What is the best way to explain to my mom with dementia that I have to put her in a memory care facility?
I know this will break her heart. She has never been with anyone but family practically her whole life. I plan to see her every day for as long as I can to make sure she is settled in, but this hurts me just knowing I have to tell her.
Everybody is always talking about the 'heartbreak' of placing a loved one in Memory Care Assisted Living. The REAL heartbreak is the disease of dementia/Alzheimer's, not the need to cry Uncle and admit how impossible it is for ONE exhausted, worn out and burned out human to care for a demented elder 24/7 at home. THAT is the REAL heartbreak, let's face it.
Nobody asked for dementia. Nobody asked to have a husband or a wife or a mother or a father to care for with such a condition. It was thrust upon us through no fault of our own. So here is where we find ourselves: alone and scared, with TOO MUCH on our plates, trying to pretend we're Superwoman or Superman and sure, we can handle incontinence, and staying up all night wandering, and asking the same questions 1000x in an hour, and refusing to take medications, and screaming horrible insults at us 24/7, and stripping naked while smearing feces on the wall, and refusing to shower insisting they 'already did' when they didn't since last month. Nor did they change their stinking clothing which reeks to high heaven.
And on and on. Truth is, most of us mere mortals CANNOT handle this alone.
Yet here we are, talking about the 'heartbreak' of 'putting' them into their own room in a clean, well run Memory Care ALF where she'll be fed 3 hot meals a day, able to socialize with peers her own age in the SAME boat, have activities geared towards her ability levels, movies to watch, outings to go on in a mini bus that are SAFE, caregivers to change them, bathe them, dress them, attend to their every need 24/7......etc etc.
Let's change the thinking here from 'heartbreak' to 'gratitude such a thing exists' to HELP my loved one manage their condition properly. With a team of people.
It's the best of a bad situation, in reality, so once we acknowledge that, we move forward.
Let's ignore the guilt inducing/shaming comments that suggest we SHOULD be able to accomplish this impossible task alone at home, and what on earth is wrong with us for NOT being able to manage such a 'simple & easy' task? And let's move on with the placement knowing in our heart's it's the right thing to do. And that we'll visit daily if we'd like, erasing all doubt that the loved one is 'abandoned' and all that nonsense. And we'll call as needed too, making our presence known in the MC and advocate for our loved one ALL the time.
It's like taking a loved one to the hospital when they're sick. Are we so proud and ego driven to think "oh I'll just care for her at home all by myself"? Yeah, no. When it's time to call in the pro's, it's time to call in the pro's.
Here is a link to an article with 50 Tips on Transitioning a Loved One Into Memory Care:
Follow THESE suggestions for best results, but pick & choose what you feel works best for YOUR loved one.
I myself did not stay away for 2 weeks while mom 'adjusted' to MC; I visited her daily and called her as well, leaving her a landline in her room to call ME as needed. It worked out well.
Remember: nobody wants this, nobody asked for such a diagnosis, not you or your mom. You're making the best decision for BOTH of you at this juncture. Move forward with confidence & show that confidence TO your mom in your voice & your actions.
Wishing you the best of luck and a smooth transition for your mom.
I wish I could like this post a thousand times. Your post really puts placing a demented LO in a whole new context, and as usual you're a hundred percent spot on. Well done.
I was honest with my mom. She needed to be safe and that she needed more help than I could provide. I told her a week or so before the move. If I could do it again, I would have waited a little longer to tell her. I would have also transitioned her earlier, when she had more cognitive ability. I do think they transition better when they still have some ADL capability.
In my case the ALF was sold to another company in the first few weeks. It was a rocky transition. I did visit every day simply because the ALF struggled with the management change. I am glad I did visit! I contemplated moving her to a new facility but did not want additional trauma. She loved her room but it took about 6 weeks to get into a rhythm. She was an introvert and that made the transition a little more challenging.
It will be the hardest thing you ever do. That is a fact! But, the visits were wonderful. I was able to visit as a daughter and spend quality time rather than task time. When I left her each day, my home was a place of rest so that when I visited the next day, I was at 100%.
