Can anyone advise me on the best way to care for my elderly parent (93) at home? I am alone, no children or partner support. Father wants me and no other caregivers.
Sometimes it can be fear/anxiety, sometimes an entitled attitude, sometimes pride.
Finding out out his objections may help you. Ask & listen to his reasons. You may be able to have an adult discussion & reason it through..?
However, if not.. he needs a firm chat.
Depending on your style, you can choose your method of chat.. humour, tactful, flattery or straight up blunt. But tell him NO.
The old sh1te sandwich can work well;
"Thankyou for having such trust in me Dad. But your request is unreasonable & unrealistic. It won't be happening. We ALL need other people to help us. You will get used to it".
Remind him of that old saying *No man is an island*.
State that being a wise & gracious man you are confident he can make this adjustment.
Or simply "No. That won't work".
Or even "I am your daughter. NOT your maid-servant". (Some men have that mixed up).
Or don't explain at all, just act! Arrange copious amounts of in-home care or start looking for an AL residence for him.
The options are A. Age in his present home - with help. Or B. Be moved into a new home to age - with help. There is no option called enslave daughter (or other relative). Option C. I call Crises. For those that will not adapt - a crises happens that will force them to change & to accept help. Note: all three options mean adapting & accepting help.
What your father wants, and reality, may be two different matters entirely.
I have no idea what the best way is to care for an elderly parent alone at home, with no children or partner support, with a father who wants nobody BUT you to cater to him. It sounds literally impossible because it IS literally impossible! Nobody can be the sole caregiver to a 93 y/o man who requires 24/7 care.
In another post asking What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving? you said: "Frightened, tired, fog brain, alone, getting it wrong. House a mess, functioning and keeping focused."
If that's how you're truly feeling while taking care of dad, put your foot down HARD right NOW. Let dad know you're sorry but you cannot DO this any longer! That he has a choice: he can agree to hire in home caregivers to help you out OR he can agree to move into Assisted Living. Which will it be, dad?
You are only one human being and you can't keep doing this full time caregiving alone anymore. Please realize that and give dad that choice I mentioned earlier.
What do YOU want? Is it physically, emotionally and financially possible for you to care for your father? Will you be whole and healthy if he lives for another 5 or 10 years?
Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the responses and support. I am overwhelmed at all your kindness and the time and support you have given to me, I don’t feel alone anymore, because you all understand and have made such wonderful suggestions. Thank you and I hope you’re all ok and keeping strong too. Please, please know YOU have helped a fog brain, incapable daughter thinks through endless advise and advice and support xx your kindness and time with wonderful suggestions has made me weep knowing you really care and have so much understanding and knowledge, I am truly overwhelmed by your kindness and support thank you, thank you xx ❤️
I am with Barb, what do u want. You and he have options. If he has the money he can go into Assisted Living. You do not list Dads health problems. If he is 24/7 care, its going to be hard to have a life. You do not owe him your life. You may want to set boundries now. Sorry Dad, I am not caring for you 24/7. Willing to help but not be at your beck and call. If he can afford it, he needs to hire help.
Heartwrenching, it is so common where an elder will view their child as being a very young person with a lot of energy, not someone who is or close to being a senior citizen themselves. I ran into that with my own parents. They were surprised when I told them I no longer climb ladders, no longer mow the lawn, hate cooking, etc.
Please note that up to 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the person they were caring. What would your father do if that happened?
If possible and if within your Dad's budget, he would do better living in a senior facility Independent Living or Assisted Living depending on his health needs. Plus he would be around people of his own age group. My Dad was happy as a clam moving into senior living [he was also in his 90's].
So true. My mother continues to refer to me as a “young woman”, even though I’m 64. I think they also tend to revert to a childlike state where they become the center of the universe again, and aren't able to analyze how this burden may affect your life and health, whether you have the resources to do it, and the simple fact that you are suffering too, and grappling with loss, grief, bewilderment, fear, and anxiety simultaneously - no more than we thought about our parent’s concerns when we were a child.
When my mom suffered a stroke last year and needed care all of sudden she literally asked me to be her caregiver. She has a few million in savings btw. I found her a beautiful AL. I responded with, “mom do you want to shorten my life”? She also put her own mom in a home the second she needed one. She then sighed and told me, yes I understand, I was just kidding, but I know she was being serious. It's extremely stressful to care for a loved one.
