Hi all, sorry for the loooong post, but It's been a while since I've asked any questions as everything is sort of floating along right now, though it's far from good and the ship is sinking. My FIL passed this March (2022) at 92+. MIL, the one with early/moderate dementia, as a widow, is living alone at 88. We've managed to get her to allow us to have a caregiver come in two days a week for 3 hours at a time. The lady takes her to the store, etc. since my husband disabled her car. We live about 130 miles away and we both work. She won’t move closer to us because when we retire next year and move closer to our son, she doesn’t want to have to move again and won’t go to a “cold” climate (Olympia, WA). She won’t wear a Life Alert and won’t use Alexa.
Her current house is 1,900 sq ft and too big for her. We have taken her on tours of Assisted Living places, which she thought were okay for “some day.” We even found one that will allow her to bring her large dog, who is a huge part of the problem. More on her later. She also says that since her budget is sort of balanced, she can stay put. (True enough, but it won’t stay that way as she needs more care.) We'd like to move her while it's not a panicked emergency.
We FINALLY got her to go to a primary doctor, who referred her to a neurologist as he didn’t feel he could accurately diagnose her. So my husband, 64 and her only child, took off and drove down to take her to see him on 10/31. Neurologist says she may have had a stroke because she’s weaker on the right side. MIL says it’s because she’s left-handed. Maybe so, but he wants an MRI. MIL couldn’t remember the 3 words even until he got out of the room so we thought we would at least be able to get a paper with a preliminary dx of dementia. Nope. He said first he would call my husband in a week with results of blood work, etc. He never called. We tried about 7 times to get ahold of him and left messages. Desk person says she will call back with info. We never hear from her either. So no diagnosis means we have no legal ground to make her do anything, as I understand it. We are trying to get a referral to a different dr and/or a gerontologist. We did finally get ahold of the neurologist at the end of last week and he said all her blood work is good and she doesn’t need ANY medication. My husband said he sounded annoyed to have to talk to him. No word on diagnosis because no MRI yet and still no referral.
Now, about the 70-pound neglected dog: The dog won’t use a doggie-door if there is a flap installed. FIL removed the door flap between the house and garage, and this gives rats the run of the place. I find evidence in the living room, on the dining room table, across the furniture, on the 2nd floor. They are in her pantry and run along the baseboards in the bedroom. The exterminator won’t come and deal with the rats because they can't keep the rats out with no dog flap. Traps haven’t worked. The caregiver reports that they are now eating bananas kept on the kitchen island. MIL won’t let her throw them out because, once she cuts off the chewed part. “It’s still good,” she says. Same with spoiled food in the fridge.
So are we likely to get called by APS if a caregiver reports her? That might be the best thing that could happen, but I really don’t know. Am I missing something here? She plays cards and watches TV all day long. I guess she’s happy. But we are thinking that the breaking point for this all might be when she falls or otherwise gets hurt and has to go into the hospital.
I know we don’t have NEARLY the problems most of you do, but I appreciate your time.
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You say you are worried that if you report the rat infestation, Jeanne won't speak to you anymore and you'll have less "input" into her situation.
Do you HONESTLY believe that someone who would live with rats should be running their own life?
She needs to be protected from herself, like a 5 year old with a loaded gun.
She needs to be taken from that home and taken to someplace else to live with supervision and a legal guardian/conservator.
Will she know it's you who reported the rats? You could not report it and she might STILL blame you guys because she is no longer compis mentis.
problem.
As rats and mice move, they are constantly peeing and pooping. That's how they 'mark' their territory and send signals to other rats and mice. Once a house has been as marked up as your MIL's, the rats are reading this as an open bar! They will chew through anything to get in, knowing that the place is now 'theirs'.
It's gross and not remotely "OK" for this to go on.
Caregivers ABSOLUTELY can and should report this. Neighbors, family--the more calls the more attention to be paid to this untenable situation.
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As stated above, let the inevitable sad fall/illness happen and make sure the hospital discharge people know that she lives alone, will not cooperate and the vermin in her home.
Do NOT show up at the hospital and do NOT take her into your home.
I know this sounds hard, cruel and cold. I am not an uncaring person. My mom was a cooperative elder; she got good care.
My MIL wouldn't hear of having help and threatened to call the authorities on my husband when he became frustrated with her continued self-neglect, so he walked away. A crisis ensued and she got the care she needed. Not what she wanted, but sometimes it's the only way. Step away.
There are food sources and that's why they are there. No resources, no vermin.
