My 94-year-old father just came home from rehab. Any advice?

HotHouse; I read some of your other posts. It seems like your mom and dad simply think that you should "do" for them. They made no plans for aging. Their (unreasonable) expectation is that you, your DH and your sisters should all give up your lives so that they can live unsafely at home.

It is way past time for you (and maybe your sisters will join you in this) to say "No, mom, I can't possibly do this any more. I am a senior too. You'll have to make other arrangements."

You've been living there for a MONTH and you feel guilty because you had Thanksgiving dinner with a good friend? Puleese.

You really need to realize that you feel GRIEF that your parents are declining and not GUILT that you haven't prevented that from happening.

I had an aunt to finally had to place uncle. She always thought he'd die if placed. Well, she died of a heart attack shortly after placement. He lived, happy as a clam in a good AL for several more years.

I wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to respond to me with a lot of good advice and wisdom. Up until my father came home we had a fairly good handle on the situation. The ground has now shifted and we need to make new arrangements.

I have to say I gave a lot of similar tough love advice to other posters. I see now it’s very different when it’s your own family. This is very hard, and as I said in the past I wish this slog was over already.

If they have sound minds and want to be "independent" then perhaps you should leave them to it.

Let them practice their independence and you practice yours. Say "I can't possibly do that" the next time there is a fall, an illness or a dire need.

If they are of sound mind, they will see that they are only independent with your help.

It sounds as though when rehab was ready to release dad, you should have allowed him and mom to figure out how to get him home and not picked him up. He may have needed to become a LTC resident.

It is fine to provide some scaffolding to our parents as they age. It's NOT okay to lose your own life while doing that.

Others have given advice on how to get him there, but please! Go look at facilities ASAP, take pictures, record videos of conversations you have with the staff there, and do everything you can to make it an easy decision for them to GO. There are some beautiful places with wonderful caregivers, and your parents deserve that. This is a horrible life you're all living, and it could be so much better. Before someone dies on your watch, get them to a safe place.

For every appointment, consider if a phone/video appoinment could suffice instead.

Hauling someone with high falls risk & poor mobility across town needs to be worth it imho. Not if only a 5 min chat & BP check.

For appointments in person, I second wheelchair transport. You can meet him there. Ensure he or you take whatever walking aide he uses if he needs to walk at all once there.

You can hire a transport company. We used one to get my dad from rehab to home. They can provide a wheelchair if needed or if Dad already has his own he can use that. If I remember correctly my Dad had to be able to transfer on his own if needed. The same company also took Dad to a doctor appt while he was in rehab. They were strictly transport so they got him to the appointment but they don’t stay there. You call them when you’re done.

I say this with love and compassion. Dad’s needs are beyond home care both physically and emotionally. Should he fall (or unable to rise from sitting/bed) again, instruct emergency services to transport him to the hospital. From there it will be a much more efficient transition to the safety of a facility with the skills and infrastructure to give Dad the care he needs. You will be able to be his daughter, not an exhausted caregiver. I know this is so hard on you. Hugs.

I don't know your history (too many posts to go through), but it sounds like your father needs more care at this point than you are able to provide.

Is he using a Walker or wheelchair? Your father can no longer be safely alone and requires to be in an NH unless help comes in his residence, or yours. It may be necessary to hire a special medic van to transport him to appointments.

When my dad returned home from rehab (with caregivers) he started using a wheelchair van for transportation. At this point he was wheelchair bound but it sounds as if your dad needs this.

Through his primary we set up Home Health for speech, OT & PT each week to build up his strength.