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PhillaFisher Asked December 2022

My boyfriend is taking care of his 55-year-old mother and it ruined our relationship. Any advice?

She is diabetic and partially blind. She can do almost everything by herself but she chooses not to. She’s obese. The only help she needs is filling insulin syringes because digits are way too small for her to see, otherwise she has social media accounts and she is active so she can read. My boyfriend is very submissive, doing everything for her and refusing to move out or even allow our relationship to survive. “My mother needs me to stay alive,” his words. He keeps saying his mom will die if he leaves her, and I don’t want to be inconsiderate, but he keeps saying, “Her health will get worse over time and she’ll die one day and she needs me.” I just don’t understand if a person with diabetes and poor eyesight needs 24/7 care. She doesn’t like it when he gives me attention or spends time with me because she wants him to stay home doing chores and taking care of her. He sees nothing wrong with that. I didn’t mind living with her or even helping, but I feel like there’s something behind the “She’ll die if I leave her,” idea. She’s capable of doing everything on her own except things that require good eyesight like driving or filling medical syringes. I don’t know if I’m being cruel or she’ll actually die if he leaves. I just don’t know what to do. He said he can’t get a job because he has to take care of her 24/7 or else she’ll die.

BurntCaregiver Dec 2022
Your boyfriend is also using his mother as an excuse for why he doesn't work. He does not have to take care of her 24/7. She can get some homecare aides and as you said, she can still do for herself as well. Your boyfriend doesn't want to work. If mom's neediness wasn't his excuse to not work, he'd find another one.
This is not a situation you want to be part of unless you want to live a life of supporting your man and always playing second fiddle to his mother.
There are better fish in the sea then have ever been caught, my dear. You are young and should find a boyfriend with less baggage who actually has a job and some prospects in life.

lealonnie1 Dec 2022
Yeah, we'll ALL die one day, but hopefully, not at our own hands via a knife and fork.

She'll probably die if she continues eating enough calories to maintain a BMI that = obesity. And that requires daily insulin. And that's caused her to go nearly blind from diabetes. Not because her son isn't taking 24/7 care of her. People like your boyfriend's mother have CAUSED their own health conditions, then pawn off their 'required care' on their sons or daughters, and the government, of course, crying 'victim' that they'll 'die' if they're not looked after continuously, all the while having NOT looked after THEMSELVES to the tune of being THIS ill at 55 years old. So, in reality, who's the real victim here? You and this woman's son. And he's a happy, willing victim who doesn't want to look at the truth of the situation which you are now beginning to do yourself.

Things are highly unlikely to change here. The dysfunctional dynamic between this mother & her son has no room for a girlfriend in it, as you are seeing. At 55, she can live another THREE DECADES, causing herself more & more illness with every passing day by continuing to practice unhealthy habits.

What's best for YOU in this situation? I'd ask myself that question and then take the appropriate action to suit your needs. Your b/f has already made HIS position crystal clear to you.

Think about yourself here and if THIS is the default future YOU want.
BurntCaregiver Dec 2022
@lealonnie

Normally I agree with you and I agree with most of what you say in your comment here.
The part about her causing her own health problems I disagree with. Morbidly obese people are usually food addicts. They need recovery the same way alcoholics, drug addicts, and gamblers do. The son should try to get his mother to try recovery. Start attending OA (Overeater's Anonymous). Get on a medical weight loss plan from the doctor. If he wants to truly help and care for his mother, he would stop enabling her to be active in her food addiction.
They should both get therapy.

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MAP2013 Dec 2022
As a caregiver to my mom, I have given up considerable things in my life. All caregivers do.
But, I have never de-prioritized my primary relationship with my partner in favor of my mom.

The way I look at it, taking care of my mom is what I do today, taking care of my partner is my future. I love my mom, and enjoy making her as safe, secure, healthy, and happy as I can; but, I would be foolish (or codependent) to be so wrapped up in her that I trade my future.

Caregiving is often hard on romantic relationships (be it caring for kids or parents). It takes good communication to balance the priorities. It is understandable that some periods will be harder than others, but the day-to-day needs to be comfortable for both partners, and the parent.

I realize I am writing a lot of words to describe some of the disfunction that may be going on in this scenario but my hunch is your boyfriend is co-dependent, he is certainly deprioritizing you, and the communication between the two of you is ineffective. These are very serious problems in any partnership. You are unhappy, and he is unwilling or unable to make changes that make you happy.

You deserve to be happy.
He deserves to follow through with his caregiving calling without guilt.
The two of you may love each other deeply, but still be incompatible.
I would suggest that you take a break. If you continue in a miserable situation you will destroy any good feelings. If you politely give him the space to do what he needs to do, then you may find your way back to each other. Down the road, you might decide to try again. Or, you might move on and be happier alone or partnered with someone else. But, there is nothing you can change here but yourself. Respect yourself enough to expect more and decide to let him go.
NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2022
So much truth in this compassionate posting.

Your partner is lucky to have you.
AnnReid Dec 2022
Tragically this may be the best point in your relationship to make a break.

It is VERY difficult to find the balance point in your situation, but it does seem that your boyfriend isn’t interested in balance.

Be grateful you found this out sooner rather than later.

GG33432 Dec 2022
He's a loser. Move on.

Jamesj Dec 2022
I think you may need to walk away from this one. There is some serious co-dependency going on and that is nothing you can fix. If she is 55, then he is still a young man and should be working a job and planning his future. She is being selfish asking her young son to give up his life to take care of her and he is definitely codependent to think this is normal. They have issues. When she dies, he will still have issues. My suggestion is to back away from this relationship and put your efforts elsewhere as this is not a healthy one to stay in.

ZippyZee Dec 2022
It sounds like he's on the first step of a series of steps that ends in his dressing up in his mom's clothes and stabbing someone in the shower.

Run.
MJ1929 Dec 2022
I didn't see anything that said the BF owned a motel. 😉
TeethGrinder65 Dec 2022
Oh, honey. Run away.

Hothouseflower Dec 2022
I don’t think there’s any room for you in your boyfriend’s life. Don’t waste yiur time.

Lorrainie Dec 2022
Bottom line, his relationship with his mom is priority one! Remember the Golden Rule - You can't change a man.
TouchMatters Dec 2022
You can only change yourself.
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