Should I take my mother out of memory care for Thanksgiving Day?

I would not do that. What if she gets more confused and agitated and refuses to go back to the facility? What if she try’s to jump out of the car? ( this is from my experience). It’s not worth a set back for her. Good luck with your decision. 💜

A sincere THANK YOU to all of you for taking the time to answer my question and share your experiences. You gave me the sanity check I needed and assured me I'm on the right path by NOT taking my mom out of MC for the holiday. My husband and I have decided to bring Thanksgiving to her. We're going to rent out a small dining room and bring a little turkey, a couple of sides and dessert. I think that'll make her happy and that's what matters this year.

Wishing all of you and your families a Happy Thanksgiving.

I think your brother might be thinking of your mom as how she was, not how she is. I was encouraged by the memory care facility to take my mom for outings, just as I had done when she was in assisted living. From assisted living I always brought her for birthdays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas to be with family and it was great. From memory care it did not work out as well as it had before to simply go for drives in the mountains. She was too confused. By the time people go into memory care, it might be time to just stay put. She didn't live until the next Thanksgiving after going to memory care, but if she had, I would have gone there for a meal with her, not brought her home. Your mom can have very happy times right where she is. She would probably be proud to have you there for whatever the facility puts on.

I'm sure her place will have a nice Thanksgiving planned for the residents. My mom's place did Thanksgiving and Christmas for the residents and families a few days before the actual days, so everyone could have it together.

Ask the administrators at her place what they have planned for the holidays, but don't take her out to be overwhelmed by lots of family members in an unfamiliar place. (No, she won't remember your brother's house.)

One of the reasons why many people with dementia "do better" once they are in Memory Care is they get on a routine, they "know" the people around them, there is not a lot of commotion, not a lot of new people, not a lot of noise.
Taking mom out of her "home" will set her back.
She may even ask to "go home" shortly after she leaves the facility.
She will get agitated, confused she may even get angry.
If the facility is not far from where mom is during the week family can drop in and visit mom. Bring a treat and spend some time. I would even hesitate to suggest that the family visit after dinner on Thanksgiving,. A lot of people and noise will just be confusing and may be upsetting.
One of the things I realized as a caregiver for my Husband for many years is ...
there are no holidays.
For a person with dementia one day is just like the one before it and the one after it. This makes it difficult for others when holidays are so "important". We put so much pressure on ourselves and others to make things "perfect". Enjoy the family dinner, mom will have a dinner where she is just like she did the day before and will the day after. Visit when you can, as often as you can or you want. That is the important thing not the "day".

Mom didn't go to the last 4 year's worth of Thanksgivings or Christmases. It was just too much for her.

As a family, we just made sure to each visit her, separately and bring her a little treat. I know she loved the family, but we're huge and it was not fun for her at all.

My MIL is 100% housebound, by choice and she doesn't even want anyone but her daughter and my DH to come into her home. She will not leave her home for anything. A family get together would kill her, she'd be so stressed. The last family party she came to, she lasted 20 minutes and made DH take her home. It was a 40 minute drive, so HE missed everything.

Don't take her out of memory care for Thanksgiving because it will set her back probably to where she was two months ago when she entered memory care. Your brother needs to understand this. The family can go and celebrate Thanksgiving with her at the memory care on a different day. Like the Friday after Thanksgiving. Bring leftovers and family members and give your mom a nice Thanksgiving then.
Secondly, if your mother is living in a memory care facility, you are not her primary caregiver and should not refer to yourself as that. The memory care is her primary and sole caregiver. So when you don't want to take her phone calls in the middle of the night when she's having a meltdown, you don't have to. Turn your phone off. Put it on silent and let it go to voicemail. You will not have to deal with her likely having a setback. The care staff at the facility will.
If your brother is insistent on taking her out of the MC for the holiday, let him.
You make sure to give the facility his contact information ahead of time. Let them know that is mom starts flipping out and is havign setbacks they are to call him and not you.
Don't put more responsibility on yourself than you need to have.

Do not take her out of MC. I reserved a room at the facility and brought food in- pizza and drinks for Thanksgiving!

Holidays are special family times. But celebrating the holidays can be a rewarding experience with your loved one, or an anxious, confusing, stressful experience for them and you. In general, keep the celebration Shorter, Smaller, Simpler. Here are some suggestions:
Where to celebrate-
Celebrate in the facility, reserve a room. This is their home. Going somewhere else could confuse or disorient them.
Keep everyone in the loop-
If friends or relatives are coming, let them know of situation
Your LO may not recognize family or friends
May not be able to communicate
May act inappropriately
Make the Celebration Less Elaborate-
Tone it down. Large gatherings and loud conversations can be disorienting for someone with dementia. Turn off the TV
Keep smaller intimate celebrations
Finish early to prevent “sundowning”. A holiday dinner may need to become a holiday lunch since many living with dementia perform better earlier in the day
Involve Your Loved One-
Wrap gifts if appropriate
Sing along
Set/clear the table
Preserving Traditions Can Trigger Memories-
Sing familiar Christmas and religious songs
Play holiday music (softly)
Look at family photos
Maybe have a familiar food for your loved one
Reminisce

Enjoy the holiday!

No. Don't think about what your brother wants for the holidays based on past festivities when things were different and mom wasn't ill, think about what's best for MOM and proceed accordingly. The problems occur when we try to recreate the past, ignoring the present day limitations our loved ones face. That's when everyone's dreams are shattered. Create new rituals now that mom's in Memory Care and lower your expectations. That's your best bet. Disappointments happen when unrealistic expectations are unmet.

Tell your brother to go visit his mom in HER home on Thanksgiving and to bring her a piece of pie. It's seriously irritating when people want to Make Believe nothing is wrong with our mother's who suffer with dementia and choose to keep their heads buried in the sand instead! Meanwhile, YOU will be the one to deal with the tears, chaos and utter confusion after the festivities when mom goes back to the MC and has a meltdown! 😑

I used to pick mom up from AL and take her to my house for all the holidays. When she went into Memory Care, that's when it all stopped. She was too anxiety ridden to come to my house, and would want to "go home" 15 minutes after she arrived, even when she lived in regular Assisted Living. So I changed things up and took the celebration to her instead, Christmas Thanksgiving birthdays etc, for the nearly 3 years she lived in MC. She had a familiar bathroom close by and her "girls" at hand in case she needed them. It was a win win. And if another family member didn't like my decision, too bad about it. It was all about keeping MOM happy and anxiety free, which is the only goal always when dementia is in the house.

Good luck to you

My MIL ask to go home all the time… especially in the beginning. They have had to give her meds for her anxiety. My SIL put that off quite awhile. My husband would take her out for lunch once a week and just recently stopped because she is becoming upset when returning her, she can’t decipher the menu now, and is easier to bring her a shake. BIL takes her to Friday fish. I’m amazed she willingly returns.

its just difficult to tell. I wish I had been able to bring my mom here last Thanksgiving. She wouldn’t be able to get up the steps.. my mom passed in May.

Your mom can’t go home, because to her, home is the home and the world as it existed when Eisenhower was president.