My Mom is mentally ill 3.0: NPD-Borderline (continuous angry hateful outbursts)-mid level Dementia. I am the only one who sees her. Twice a month. It is 6 hrs of sheer HELL spending even that much time w/her. I call her every day. I hate the convos. My Dad passed in Jan. She has no one. She has created this. She was horrible to him (retired Doctor/Air Force Captain)
I have 2 Stepbros and 1 Stepsis. 1 has POA, which is great. They are great people who want nothing to do with her. Understandably. Sis in AZ, comes out once or twice a yr. Only calls my Mom once every few mos. Understandably. My MOM can live independently but beotches about it.. She can feed herself (doesn't really cook)..can make her bed & get dressed. She is very lonely, but snaps "I don't need people or friends." She yells at Solicitors who phone. Talks rudely about neighbors on her front patio. Pretty much a full fledged Hoarder (not as bad as the TLC show, but close)... My Dad had a running group that turned into a walking group every day for yrs. They would meet over coffee afterwards & solve the world's problems. He was AMAZING!
I visit twice a month & am met with her yelling & cussing.. criticism...the entire time. I do the trash (which requires me hauling it away in Contractor trash bags to a dumpster behind a Bakery down the street), do dishes-she does some but lvs a lot countertop)..toss spoiled food, take her grocery shopping, amidst the yelling & cussing.. an occasional scrub of a toilet or quick 2 min cleaning of a bathroom floor..water plants (she always tells me she hates plants).. I tell her she doesn't need rodents.. I am only doing the basics.... I can never rid of the ft high piles on the kitchen or dining room tables or stacks of L.A. Times... I say it would be fun to purge her closet, not his.. Screams & cusses re: that idea...
She tries to insert how she is appreciative of me...and is so lonely when I lv to drive the 2 hrs home, etc.. utters the "I love you" Makes my skin crawl... Wild to think this has been my whole life with her... Insanity..
Did I mention the addictions to popcorn, Diet Coke & Cigar smoking? She turns 80 in March. Going up & down stairs is not easy for her (2 story).. I am thinking of a mini upstairs fridge but I know she will freak on that concept.
*I bring up every visit how having a part time-few hrs a week errand gal to lightly clean & take her to the store & back would be fun. That is met with cussing & yelling.. I tell her my friends' Parents accept the in home care. I have been firm with my boundaries and will continue to be.. I will NEVER live there or vice versa. My Kids don't even want her to meet their sig others or kids into the future. I am 58 and a full time Realtor. My Kids are late 20's. No spouses or G Kids yet... We are super close.
Her Doctor says until she is receptive to care in home or collapses and needs to be somewhere else. Says they would kick her out of AL in 2 minutes..
Also, she was an Alcoholic for a decade of my life & then Manic for another dozen years..(she ruined my wedding & I wouldn't let her meet my Daughter until she was 5 mos old) I can only handle what I can handle..
Takes me days to recover from the visits up & time to go up again & since I am the only one who calls her..I never get to walk away from her.. I wish I could be a man & compartmentalize. ;-) I feel sad & sorry for her..but more sorry (in a sense) for myself.. I will not-can not do more than I am doing.. I play Scrabble with her every time up. Combo of her loving to play & being a complete and utter jerk the entire game...I tell her we are not playing to win...just to keep our brains firing.. This past Friday she reduced me to tears. I finally said, "being negative is not the way." I never raise my voice to her. Only give her postitive encouragements... ***How do I stop stressing over it all so much? Do you all struggle to tune it out?
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That's a very good explanation!
I have spent time stuck with ruminating thoughts.. Such a bossy companion as it drives all other thoughts away.
Trying to remember just HOW I managed to finally stop it...
PS
"Stop calling everyday".
Kmj, I think you have it!
Lessen the super highway access of Mom's issues entering the OP's brain every day. Cut this down to 2-3 x week, then once a week. This will allow the OP's own thoughts (currently laying flat & squashed under the highway) to spring up & grow 🌱🌻🌳
I totally agree about standing up to abusers. I'll give it right back to a person I don't care who they are or how old they are.
Being elderly does not give a person a free pass to be an a*****e.
If you're a respectful person then it's right to expect others to be respectful too.
No one has to tolerate abuse even when the abuser has dementia or mental illness. Abuse is abuse and I will not have it.
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As you said OP, your mom is difficult and hateful.