The best way is to have help. Lots of help. You don't mention the mental or physical state of your father, but what he is asking of you is huge. It's also foolish, selfish, and uninformed of him to demand this. Please have a conversation with him and express your doubt about being able to do it alone, because I don't think there's any way you can no matter how hard you try. You may need to take the lead here as an adult who is in charge whether he likes it or not. He doesn't get to decide. You do. If he refuses carers in the home, he should be told firmly that the only alternative is to go to a facility where professionals take care of him. He'd be better off there than with an inexperienced carer (you, no matter how hard you try). Good luck.
And I’d like to add that I took care of my dad in his home when he was 92. Soon it took a full time live in caregiver, relief caregivers, me and another person who sometimes helped. Then hospice with nurses and doctors and a pastor. The place was a well-managed madhouse with physical, occupational and speech therapists coming in, scheduling, my interfering rude aunt, and neighbors and his friends coming over. It affected my health, relationships and career. This is what happens when you take on this situation. DON’T.
Have a talk with Dad about wants and the reality of his needs. If he doesn't like the feeling of a stranger in his house, then he'll need to go to a nursing home. If he's bothered by a stranger dealing with his intimate needs, ask him if he thinks a daughter should be dealing with his intimate needs.
Sometimes just talking out what's really bothering him will clarify the issue. The bottom line, though, is he cannot demand of you what you can't or are not willing to provide unless you allow him to.
I am sorry to read of your situation. Many of us have been in a similar situation. Believe it or not, the best outcome will be from being brutally honest as soon as possible.
My mother stayed in her home until she passed at 96. She would have said she was living "independently." What she meant was that she wasn't paying anyone to do anything to help her. In fact, there were 4 of us daughters helping her as our time and situation allowed. One was at her home every day for a few hours and took care of her mail, straightened up a bit, helped her with her hair, bought her groceries. One went to her house 3 or 4 times each week to do cleaning, take her to doctor's appointments, and miscellaneous tasks. I took her out two times a week for a drive or lunch and picked up her prescriptions and other errands. The 4th, who lived too far away to be there on a weekly basis, took care of her finances and talked to her every day by phone.
By the time she died we were all exhausted. We each have sworn many times that we will never do this to our own children. We all have wished that we had more strongly urged her to move into assisted living.
Compared to the experience of some, we had it easy. Mom was pretty reasonable in most of her demands, if stubborn on others. She maintained a pretty good attitude and often said thank you. (Not nearly always.) Three of the four of us had supporting spouses who helped us. Nevertheless, it was nearly unbearable at times. I simply cannot imagine even trying to do this alone. It may be possible, but only at the cost of your sanity and health. Do yourself a huge favor and think about what you really can and want to do. Be a bit pessimistic about how much and how often and what kinds of things you might be able to do.
Then tell him. That needs to be a one way discussion. Do not compromise. Bear in mind that his situation is guaranteed to get worse, not better. What he wants is a wish, like I would really like the body and energy that I had at 50. My wish doesn't make it happen. His wish can't make you capable of fulfilling his wish. Do what you can but do not allow yourself to be guilt-tripped into more than what you are really can do and still feel kindly toward your father. Otherwise you will end up feeling resentful and full of regrets. Good luck. This will be difficult, but I promise that once the initial disappointments and frustrations are over it will get easier.
Wonderful response! I, too, am caring for my mom without spouse, children or sibling support. It is not doable, in my opinion. I am broken and it is not fair to my mom bc she has no one but me—an overwhelmed lonely angry caretaker. And what if I were to get sick? I applaud your response and hope writer can find suitable placement for her FIL. That’s what I’m working on for my mom. And yes, it only ever gets worse.
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A common *want* but NOT a *need*.
Sometimes it can be fear/anxiety, sometimes an entitled attitude, sometimes pride.
Finding out out his objections may help you. Ask & listen to his reasons. You may be able to have an adult discussion & reason it through..?
However, if not.. he needs a firm chat.
Depending on your style, you can choose your method of chat.. humour, tactful, flattery or straight up blunt.
But tell him NO.
The old sh1te sandwich can work well;
"Thankyou for having such trust in me Dad.
But your request is unreasonable & unrealistic. It won't be happening.
We ALL need other people to help us. You will get used to it".
Remind him of that old saying *No man is an island*.
State that being a wise & gracious man you are confident he can make this adjustment.