Take one day at a time. Expect some transitioning time. It is normal to second guess in the first weeks. My husband wanted to bring her home many days. Give it time.
I just put my mom, 79, with dementia in to AL, with extra levels of care needed.
It kind of broke my mom's heart too. But she is adjusting.
So, do you have POA and are you working with the facility to set everything up? That's what I did. There would have been no way to involve my mom in the process. She would not have been on board and would have just been mad and upset. Would not have been helpful to anyone involved, most of all me.
I waited until 2 days before the move to let mom know. Any earlier and it would have just been too hard to deal with the repetition and the crying and the "you don't want me" accusations. With dementia, they don't need a lot of notice. You are going to handle everything so there is really nothing for her to do in advance.
I don't know how your mom is but my mom does not understand or accept that she has dementia and needs a lot of help. So I did not try to explain it in that fashion since she would probably have given me answers on how she doesn't need help, I can just leave her alone, etc. Instead of setting up that argument, I just used a fib telling her that we need to get the house ready to sell so we can downsize to get into a small retirement house. It's not a 100% fib cuz we do need to do it, it's just not going to be done in the immediate future.
So you can change that to needing to repaint the house. Or replace the flooring. Or that you have mold. Something that makes enough sense that you can say it over and over again.
Expect her to be upset and confused. It takes varying amounts of time to adjust.
It might not break her heart as much as you think. My never-married BIL developed Alzheimers, which resulted in his driving around in his car for days and getting lost. So his brother and the doctor decided it was time for memory care. BIL had never lived with anyone but his mother, who lived to 100, and brother.
Everyone was so worried that he wouldn't adjust and would be overwhelmed. He went to a group home, 5 to 7 residents, and has been there 5 or 6 years. He fit in with the routine immediately. When he first got there he looked around and said, "Nice place!" The caregivers love him, and he's able bodied, so he likes to help with care for some of the others who can't get around. He forgot about his house, where he'd lived alone since mom died, and he thought his car was being repaired and forgot about it too. He's also forgotten family. But he smiles all the time and says how happy he is.
Find the right home for your LO. They're not all alike.
One method often used, but controversial, is to just not tell her anything. Some facilities and mental health professionals recommend no visitors at all for the first two weeks after a loved one is placed in a nursing home. Especially for an Alzheimer's patient as explanations would probably be futile. They have to acclimate to their new situation, there is no choice.
I didn't tell my mom. I had taken her to visit the assisted living home and they had come to her house to talk with her. She refused to go. I had to go back to work and the caregiver couldn't work more hours, so I just made the appointment. Care giver and I took her and stayed with her for several hours, then took turns for the next few days to go stay with her and help her out. It's good we did because another woman moved in the same day and she was a huge problem, so the staff was too busy to comfort my mom. I told Mom I had to have surgery and so couldn't take care of her. She adjusted eventually. I actually think it was all harder on me than her because I understood she'd never return to her beautiful home. But she made up in her mind that the assisted living facility was the house she had decided to buy years ago and it had finally happened.
rapidswimmer, it is ok to use what are called "therapeutic fibs" for such situations.
If your Mom understand what is her doctor, you can always say "doctor's orders until she feels/does better" or whatever you think Mom would believe.
If possible, try to set up Mom's bedroom furniture the same as she has it at home. I did that for my Dad and that helped him when he would awaken in the middle of the night, he would see his furniture placed the same so he wouldn't become scared. Also, use Mom's same bedspread.
Perhaps tell her, once there, that this is where she'll be staying while you take care of some medical appointments and let her know that you'll visit as often as you can while you're taking care of the 'condition' you've had to put off taking care of for yourself because she's needed so much help.
One thing that seems to really strike home with my mom is telling her about my own medical needs, she becomes totally self-effacing and tells me not to worry about her, to take care of myself. Maybe you can appeal to her deep sense of love and caring for you and explain that you need this time to take care of yourself, please.
Mt mom is in a MC at 88 and has empathy for me that is over the top. We've all been dealing with respiratory flu here at home and I have to be careful what I say because she'll fret while she has recall of it. I'm up for hip replacement in a couple weeks and I'm very careful what I say to her about the difficulties I'm having with mobility. I don't know how long she actually remembers it now, but while talking, she is very empathetic.