(For now, let’s forget about all the mothers who can’t help it; who have some illness that forces them to behave horribly/abusively — but EVEN THEY sometimes know what they’re doing, because they very often direct it ONLY at the daughter). (Anyway, for now let’s forget about the abusive mothers who can’t help it.)
Let’s focus on all the other abusive mothers.
I’m thinking:
If you’re having a bad day, exhausted running around trying to help your abusive mom; emotionally and financially damaged by all the abuse and helping…
IT’S NOT AN ACCIDENT.
Your abusive mother WANTED you that way:
-exhausted
-bad day
-emotions all over the place
-destroyed
-losing money
-etc.
Save yourself, because she’s trying to destroy you. Those negative things you’re experiencing? She’s intentionally doing that against you.
The answer is.......same as always: stop calling and visiting, that's how you stop stressing out about all of this. And that's how you don't HAVE to 'tune it out'........there's nothing there TO tune out in the first place.
Your mother is a toxic human being and you are willingly inhaling the fumes she is emanating. Then asking how to stop getting cancer from those fumes: it's not going to happen. You WILL get sick from inhaling toxic fumes, period, b/c there is no way to avoid it.
I had a toxic mother, so I kept my contact with her strictly LIMITED for my own health and sanity. I did not call her daily b/c that would have caused me undue angst and brain damage, so why would I do that? It's in my fiber to be a good person, yes, but to be a doormat, no. I am worthy of more as a child of God than to be spat on and treated like dirt. So are you. When you realize that, you will take the FOG out of the equation here and let your mother know that you're not willing to be her whipping post any longer.
And like her doctor said, "......until she is receptive to care in home or collapses and needs to be somewhere else......." your hands are tied. So leave her to her own devices to collapse or have a medical emergency which FORCES her into managed care. As long as you continue propping her up, she is able to feign independence at YOUR EXPENSE and be cocky about it at the same time.
Do what needs to be done to preserve your own sanity & force your mother's hand in getting her placed. Today is a good day to start that process.
Who was there for your Mom when you pulled back? Was she in AL? Or living solo at home, like mine?
This is GREAT...really GREAT:
"I had a toxic mother, so I kept my contact with her strictly LIMITED for my own health and sanity. I did not call her daily b/c that would have caused me undue angst and brain damage, so why would I do that? It's in my fiber to be a good person, yes, but to be a doormat, no. I am worthy of more as a child of God than to be spat on and treated like dirt. So are you. When you realize that, you will take the FOG out of the equation here and let your mother know that you're not willing to be her whipping post any longer."
Thx!
You are accepting her decree that you will accept $hitty behavior from her, aren't you?
My dear, THE ONLY thing you can change here is YOUR behavior, not her wildly disordered thinking patterns and behaviors.
Her doctor has told you that you need to wait for a catastrophe. Stop trying to prevent it.
If your Parent was this person.. wouldn't you call once a day? To make sure they are still ..breathing?
I know at some point an Aide will have to come in, but it's not now. It is a hellish purgatory type of place to be in. Too soon..
My Dad was so freaking active & still walking around his complex year before he passed. He was 92 when he passed.
My Mom is sedentary.. Never been into sports or ..even walking.
EVERYONE should be exercising daily. Necessity, not a luxury..
It would be good to think about the results of stopping what you do. If you don’t do ‘the basics’, how long could your mother continue to cope at all? Many posters are hanging on for the ‘crisis’ (eg a fall and broken bones) which will prompt a change. Crisis may take a different form for you and your M. If you miss two fortnightly visits, what will happen? Is that any worse than continuing like this for another few years? Which is harder for you, your conscience, and your mother to deal with?
You don’t have to decide about this now, but keep it in the back of your mind. Perhaps think about how to make the current situation less ‘OK’ for your M, without compromising her safety.
Is it helping Mom? Helping her see she must change? That she needs outside help?
Or is it for you? To help make you feel good, useful, giving? (I can understand that).
More questions.. sorry 😊
Would there be other ways to help Mom?
What would those other ways look like?
You have spoken frankly to Mom's Doctor - excellent! The Doctor agreed this is a hard space for your Mom to be in - between competent & incompetent.
Is propping someone's life up the only way to help? Or only way to show love? Is it the best way? Is it really helping them? Or hindering their journey?
that's a really good question. i remember reading what barbbrooklyn wrote. i don't remember the exact words, but it was: honoring your parents (showing you love your parents) also means living your best life (taking care of your career, making sure your life is blossoming, etc.).