Or simply "No. That won't work".
Or even "I am your daughter. NOT your maid-servant". (Some men have that mixed up).
Or don't explain at all, just act!
Arrange copious amounts of in-home care or start looking for an AL residence for him.
The options are A. Age in his present home - with help. Or B. Be moved into a new home to age - with help.
There is no option called enslave daughter (or other relative).
Option C. I call Crises. For those that will not adapt - a crises happens that will force them to change & to accept help.
Note: all three options mean adapting & accepting help.
Oh, except Option D. Demise.
I have no idea what the best way is to care for an elderly parent alone at home, with no children or partner support, with a father who wants nobody BUT you to cater to him. It sounds literally impossible because it IS literally impossible! Nobody can be the sole caregiver to a 93 y/o man who requires 24/7 care.
In another post asking What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving? you said: "Frightened, tired, fog brain, alone, getting it wrong. House a mess, functioning and keeping focused."
If that's how you're truly feeling while taking care of dad, put your foot down HARD right NOW. Let dad know you're sorry but you cannot DO this any longer! That he has a choice: he can agree to hire in home caregivers to help you out OR he can agree to move into Assisted Living. Which will it be, dad?
You are only one human being and you can't keep doing this full time caregiving alone anymore. Please realize that and give dad that choice I mentioned earlier.
GOOD LUCK!
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You've told us what your father wants.
What do YOU want? Is it physically, emotionally and financially possible for you to care for your father? Will you be whole and healthy if he lives for another 5 or 10 years?
Do you realize that you're allowed to say "no"?
Please note that up to 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the person they were caring. What would your father do if that happened?
If possible and if within your Dad's budget, he would do better living in a senior facility Independent Living or Assisted Living depending on his health needs. Plus he would be around people of his own age group. My Dad was happy as a clam moving into senior living [he was also in his 90's].
Have a talk with Dad about wants and the reality of his needs. If he doesn't like the feeling of a stranger in his house, then he'll need to go to a nursing home. If he's bothered by a stranger dealing with his intimate needs, ask him if he thinks a daughter should be dealing with his intimate needs.
Sometimes just talking out what's really bothering him will clarify the issue. The bottom line, though, is he cannot demand of you what you can't or are not willing to provide unless you allow him to.
My mother stayed in her home until she passed at 96. She would have said she was living "independently." What she meant was that she wasn't paying anyone to do anything to help her. In fact, there were 4 of us daughters helping her as our time and situation allowed. One was at her home every day for a few hours and took care of her mail, straightened up a bit, helped her with her hair, bought her groceries. One went to her house 3 or 4 times each week to do cleaning, take her to doctor's appointments, and miscellaneous tasks. I took her out two times a week for a drive or lunch and picked up her prescriptions and other errands. The 4th, who lived too far away to be there on a weekly basis, took care of her finances and talked to her every day by phone.
By the time she died we were all exhausted. We each have sworn many times that we will never do this to our own children. We all have wished that we had more strongly urged her to move into assisted living.
Compared to the experience of some, we had it easy. Mom was pretty reasonable in most of her demands, if stubborn on others. She maintained a pretty good attitude and often said thank you. (Not nearly always.) Three of the four of us had supporting spouses who helped us. Nevertheless, it was nearly unbearable at times. I simply cannot imagine even trying to do this alone. It may be possible, but only at the cost of your sanity and health. Do yourself a huge favor and think about what you really can and want to do. Be a bit pessimistic about how much and how often and what kinds of things you might be able to do.
Then tell him. That needs to be a one way discussion. Do not compromise. Bear in mind that his situation is guaranteed to get worse, not better. What he wants is a wish, like I would really like the body and energy that I had at 50. My wish doesn't make it happen. His wish can't make you capable of fulfilling his wish. Do what you can but do not allow yourself to be guilt-tripped into more than what you are really can do and still feel kindly toward your father. Otherwise you will end up feeling resentful and full of regrets. Good luck. This will be difficult, but I promise that once the initial disappointments and frustrations are over it will get easier.
I, too, am caring for my mom without spouse, children or sibling support. It is not doable, in my opinion. I am broken and it is not fair to my mom bc she has no one but me—an overwhelmed lonely angry caretaker. And what if I were to get sick? I applaud your response and hope writer can find suitable placement for her FIL. That’s what I’m working on for my mom. And yes, it only ever gets worse.