How do you get your 88-year-old mom to stop driving and sell the car?

Get her Doctor to write a letter to her and the DMV That she is not allowed to drive and sell her car .

This is one situation where I feel that 'boots on the ground' is the only way to facilitate a change.

If this were simply your mom refusing to take her meds, or not being able to manage money--something that DOES NOT affect others....I'd say my bit and let it go.

35 years ago we had just bought a brand new van. My FIRST and only brand new car. It was big and wonderful and on our maiden voyage as a family, an elderly man ran a stop sign right in front of us and my DH t-boned this guy. We were super fortunate in that the roads were wet and instead of slamming in to him--we spun his care around in circles. He had 4 very elderly passengers in the car. To this day I remember my DH yelling 'hang on, I am going to hit this guy!"

It was only through the grace of God that no one in either car was killed or much more than a little banged up. My kids were absolutely TERRIFIED and that just made it so they never, ever rode or ride in cars w/o seatbelts.

Driving is a PRIVILEGE not a RIGHT. How would your mom felt if she hit someone? And it sounds like that's already happened.

Her car is un-registered, probably uninsured and she's a danger on the road.

I would go to where she is, talk to her and if she's not agreable to selling the car, I'd call the police and give them all her info and let them know she's out there. That may seem mean and all--but could YOU live with the guilt that would come if you do nothing and she causes a terrible accident? You could also disable the car to the point it could not be driven. BUT she may still have it towed to a shop and 're-abled'. The car really NEEDS to be gone.

You can, if you are with her, set her up for Uber or Lyft and have her take a couple of 'trips' using the APP and teach her how easy it is.

This isn't a situation that 'annoying' it's your duty as a caring person to protect the world from a bad driver.

I went through this in 2021. My 94 y/o father has age related macular degeneration and really had no business being behind the wheel but he was still driving. His license was up for renewal in 2021 and he needed the approval of his ophthalmologist to be able to renew his license. I really thought he’d be hanging up the car keys with that. I was furious that his doctor allowed him to drive during specific hours of the day. My parents live in NYC and there is never a time when there is less traffic on the road. It’s stressful to drive there not matter your age.

One day I asked to borrow the car so I could take my 94 y/o mom for a pedicure 3 blocks away. He refused to allow me to drive the car and insisted that he’d take us. I told him there was no way in hell that I’d get in a car with him anymore and we would take a cab which we did.

I spoke to my sister about this and she said her daughter needed a second car. So we decided to have her ask my dad if she could buy it. We then encouraged dad to give it to her so that he could feel good that he helped her out.

it was a win for all concerned.

Call her doctor and DMV and explain everything. Stop enabling. You think it is hard now, wait til she kills somebody and there’s a lawsuit. Sorry to be tough but she’s not based in the reality of her situation.

I’m in the same boat. Dad with Alzheimer’s 3000 miles away from me. In CA when you get any dementia diagnosis the doctor has to report you to the DMV and the DMV suspends your license. He hasn’t has a drivers license for months now but he still drives. He says he’s fine and won’t stop. In order to keep him out of his car I would have to live with him 24/7. I can’t do that. He’s totally fine letting his girlfriend drive when she is there a few days a week. It’s the two or three days he’s there alone that is the problem. We tried hiding the keys, he just went out and bought a new car. We disabled that car. He had it towed and fixed.

You are not alone in this struggle. His neurologist said it’s the number one issue for most caregivers with the moderate stage of dementia. The car is freedom and independence. People are very resistant to give that up. But in NYC you don’t even need a car! I live in the city too. Haven’t owned a car since I left CA 30 years ago.

I also have POA for my father, but your POA doesn’t necessarily give you the power to take over every aspect of their life. For that you need conservatorship or guardianship. I have wrested my father’s financial life away from him without him knowing I’ve even done it using my POA. But I can’t use it to keep him out of his car.

The first thing I did once I had the diagnosis letter was to call his attorney to tell him so he knew what was going on. He said now that he knows he would not allow my father to make any changes to his trust should he come in and try to alter it.

