time. I prayed her heart issues would take her BEFORE she couldn't swallow anymore from dementia. And that's what happened, but not till she was 95+. Her end of life last year was a tragic thing to watch and if I could have done anything to speed it up, I gladly would have. She wanted to die and spoke of it often, too.

That said, the goal with dementia is to keep the patient calm at all costs. So no, I would NOT tell your mom about her diagnosis, what for?? I'd speak to the doctor about what the end will look like, then get hospice on board to keep her pain and suffering down to the bare minimum or zero.

I'm sorry for the whole situation you're both facing, and pray that God helps you through it with mercy and grace.

Time to speak with Hospice and learn their strategies.

After getting all the information from the doctor as to the cancer and its prognosis, I'd ask myself what is the value of telling her vs. not telling her. If you're just going to let her be, then I see no value in telling her. Set her up with hospice so any pain she might have is controlled, and go on as though everything is normal.

I realize it's a different scenario, but I never told my mom straight out that my dad had cancer. She had dementia, not him, but she'd have understood. She also had a deathly fear of cancer, so once she started noticing Dad wasn't his usual self, I just told her he was sick -- yes, pretty sick -- but we didn't get into the details.

It seemed like just enough information for her. If your mom starts feeling unwell, you could tell her that yes, she's sick, but you don't need to go into details. Just assure her that you and her doctor are doing what you can to make sure she feels (not gets) better.

This is something to discuss with the doctor and usually there is a psychiatrist involved .

I'm pretty sure the knee jerk consensus after reading stage 4 cancer is going to be h3ll no, don't treat it. But my rational mind would want to know the details before making a final decision because not all cancers are the same, not all stage 4 cancers are untreatable, and not all chemo causes violent side effects... also some cancer treatments are aimed at improving quality of remaining life even if the diagnosis is terminal. Maybe you already have all the answers to make this decision, but if not you really need to get a clearer picture from her doctors before you choose.

My LO has survived two separate cancerous lesions, both of which were “expected” to take her 30 years ago.

They didn’t.

Whether you (as POA?) decide to have her receive treatment or not, don’t do details about what’s happening.

Maybe just say “Doctor’s appointment” and have lunch afterward.

Your friend’s comment was a kindness, and quite possibly true.

Take good care of yourself.

I am a cancer survivor.

BUT---as many cancers do, they come back, sometimes in the same original form, sometimes as a different kind.

I was 63 when I dealt with NHL. I was sick for almost 18 months straight. Finally, after the original cancer was in hand, and I was doing FU tx's, I realized that I felt crappy every single day. I just could NOT get back my old self.

I told my oncologist I was DONE with the FU (follow up, for those who think I'm cursing!) treatments and asked him how much time they were actually 'buying' me.

He said "Oh, we never KNOW, but maybe a couple more years". ( My post cancer tx survival rate was between 15-20 years, maybe).

WHAT? I was walking around, sick for the sake of maybe feeling better for a couple of years? SO not worth it. I quit the FU and dr was OK with that.

I am 66 now and don't feel great. Been through a lot this year and every single day is hard. Not b/c of the cancer, but, just life.

I have already decided that when the cancer returns, I am not going to do ANYTHING to treat it. Death does not scare me, but being sick 24/7/365 DOES.

Tell or don't tell mom. She might not remember or she might just get very upset. Cancer in a dementia patient is much, much harder to deal with.

Personally, I wouldn't tell her. I would monitor the cancer and keep her comfortable and as happy as possible. Cancer TX for a mentally healthy patient is hell. Cancer for someone who can't remember from day to day why they feel so awful is just beyond cruel.

My opinion only.