Mom's in hospice and dad has moved on. Anyone else been in this situation?
I can’t believe it and yet I can. In a matter of weeks my dad has moved on. My mom is still alive, still present. She is at the hospice house getting respite care and my dad is in an AL and has already made a g/f.
My mom always searched for BFs while in MC. Her mind was broken. She no longer could recognize if a potential BF had a wife. It is quite common in facilities. Since you are asking, you may just have to find ways to overlook his behavior. You do not mention if your dad has cognitive problems. If so then he will not be able to marry because you will be ready to legally object. You can find comfort in that. Just dont scold to protect his dignity.
How long has your mom required a high level of care (I am assuming that Hospice is due to a long term illness, or simply aging)?
Not to be rude, but I could see my DH doing this. He doesn't 'adult' well and needs me for far more than he realizes. Maybe dad is just afraid of being alone and is making sure he ISN'T. I have heard of this exact situation many times.
Also, single men to single women ratio is vastly unequal. When mom would go to the Sr Center she told me that there were 2-3 men for every 10 women. These men were usually married, but the single ones were like bees to honey. The ladies there were practically coming to blows over the one or two single men.
It probably makes you feel bad--and I would too, if I were in your situation, but I also know of the need that people have to simply have a connection with someone. Doesn't mean he doesn't/didn't love your mom. Just, probably, he's pre-grieving and kind of jumping the gun on it.
Is your mom aware of this situation? I wouldn't say anything to her, if she's not cognizant. I'd probably be a little miffed at my dad, but I'd talk to him and let him know how I felt, then I'd let it go.
Don’t take it too seriously. It’s nice that he’s found someone who can be his friend there. If mom has been sick, he’s probably been lonely for a long time. This doesn’t mean he’s going to elope or anything. It only means that he’s found a way to meet his emotional needs, and he may have a longer life because of it.
Confer with your father's physician to assess his cognitive status for decisions. He could be vulnerable to others ( g/f) advances, persuasions etc. Or, he could be displacing onto this relationship g/f his grief, loneliness, anger or need for attention w/ o your mother's ability to provide attention . Or, perhaps there have been long term relationship failures between him and your mother that are now surfacing. In other words his denial, " moving on" behaviors could be caused by many many factors. Speak with the facility and his physician and his clergy ( if he has one) or a facility Chaplain or perhaps a social worker for your support as well as guidance with your father. Be sure legal POA is assigned to you ! And other legal affairs in order to protect you, your mother and your father. Peace.
This is.....difficult to sort through. My Mom had been slowly dying for 5 years now. I can only imagine that before she died this week. It must have been a VERY long time since my Dad had true companionship.
The last 5 years of my parents' marriage was the definition of for better or for worse.
That being said. I can't see myself stopping my father from finding companionship now. Even if it hurts my feelings.
My father is 72, still drives and is for the most part still quite independent. He has no limiting health conditions.
My father had many aspirations of enjoying retirement with my Mom...that all went up in smoke when her quickly declining Parkinson's began. Her disease was quite agressive. It only took 5 years for my mother to go from an independent fully functioning adult to a bedridden mess. My mother has been basically home bound for near 3 years before she died.
We are still planning the funeral but...I'm just saying....my father's father lived to be 98.
I won't guilt my father into spending the next 20 years of his life alone.
....even if I personally hate the idea of another woman on my Dad's arm after Mom's death.
Your Dad's been caregiving a long time. We all need companionship. Mom's being taken care of... Let Dad have a little happiness with whatever time he has left. Yes, your emotional upset is understood. Put aside your feelings and consider his needs, and that he was able to take an action to do something for himself. Hopefully he isn't being preyed upon but nurtured, that would be a bigger concern for the sake of his protection, which should trump your upset. You can and should stay committed to your personal value system, and live authentically to those values though Dad's behavior may be upsetting. If he isn't physically breaking the law, or the bank, or physically hurting himself or other's, let him be happy.
Could it be gossip? Often remarks are made “is that your GIRLFRIEND” in a snarky way at the least interaction between male and female. Every move watched and analyzed for signs of “romance”. Often the attention may not mutual(?)
My father was a big flirt and I remember my mother getting very protective of any female helpers in my fathers rehab.
One of the reasons my mother was so cautious, was due to their previous neighbor (Don) who was very ill. He had in home care and the wife (Louise) would be working and leave the nurse and Don home all day. One day Don left Louise for the nurse, and he signed all his money to the nurse. Louise had to rent part of her house out to a student just to keep the home.
Lizzy, did your neighbors wife file a complaint against this nurse? This is such blatant elder abuse that "nurse" should have lost her license and gone to prison.
This is definitely a wake up call that finances need to be protected from scumbag "professionals" and everybody else too.
27 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
How long has your mom required a high level of care (I am assuming that Hospice is due to a long term illness, or simply aging)?
Not to be rude, but I could see my DH doing this. He doesn't 'adult' well and needs me for far more than he realizes. Maybe dad is just afraid of being alone and is making sure he ISN'T. I have heard of this exact situation many times.
Also, single men to single women ratio is vastly unequal. When mom would go to the Sr Center she told me that there were 2-3 men for every 10 women. These men were usually married, but the single ones were like bees to honey. The ladies there were practically coming to blows over the one or two single men.
It probably makes you feel bad--and I would too, if I were in your situation, but I also know of the need that people have to simply have a connection with someone. Doesn't mean he doesn't/didn't love your mom. Just, probably, he's pre-grieving and kind of jumping the gun on it.
Is your mom aware of this situation? I wouldn't say anything to her, if she's not cognizant. I'd probably be a little miffed at my dad, but I'd talk to him and let him know how I felt, then I'd let it go.
ADVERTISEMENT
She would have been so embarrassed, if she could have understood what she was doing.
Or, perhaps there have been long term relationship failures between him and your mother that are now surfacing. In other words his denial, " moving on" behaviors could be caused by many many factors.
Speak with the facility and his physician and his clergy ( if he has one) or a facility Chaplain or perhaps a social worker for your support as well as guidance with your father.
Be sure legal POA is assigned to you ! And other legal affairs in order to protect you, your mother and your father. Peace.
My Mom had been slowly dying for 5 years now. I can only imagine that before she died this week. It must have been a VERY long time since my Dad had true companionship.
The last 5 years of my parents' marriage was the definition of for better or for worse.
That being said. I can't see myself stopping my father from finding companionship now. Even if it hurts my feelings.
My father is 72, still drives and is for the most part still quite independent. He has no limiting health conditions.
My father had many aspirations of enjoying retirement with my Mom...that all went up in smoke when her quickly declining Parkinson's began. Her disease was quite agressive. It only took 5 years for my mother to go from an independent fully functioning adult to a bedridden mess. My mother has been basically home bound for near 3 years before she died.
We are still planning the funeral but...I'm just saying....my father's father lived to be 98.
I won't guilt my father into spending the next 20 years of his life alone.
....even if I personally hate the idea of another woman on my Dad's arm after Mom's death.
One of the reasons my mother was so cautious, was due to their previous neighbor (Don) who was very ill. He had in home care and the wife (Louise) would be working and leave the nurse and Don home all day. One day Don left Louise for the nurse, and he signed all his money to the nurse. Louise had to rent part of her house out to a student just to keep the home.
Make sure your father has his finances in order.
This is definitely a wake up call that finances need to be protected from scumbag "professionals" and everybody else too.