My boyfriend of 42 years is in assisted living. His kids tell me that he may have to go back to a nursing home. Any advice?

I remember your first post. I thought you were moving away that was one reason you could not care for him. Good for you that you didn't buckle under.

Again, you are not finacially responsible for him. Thats why you never married. The house, you should have the sale records that should show that proceeds were split at time of closing. The lawyer usually has the checks ready. Mine did when I divorced.

Common law is only recognized in 11 States and that is fast becoming obsolete. To have a common law marriage you have to agree that you are both married and call each other husband and wife. Otherwise, ur just living together.

You continue to do what you are doing, visiting. Give no money to the kids for his care. If Dad is out of money, then he has to apply for Medicaid and go into Longterm care.

You are not responsible for him or his kids. If the tables were turned, he would not be responsible for you either. They can say all they want and get a lawyer, but I do not think they have a leg to stand on. I don't think you need to get a lawyer at this point unless they carry thru. Your just BF and GF. If he spent any money on u during your living together and he was competent, nothing the kids can do about it.

Update us.

Are you the same poster who a few months back said her BFs family wanted her to take him for full time care? Sounds like you did not and good for you! Now they are trying another tactic to get you to do all the work! And do all the financial stuff. I agree if the house sale was 15 years ago you are probably in the clear. How long has he been living apart from you?

A couple of points:
1) There are time limits for starting most civil litigation, normally about 5 years. It would have been for BF, not his children, to query the split of house sale proceeds, and after 15 years it’s almost certainly now well ‘out of time’.
2) There are quite complex rules in most places for qualifying as a ‘common law marriage’. They aren’t just about a long term sexual relationship - otherwise the number of bigamists would increase substantially! They usually include continuous co-habitation, often children born of the relationship, exclusivity, and clear intentions of permanency. If no-one (off the site) is suggesting it, I wouldn’t bother to investigate it. Save your money.

I'd see a Certified Elder Care attorney (which may not be the correct attorney ultimately) about this matter. Being with this man for 40 years means that the vast majority of states would recognize you as common-law married, and if you sold a house, the profits (along with all the rest of the shared assets) should have been split evenly. Not saying they weren't, just saying they should have been. See what legal responsibilities you have towards this man, if any, b/c it would not surprise me to hear that you ARE considered his wife, in legal terms.

Best of luck.

A few things to consider yourself (no need to tell us all your personal business):

1) Some ALs have a few Medicaid beds, and use them for residents who have run out of money. Have BF’s kids checked out this possibility?

2) If you were married, at this point you would probably be looking at the option of splitting your assets (which I don’t fully understand, but it’s often mentioned). It would be good for both you and his kids to understand it, and how it would be used quite properly now. After 42 years, they probably think that you are ‘as good as married’, and it’s ‘cheating’ not to use your assets for him. They need to know that even if you were married, this still would probably not be happening.

3) The house sale happened 15 years ago. Do they still think that you ‘stole money from him’ from the sale? Why? Is there any way to resolve it?

4) The timing is complicated. BF is 10 years older than you. When did you take ‘care of him for 10 years’, and what did the care involve? If it was an alternative to a paid caregiver, can you put a $ figure on your contribution? Was it taken into account if you split the proceeds of the house sale?

5) Is BF still legally competent? What are the POA arrangements? If relations with the kids get really bitter, you may want to get arrangements in place to stop them saying that you cannot visit him.

6) Why are the kids ignoring help that isn’t financial? Surely they can see that visiting him regularly is important for him? As well, it reduces the pressure on them to visit frequently. Is there one who is ‘strongest’ in this view? Would it be worth considering going with that one to talk it through with an independent counsellor? It would be good for all of you to co-operate for the future – even just to the extent of timing non-clashing visits.

7) I understand that your money will go to your daughter, not his kids, but it’s not a good idea to mention it now. If they still think that you did well financially at his expense (and so no inheritance for them), that would be fuel to the flames. Take the line that the chances are you will find yourself in the same position (needing Medicaid) in 10 years time, just like their father.

I hope that thinking all this through may be a help. It’s a tricky situation. Margaret

(PS I once sent a love-letter in numbered paragraphs – she’s nuts, he said)

You’re right to look after yourself. Good luck with this,

I would make an appointment with an Elder Care Attorney just to be safe.
Make sure that all your finances are proper, that when you and your SO (significant other) sold property if it was in both your names that the money was divided properly. If it was only in your name that it was sold properly (I hope that makes sense) May not make a difference if the sale was 15 years ago.
Does your State recognize "Common Law Marriage" if so you may have to provide some support. But not sure about that.
There are several people that will respond that have much legal experience and knowledge and you should get a better answer.