Get the sticky rat traps. That's what we did with my mom's house, get all food safely put away. Tin containers are required, rats and mice eat plastics and cardboard. Place those traps along the walls and both sides of the doggie door. She can just throw them away when she catches something and replace it. Outside of the house needs deterrents, we used moth balls and chlorine tablets placed across all the walls leading to the back door. Then I sprayed everything with 409, it is great at killing the scent trail these vermin leave.
My mom doesn't have any dementia, she just doesn't take care of things and lets food stay on the floor, leaves dog food down all the time and feeds the critters outside. All of which means easy resources for vermin and when the city did sewer work in her area the rats relocated and her house was an easy target.
My mom couldn't handle all of this alone. It feels overwhelming to get any kind of infestation, she needed our help and our ability to find solutions that worked. Your MIL needs that now. It is bigger then her abilities, you and hubby need to plan a week trip and help get this under control.
My mom had a flip out because I threw food away. I had to stop her from digging stuff out of the trash can. So be prepared to have a battle about perfectly fine items being thrown out.
Once we placed deterrents outside we were able to get all the critters that had moved in.
I don't know what the answer is for her actual condition but, she needs help clearing her house of this current emergency and your husband is it by default. He can speak with exterminators, search the web, do what we did or ???. But, he really needs to act now to help her.
The rats are a big problem that you can see if you have a UV light. Or you can take my word for it. I have had rodents of all kinds as pets. I have also had a lot of experience with other animals. I also lived in a place that was very old and near a river, and we had our share of rodent visitors. I had cats that were great hunters but that doesn't solve the problem because the cats and dogs can get sick from the rats. So can people. Rats are known to carry things like hantavirus and even plague (yes, the Black Plague from the Middle Ages is alive and well out west in the US and several people and dogs get infected every year) so getting rid of the rodents is paramount. Rats can and do chew through wires in the walls and that can lead to fires. Rats can and will bite your MIL while she sleeps. Rats will spread urine as they walk (mostly the males but females as well) and they are very smart so they can evade a lot of capture attempts. With a UV light you can see these urine trails. They are on the bananas. They are in the dog's food if it is left on the floor. Call APS. They will go out and assess the situation and they will start a process that can be out of your hands, which it sounds like is for the best. You are the DIL and they don't listen to you. Your husband is afraid to take care of this situation and I can understand that, although he should stand up to her. That's likely a lifelong issue, however, the fact remains that you can't and he can't force an adult to do anything. If she is mentally ok according to professionals who assess her, it is her perogative to live in filth if she wants. You are aware of this if you grew up with hoarders.
So how about you give yourself permission to care compassionately for yourself and your MIL and even your husband and figure out a place to put the dog. Then call APS. Otherwise you may find MIL on the floor, dead or injured, being attacked by rats. It is frustrating and you have my sympathy. You are a caring person or you wouldn't even be writing about it to ask for help. Good luck and keep us updated.
Track her down, or call the vet that last saw the dog, or ask for help. There are no-kill shelters that will take animals they feel that they can help/nurse back to health/rehome. Some dogs have health conditions (who knows what the rats have shared with the dog), and really are not going to have much quality of life. If dog cannot be rehomed, please be responsible and follow the guidance of the treating vet.
Tell MIL whatever you want to tell her as a reason for dog's absence. Just stick to the same story, dont get dragged into explanations or justifications. The dog does not deserve to suffer, as it has been doing for a while now.
MIL - call police for welfare check...they will get APS involved quickest and APS can often help make a plan for her safety (first) and her living situation (facility, likely assisted living). APS doesnt pay for all of those things, but can have a conservator appointed to manage MIL money, so that takes your husband off of the hot seat.
It will be tough going for a while, but if your son is the only adult child she has (or that is in contact with her) then he needs to step up and ask agencies for help in being sure she is in a place where she is safe and her needs are met. She will be angry,,,,,but if she is making such poor decisions now and lacks the judgement that having rats in your house is a very very unsanitary situation, then the time for independent living is over. And she doesnt see the dog's needs clearly, either. You and your husband dont have to take the dog or MIL to your home or pay for what she needs, but you do need to call in the experts who can help you manage these situations. Good luck.
There are no 'last chances' for your MIL. Pick her up bodily and put her in the car after you tell her the Board of Health condemned her house. That's what I would do if it were MY mother, even if she was as mad as a wet hen, who cares? Deal with that anger later, after the house has been made safe. Neither she nor her dog can or should be living in such a dangerous environment. Ask yourselves how you will feel if she's dead (God forbid) or hospitalized with rat bites or disease b/c nobody had the guts to do the right thing, for fear of angering her?
This advice comes from a place of caring about you and your MIL, her dog and your DH, who should get a full physical from his PCP once this crisis has passed.
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