User70, I’m truly sorry for the nightmare you’re living in, please realize the only one who has the ability to change this warped dynamic is you. The situation isn’t healthy for you or your mother. Her living with you, making constant unreasonable demands isn’t good for her. If ever there was a case for separate living arrangements you two are it. This isn’t your fault, your mother has issues beyond your ability to fix or help, and you’ve gotten trapped for too long trying to just cope. The power is with you to change it. Start with a lock and standing up for yourself, when the berserk behavior happens, record it, call 911 and have your mother transported to the hospital. From there tell the staff calmly but firmly that you cannot provide care for her any longer. She needs a full medical and psychological evaluation, and not by the clueless current doctor. This isn’t you kicking mom out or not caring, quite the opposite, it’s caring for the well being of you both. Don’t waste your own life and health living in fear and resentment. I hope you’ll act to change both of your lives going forward
Some of us were raised in homes where boundaries were exclusively for adults. Closed doors were personal attacks and rejections. It's not as simple as installing a lock or putting up a sign. Because locks and signs only apply to others - never to them. Sure, this sounds crazy, if you weren't raised that way. But take a moment to think about the things you do and beliefs you hold because you were raised that way. Do you vote the same as your parents simply because they did, without analyzing the platforms of each party? Are you the same religion as your parents, or did you attend other places of worship, study their doctrines and dogmas, compare and choose what was right for you? It's tough to have your beliefs challenged. And when you do realize what's ridiculous, it can be difficult to stand up for yourself without endless self-questioning, etc.
If your mother has dementia (mine does) it'll only magnify her behaviour.
Document the situation, with a behaviour diary, photos and videos. My mother's doctor was sure she was fine as well. We had a crisis, police and EMS came, I explained all that had been going on, an assessment ensued and she is now placed in a good, small home and we are getting our lives back. I won't lie to you that my stress ended that day. I was afraid and jumpy for months. I'd wake in the night, sure I heard her calling my name, pounding on doors. But I'm much better now.
I have mentioned before that my mother has forgotten who I am. I visit her as a friendly stranger. I suspect you can appreciate why I find that such a relief. Good luck to you!
Since your mother is so unreasonable, and such a difficult case, consider moving her out of your house completely. And, if this is her house you're living in, YOU move out. She can hire caregivers if need be, or move into Assisted Living or any number of other options.
Living in fear of your mother should have ended when you were a young child or at least when you stopped living by her rules. That it didn't is a strong statement about what needs to happen moving forward. You are an adult now and get to call the shots, not mother.
Best of luck carving out your own future, which you deserve to do.
OMG! Really??? You can't lock your door because she will get upset and you're "afraid" of her? So you live in fear in your own house? I'm having a hard time understanding this and even believing it. It sounds like it's your house that she lives in and according to your profile your mother only suffers from depression, so why in the world would you allow her to live with you? She should be out on her own and you should be able to live in your own house in peace. Do you not see that? So put your big girl/boy panties on and tell mom it's time she finds her own place, and make sure you give her a time frame for her to be out. And I would make it sooner than later.
Some children are groomed from birth to be responsible for a parent's happiness and care. It's their "normal". So no, it's not always easy to see what is abnormal in a parent-child dynamic. And when you do finally recognize it and stand up for yourself, you can expect a reign of terror. Especially if dementia has removed all filters. I have been asked many times when my mother's dementia started and I have no idea because difficult behaviour with depression slowly became completely irrational. It can be such a gradual progression that it's impossible to pinpoint. I suspect the OP is facing the same.
My mother is 78 and for her to live alone would be unsafe. She is forgetful and not stable mentally. I provide caregiving for her basic needs..cooking and cleaning. She is very demanding of my attention. She gets worked up when I'm not around and she shuts down mentally. When I'm not in her presence she will shut off all the lights in the house..won't eat without me, watch TV without me..etc. I know she needs psychiatric care but her primary care physician sees nothing wrong with her mental state nor has he ever considered testing her for dementia or alz.
