Need help with my 96 year old mother. Any advice?

I lasted six weeks, until I was bedridden with the stress of caring for my mother, who has dementia.

AL would have been too difficult for her. MC was what she needed.

She was leaving the house, even though she was terrified of her own shadow. There were many more symptoms.

It’s perfectly okay to change directions, now. So many of us made the mistake of thinking that moving our loved ones in would be just as wonderful as all those stories and commercials on tv. Absolutely the opposite, in our case.

My mother lived in regular AL for 4 years and then segued into their Memory Care building and lived there for nearly 3 years. She received top notch care in both, and I'd do it again without hesitation if I was given the chance.

It always stuns me when people bad mouth AL or Memory Care Assisted Living, where a senior gets 24 hr care in a luxury setting. We should ALL be so fortunate to be able to afford such accommodations in our old age. Sure, I got no inheritance when mom died, but that was HER money to be used for HER care, and so it was.

Moving an elder into our homes usually leaves us gobsmacked with the level of responsibility involved, not to mention how unsafe it truly is for them, especially with dementia at play.

Don't give it a second thought...find a reputable AL/MC locally and set mom up there so you can take your life back. You'll always be her advocate and there will STILL be tons for you to do on her behalf...trust me on that.

Good luck to you

Jayepea,

Do yourself a favor and call A Place for Mom or another company that helps family's find senior care. They work for free (I think they get paid by the senior communities they serve). They will send you listings of communities that fit your Mom's needs. They will help you set up visits to the communities, tell you about the services they offer (meals, outings, etc.), and she will be somewhere she is safe as she begins the dementia process. She will get worse and you don't want to have to move her numerous times. It is much easier than doing the leg work yourself on the internet. Find a number of communities that fit your Mom's needs and take her to see them. Don't wait, don't put it off. You have a life to live.

My mom has dementia and refused to get diagnosed. This has left us (my sister and I) in an awful place and my parents in a worse place. It gets harder each month. They will never be the people they were. Accept that they are in need of help and you can only do so much. Then tell her gently that you need to get her more help and that things will get better. Then take care of yourself and your mental well being.

I so wish you better luck than I have had. I hope she is agreeable to looking at senior communities, my parents refused. Take care of yourself, it's a long road. Best of luck, sending love.

You’re one of many who made a decision to move a parent in with the best of intentions and watch it turn into a mistake. You are wise to see that it’s not working, and a diagnosis of vascular dementia makes it all the more of a challenge. Have all the needed documents for POA for healthcare and financial decisions been put in place? Does mom have an advance directive and a will? Are you or someone else on her banking? Those are important things to have in place. Start touring memory care places. No need to discuss with mom at this stage. Don’t rely on reviews, though they may be good to check, an in person visit tells you far more. Don’t go too far from where you live, visiting will be important after she moves. Looking out for her safety is exactly your job now and knowing when it can’t be accomplished reasonably in a home setting puts you ahead of many. She’s blessed to have you looking out for her