Has anyone made the decision to place their spouse in a memory care facility?

This is what happened with my Mother. Everything you mentioned. I was trying to run the family store and watch her at the same time. As soon as I got her home she stayed mixed up. I had to chase her down a few blocks away all the time. I came here looking for answers. She was always trying to walk"home" to her family and the house she grew up in. She was always a walker so she enjoyed it but could not at this point know what she was doing. I finally put her in a nice Memory Care. She has been there for about six years. She walks with a walker now. At first she was more confused but I relaxed knowing she was safe. She also has WAY more stimulation than she ever got with just me! She had all these other people to look at and talk to! At first it is hard but a couple of years down the road you will see this was a great blessing to you both. I watched her when she didn't know I was there and she was doing all kinds of activities. Exercise in chairs, painting etc. She does not do all that much more because it has been 6 years now. But she has dinner partners at her table and still watches everyone. I was at my wits end and it is so exhausting to keep up with the walker type. Strangers were bringing her back to her home in cars because I put tags on her outerwear. I found her in the cemetery behind her house, in a park several blocks away, at the grade school and everywhere else. I just visited yesterday at the Memory Care. She was sitting with a bunch in a circle playing a balloon game. She was laughing. At home she would have just sat there and watched birds out the sliding glass window. It has been a long long road but Memory Care was the one great thing that our family did for her and for myself. Because I was going crazy. You can read some of my old posts and I see this very plainly now. It takes a village and this forum is a dang good one! Good luck and you can do this this.

You wouldn't be human if you didn't find it heartbreaking to place her, but there comes a time in the dementia journey for some that placing their loved one is not only best for their loved one but best for them as well. And yes, it sounds like you are at that point where you now must do what is best for you both.
I know that you want your wife safe and well cared for, and at this point memory care is your only option. There she will receive the 24/7 care she requires and you can get back to just being her advocate and husband. It's a win win for you both.
Will it be hard? Of course it will, but knowing that your wife is now safe and will be bathed and getting her needed medications will bring you great peace of mind.
God bless you both.

My wife (born in 1955) had dementia issues and I kept her home as long as I could.  She would wander and refused to wear any sort of tracker (such as project lifesaver) saying she was not a criminal. I retired early to be able to care for her. The local police got to know her from wandering issues. She was erratic in driving but I let her do some for short periods (before her driving issues would kick in and under supervision).  Finally, the police that found her reported this to DMV and DMV required a medical form completed by her doctor and sent directly from the doctor to DMV. That ended her driving when the DMV revoked her driving privileges.
 
I had purchased long term care insurance years ago and started some in-home assistance. However, at one point she started acting aggressively. When I no longer felt safe sleeping in the same house with her we started looking for memory care facilities. After she attacked us twice within 2 hours the police took her in and she was sent to a state hospital for evaluation. They determined that she needed to be in a controlled memory care facility and agreed to release her as long as she was taken directly to the memory care facility we had settled on. But when she did come out from the state hospital it was like she was a different person.
 
For me putting her in memory care was a very difficult decision but in retrospect it was the right thing to do. Lesser options such as the adult care facility were not available due to Covid shut downs until her condition was so bad that they could not allow her in the program once they re-opened.. My life is emptier as when visiting she really does not seem to recognize us and it is hard to see my wife in her. She cannot assemble a sentence to communicate with us. All that comes out is gibberish. She had been the true love of my life (we have been married for over 43 years) and that makes it hard to continue without her as she was.
 
And as a later shock I got a call from Adult Protective Services. I had always been concerned that they may be second-guessing how I handled my wife through this process. However, they said that I was the one that they saw as at risk and since she was now in the memory care facility they were closing the case as I was now safe.

Yes. My husband moved to an AL/MC residence in July. Heartbreaking and I miss him very much but can no longer maintain a safe and healthy environment for him despite a team of aides, nurses and therapists coming to our home. He continues to show great improvement with 24/7 care and loves his classes, meals, and socialization. I visit every day. It is extremely difficult but the right thing for his well being and mine. God bless everyone going through this stage of life.

Yes, I have made this decision and I will attest that it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I researched MC facilities, selected one and placed him six weeks ago. It’s just 20 miles away; close enough to visit regularly but far enough that I will gradually settle into a semiweekly schedule as he becomes comfortable.

I will tell you that leaving him there on the first day was wrenching. I was not prepared for the look of pure sadness and abandonment. I thought he might be angry but he was just lost. I had to force myself to reason as those here have advised and to offset that expression with the terrifying images that led to this decision: lying on the street at 4:00 AM surrounded by police and EMTs because he had wandered; covered in his own waste because he had tried to cope with his own incontinence; his fury at the smallest slights and his confusion.