Thank you for this advice. I need to hear this. She is clueless of boundaries and moral respect for others. She's been this way all her life. Completely irrational..if i close my door she takes it as an insult..that I'm a bad person or I'm shutting her out and being rude to her. Her famous absurd line is "you're not laying with a man..why do you have to shut your door?" Its maddening the way this woman is. I've really grown to detest her. Pray for me.
My mother always felt it was 'wrong' of me to close my door when I was a child growing up in her house. "What have you got to HIDE that you need to close your door?" was her famous comment, much like your mother's rude comment to you about 'laying with a man.' As if we deserve no privacy or autonomy as human beings. I will pray for you that you grow the spine to 'close the door' on this entire situation with your mother, b/c it's way past time now to do that. I made a vow to myself as a child that I would NEVER live with my mother, since her personality type was SO toxic. Why did you choose to move her in with you in the first place??
How old is Mom and why did you need to move her into your house?
You are entitled to your privacy whether its your house or hers. Your house you have more control. What I would do is tell Mom "If u don't give me my privacy when I want it, you can't live here." And stick to it. Me, I would put a lock on my door. So she screams and hollers you are an adult that is giving her a place to live for whatever reason. You are doing her a favor. As her child its not something you must do. If she is on Social Security or has money of her own, find her another place to live. Depression does not mean she can't care for herself. If she is low income, there is HUD apts that charge rent on scale. Usually 30% of her monthly income.
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The next time she goes berserk, (yes, lock your door) record her on your phone. Call 911. Have her admitted for psychiatric treatment.
Do not accept her back into the home.
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If your mother has dementia (mine does) it'll only magnify her behaviour.
Document the situation, with a behaviour diary, photos and videos. My mother's doctor was sure she was fine as well. We had a crisis, police and EMS came, I explained all that had been going on, an assessment ensued and she is now placed in a good, small home and we are getting our lives back. I won't lie to you that my stress ended that day. I was afraid and jumpy for months. I'd wake in the night, sure I heard her calling my name, pounding on doors. But I'm much better now.
I have mentioned before that my mother has forgotten who I am. I visit her as a friendly stranger. I suspect you can appreciate why I find that such a relief. Good luck to you!
Signs didn’t help.
MY getting angry didn’t help.
Insisting didn’t help.
Talking to her didn’t help.
She had dementia. It took me quite awhile to figure out that that was the case.
It took me quite awhile to figure out all the challenges that come with this awful, awful condition.
Perhaps you could consider getting some testing done to see if this is the case with your mom, as well.
PS: I only lasted 6 weeks, before the stress of my mother living here had me bedridden. It’s not too late to consider other arrangements for your mom.
Living in fear of your mother should have ended when you were a young child or at least when you stopped living by her rules. That it didn't is a strong statement about what needs to happen moving forward. You are an adult now and get to call the shots, not mother.
Best of luck carving out your own future, which you deserve to do.
It sounds like it's your house that she lives in and according to your profile your mother only suffers from depression, so why in the world would you allow her to live with you? She should be out on her own and you should be able to live in your own house in peace. Do you not see that?
So put your big girl/boy panties on and tell mom it's time she finds her own place, and make sure you give her a time frame for her to be out. And I would make it sooner than later.
If this is your home, evict her.
Has she been seen by a psychiatrist?
How is it that you come to live together?
You are entitled to your privacy whether its your house or hers. Your house you have more control. What I would do is tell Mom "If u don't give me my privacy when I want it, you can't live here." And stick to it. Me, I would put a lock on my door. So she screams and hollers you are an adult that is giving her a place to live for whatever reason. You are doing her a favor. As her child its not something you must do. If she is on Social Security or has money of her own, find her another place to live. Depression does not mean she can't care for herself. If she is low income, there is HUD apts that charge rent on scale. Usually 30% of her monthly income.
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