You may have to feel your way through this. Just know that it will require at least 3-5 months adjustment for her and will likely cause a dip in her cognition. Do what you can to encourage relationships with the unit SW and Nursing Director, they're the primary go-to for a resident and will try to help her to adjust.
Most people that I know didn't tell their loved one anything, other than they were taking them out to lunch. And the lunch just happened to be at the facility, and when lunch was over the aides just took the loved one for a walk to their new room, while the family just left. Now of course the family already had the room all set up with familiar things for their loved one, like pictures, favorite chair and the like, to make the transition more smooth. And yes, it is always recommended that family and friends DON'T visit for the first week or two to allow time for your loved one to get adjusted to their new surroundings and schedule. You can call the facility and talk to the staff daily if it makes you feel better at first, but know that they will call you if and when there is an issue. Please give your mom time to adjust as hard as it may be for you, or you will be doing her and yourself an injustice by not allowing her to get adjusted. I'm wishing you well.
I hadn't thought about not telling her... I always told myself I would be honest with her throughout. I guess that isn't practical anymore. I have not selected a place yet, we will need a Medicaid bed and it's hard to find a place. There aren't very many. All the places that do take Medicaid have only one and two stars when I look at reviews. It scares me. I was told I would need an assessment from her doctor. I made an appointment to get this out of the way but they said he would have to ask her questions and that he would have to let her know about going into a nursing home. I wanted to be the one to tell her. Now I think I should push the appointment out until I'm ready to place her. I think I will also speak to her doctor before this appointment since I really don't know what to expect. I'm never really sure how much she remembers so I'm nut sure if she would remember if I talked to her about it or not. I was married in Oct of last year (only three months with my husband before all this happened) today I was in my closet and she noticed and remembered my wedding dress. She wasn't even there but I gave her pictures. This is so hard, the hardest thing I've ever done. Mom was always my best friend and biggest fan. I hate having to do this.
I took my step mother out to lunch, my brother moved her furniture from AL to MC, came back from lunch and explained that this was her new home, some adjustments as she liked to roam around outside, but she is fine now, she is part of the group walking gang.
Learned over explaining doesn't work.
Also visiting everyday in the beginning is not a good idea, they need to settle in, every home that I have worked with has been clear, stay away for a few weeks, let the person acclimate.
You are super imposing your feelings and concerns on her, she has dementia, she will forget about it all in a day or two. Her mind is broken, that is why she needs memory care.
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Nobody asked for dementia. Nobody asked to have a husband or a wife or a mother or a father to care for with such a condition. It was thrust upon us through no fault of our own. So here is where we find ourselves: alone and scared, with TOO MUCH on our plates, trying to pretend we're Superwoman or Superman and sure, we can handle incontinence, and staying up all night wandering, and asking the same questions 1000x in an hour, and refusing to take medications, and screaming horrible insults at us 24/7, and stripping naked while smearing feces on the wall, and refusing to shower insisting they 'already did' when they didn't since last month. Nor did they change their stinking clothing which reeks to high heaven.
And on and on. Truth is, most of us mere mortals CANNOT handle this alone.
Yet here we are, talking about the 'heartbreak' of 'putting' them into their own room in a clean, well run Memory Care ALF where she'll be fed 3 hot meals a day, able to socialize with peers her own age in the SAME boat, have activities geared towards her ability levels, movies to watch, outings to go on in a mini bus that are SAFE, caregivers to change them, bathe them, dress them, attend to their every need 24/7......etc etc.
Let's change the thinking here from 'heartbreak' to 'gratitude such a thing exists' to HELP my loved one manage their condition properly. With a team of people.
It's the best of a bad situation, in reality, so once we acknowledge that, we move forward.
Let's ignore the guilt inducing/shaming comments that suggest we SHOULD be able to accomplish this impossible task alone at home, and what on earth is wrong with us for NOT being able to manage such a 'simple & easy' task? And let's move on with the placement knowing in our heart's it's the right thing to do. And that we'll visit daily if we'd like, erasing all doubt that the loved one is 'abandoned' and all that nonsense. And we'll call as needed too, making our presence known in the MC and advocate for our loved one ALL the time.