It hasn’t been an easy transition but we are at a point where he is accepting his new situation. Is he happy? I think there are times when he feels some degree of control and appreciation for the kind and competent people around him. He eats well, gets PT and speech therapy, sleeps well, and showers three times a week in his own apartment. Our next goal is acceptance on his part that this is his home.

I wish you strength and luck. Every response here is spot on, I now know from experience.

I placed my spouse July 5, 2022, into an assisted living facility. My family and I toured seven facilities and selected our top two favorites. My husband and I had lunch at the two favorites and my husband chose the facility he preferred, and I moved him in. Placing my spouse of 57 years who suffers from Alzheimer's into Assisted Living was one of the most difficult decisions of my life, but it was one of the wisest. He has thrived physically and emotionally. In his mind, my husband is "home."

Every situation is unique. Telling someone else what they should do or not do when life decisions are being made is beyond my scope of expertise. However, you asked if someone had placed their spouse in Assisted Living and I did. Placing my husband improved his quality of life and saved my life.

Your description of her behavior are all signs it’s time for placement. Her wandering makes her very vulnerable on many levels, especially leaving the house at night. My wife’s wandering (to the extent of involving the local police and fire dept) was a major issue for me along with medication management, her unpredictable behavior and my lack of sleep. I knew that I couldn’t properly care for her at home anymore.

As lealonnie posted don’t let the guilt of having to place your wife in MC delay your decision. I suspect you’re already feeling a sense of grief for anticipating your separation from her. This grief is a normal emotion. And after placement you’ll long to be with her and wonder if she’s being cared for with the compassion, love and care you gave her. But I suspect, like me, you’ll also feel a sense of relief, knowing she will be cared for and that you can take a breath. Don't think that by placing your wife in MC that you're no longer taking care of her. I assure you that by placing her in a care facility you ARE taking care of her as best you can.

Placing my wife in MC was emotionally the hardest thing I ever did, but there was no Plan B. And the word “hard” doesn’t begin to describe what you have to do for both her and your wellbeing. So take that deep breath and make the commitment to find her a caring MC facility. I wish you well.

You have already gotten some wonderful advice. Placing them in MC is one of the hardest things you will do. If her safety is being jeopardized and your health is suffering because you are trying to manage her, it is time. I placed my husband of 48 years in an excellent MC facility. We set up the room so that it was nice and homey. While it was so so difficult to put him there then walk away, it was the most compassionate and loving thing that I could do for him. Soon, he began to think that it was his office and that the people were his agents (we owned a real estate office years ago). He also thought he was back in the military. I go to see him almost every day and that has helped both of us a lot. Sometimes I take him out to spend time with our grandchildren, which he absolutely loves. At times, he will say that he wants to go back to our home, but that is not possible since he probably wouldn't want to leave. While I have peace of mind because I know that he is safe 24/7, it is still hard for me to live without him. The journey is tough. All you can do is navigate the best that you know how.

My dad was my mom’s primary caregiver. She was diagnosed in 2006, and her needs exceeded his ability to keep her safe in early 2010. As much as we wanted her to be able to stay home, her safety was paramount, and we all knew it. We (my sis, my dad and me) all toured MC places and found a lovely one.

My point is her best interests had to come first - health and safety are paramount. It doesn’t mean it’s not difficult emotionally, because it is. The thoughts - are we abandoning, failing, etc. Failure would be failing to recognize when the situation exceeds our abilities. Heck, we would move heaven and earth, if we could… but the point is, we can’t.

Health and safety. Her’s and yours, too. If she is wandering, finding a great place where she is safe, in the right environment with the right care, and you can visit, is going to benefit her the most. Plus you need your rest in order to advocate for her in other ways, and for you to stay healthy.

My best to you both.

Dear Newtothis22:

Yes, I did it for my wife of 55 years. It is selfish to hang on to something that is gone and you know it is gone yet your heart sees the physical person and not the reality of someone that is no longer occupying the physical body you know so well. You have to learn it.

My wife has been in MC for 6 weeks now and I visited her everyday for the first 4 weeks and have learned to try every other day but will also cut that back. I was her full time caregiver for approx. 4+ years and the disease finally stole her from me.

Like everybody told me but I didn't believe it, she has made new friends and may not even know there names but the attachment transfer is definitely there. You will be amazed at what the inner self finds to compensate for the loss of memory. It is a way and despite the incredible cost, it has saved my life and sanity for the remaining family I have and love.

I often say that dementia is a fate worse than death and it is....but who would choose that? Not me....I have my love and my memories and just hope and pray that my wife will be comfortable, satisfied and happy for as long as she is able to find compensation in what has been placed on her. With death, it is definitely over....with dementia, you are in a fight that you are going to lose. You can't help your loved one (other than MC) but you can and should help yourself.

If you just can't stand it, you can always take her out of MC care. But you will be signing your own extended misery.

I wish you luck!