So in fact, what you need right now is a professional OBJECTIVE ASSESSMENT from a geriatric specialist in psychiatry or neuropsychiatric medicine, that she is unable to drive safely and/or manage the legal and appropriate use of her car.

I’d contact the lawyer who drafted her POA and get his input.

In our situation, my LO’s “anxiety” (severe) was the result of her intense and unsuccessful desire to keep her cognitive loss a secret. Once we had a professional diagnosis, everything began to fall into place on her behalf.

Her desire to threaten you with the POA seems like it may be evidence of her desire to maintain control while suffering a reduction of her ability to think rationally.

Whether that’s the case or not, that’s something you have to consider.

Sometimes the early stages of getting a diagnosis are the hardest part of care.
Do your research and always put her safety first. Good Luck.

? Not sure how anyone can negate POA? Giving up the independence of driving is hard. My adult children, and my grandson have said for years that I shouldn’t be driving. At age 82 I hit the car ahead of me in a car wash. This fender bender led to my decision to stop driving and give my car to my grandson. I am lucky as I can easily walk to stores, beauty parlor and nail salon. My daughter has given me gift certificates for driving services which I use for medical appointments. I save lots of money on insurance, registration, gas and repairs. But I was lucky to have that car wash accident - minimal damage to all cars, no personal injuries. I don’t wish that on your mom but it did make me decision to stop driving easy.

You can call the DMV in her state and report her issues. They can call her in for a driving test like they do for many seniors. She may suspect you are behind it though and make more problems.

She needs to get off the road before she kills someone. Ask her primary if they will call the DMV.

I feel so strongly for u. It's always a matter of how much future guilt we can stand and helping. And ur an only child beside. Ouch!
This is state laws... Doesn't do much for u. In WI doc not required to report to DMV... Any driver can report an unsafe driver.. then I know DMV will require a written test to be passed a road test to keep dl. Dad driving ok yeti don't think he could pass the written test. so it won't ever get to a road test.

But when time comes he will h like ur mother an refuse to give up.
When he was recovering from sepsis. I had a friend with automotive knowledge take the fuel pump relay out so the car wouldn't start. Then I had to call his mechanic tell him why it wouldn't start. Because he would have figured it out in a minute.. his mechanic had to be in the game too. Mechanic kept saying he was too busy to fix... But that wi and a child living close.

I think you need to report to DMV police and they will impound the car for expired registration...tell them also that doc says no drive she is not given option to pay fee.

My action will be to just report to DMV and let them deal with it....

God grant me the serenity to do the things I can. Accept the things I can't and the wisdom to know the difference.

I live in MN. My LOs live in FL. When it was apparent that the driver (only 1 of them had a license, the other was her co-pilot due to the drivers bad vision) was definitely a danger on the road and unwilling to admit or surrender her license, I went online to the FL DMV and anonymously filed a complaint. I had a pic of her license, and made a long case of why she is a danger on the road to herself and OTHERS.

The DMV sent her snail mail directing her to come in for a retest. My silly cousin drove her for this test. She couldn't pass the eye test, and it was apparent that she had dementia when the staff was talking to her. Her license was revoked. Then my other cousin took over control of the car to remove it physically so she couldn't access it.

You have the benefit of having a doctor's "order" to stop driving. Scan it and send that to the DMV too. Also, try calling the local police to explain that her car is unregistered and she is unfit and that you're in the process of getting her off the streets. Maybe they can do something at their end. Or a neighbor, or relative who lives closer.

My very elderly uncle should have had his license and car removed by his cowardly children and then one day he drove right through a red light and was t-boned on the passenger side, killing his wife and dog, and injuring the other people who hit him.

I'm also an only child and have 3 elders for whom I'm a DPoA. I recommend that you start lining up rides for her on a regular basis. Start by asking neighbors or anyone local to her that you trust. Reward them discretely by sending them gift cards. Have her groceries delivered by InstCart. Send her necessities through Amazon Prime.

Then, as her PoA sell her car and cancel the insurance. It's can't be cheap at her age. You may want to consider having her mail redirected to your home. Doesn't sound like she can even pay bills or has a grasp of finances. IMHO you should move your trip up to go there sooner.