It's like taking a loved one to the hospital when they're sick. Are we so proud and ego driven to think "oh I'll just care for her at home all by myself"? Yeah, no. When it's time to call in the pro's, it's time to call in the pro's.
Here is a link to an article with 50 Tips on Transitioning a Loved One Into Memory Care:
https://www.seniorlink.com/blog/50-tips-on-transitioning-a-loved-one-to-memory-dementia-or-alzheimers-careyour-blog-post-title-here
Follow THESE suggestions for best results, but pick & choose what you feel works best for YOUR loved one.
I myself did not stay away for 2 weeks while mom 'adjusted' to MC; I visited her daily and called her as well, leaving her a landline in her room to call ME as needed. It worked out well.
Remember: nobody wants this, nobody asked for such a diagnosis, not you or your mom. You're making the best decision for BOTH of you at this juncture. Move forward with confidence & show that confidence TO your mom in your voice & your actions.
Wishing you the best of luck and a smooth transition for your mom.
I wish I could like this post a thousand times. Your post really puts placing a demented LO in a whole new context, and as usual you're a hundred percent spot on. Well done.
In my case the ALF was sold to another company in the first few weeks. It was a rocky transition. I did visit every day simply because the ALF struggled with the management change. I am glad I did visit! I contemplated moving her to a new facility but did not want additional trauma. She loved her room but it took about 6 weeks to get into a rhythm. She was an introvert and that made the transition a little more challenging.
It will be the hardest thing you ever do. That is a fact! But, the visits were wonderful. I was able to visit as a daughter and spend quality time rather than task time. When I left her each day, my home was a place of rest so that when I visited the next day, I was at 100%.
Take one day at a time. Expect some transitioning time. It is normal to second guess in the first weeks. My husband wanted to bring her home many days. Give it time.
I wish you blessing during this transition.
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It kind of broke my mom's heart too. But she is adjusting.
So, do you have POA and are you working with the facility to set everything up? That's what I did. There would have been no way to involve my mom in the process. She would not have been on board and would have just been mad and upset. Would not have been helpful to anyone involved, most of all me.
I waited until 2 days before the move to let mom know. Any earlier and it would have just been too hard to deal with the repetition and the crying and the "you don't want me" accusations. With dementia, they don't need a lot of notice. You are going to handle everything so there is really nothing for her to do in advance.
I don't know how your mom is but my mom does not understand or accept that she has dementia and needs a lot of help. So I did not try to explain it in that fashion since she would probably have given me answers on how she doesn't need help, I can just leave her alone, etc. Instead of setting up that argument, I just used a fib telling her that we need to get the house ready to sell so we can downsize to get into a small retirement house. It's not a 100% fib cuz we do need to do it, it's just not going to be done in the immediate future.
So you can change that to needing to repaint the house. Or replace the flooring. Or that you have mold. Something that makes enough sense that you can say it over and over again.
Expect her to be upset and confused. It takes varying amounts of time to adjust.
Best of luck.
Everyone was so worried that he wouldn't adjust and would be overwhelmed. He went to a group home, 5 to 7 residents, and has been there 5 or 6 years. He fit in with the routine immediately. When he first got there he looked around and said, "Nice place!" The caregivers love him, and he's able bodied, so he likes to help with care for some of the others who can't get around. He forgot about his house, where he'd lived alone since mom died, and he thought his car was being repaired and forgot about it too. He's also forgotten family. But he smiles all the time and says how happy he is.
Find the right home for your LO. They're not all alike.
If your Mom understand what is her doctor, you can always say "doctor's orders until she feels/does better" or whatever you think Mom would believe.
If possible, try to set up Mom's bedroom furniture the same as she has it at home. I did that for my Dad and that helped him when he would awaken in the middle of the night, he would see his furniture placed the same so he wouldn't become scared. Also, use Mom's same bedspread.
Hope everything is a win-win :)
So glad that you reached this decision.
Perhaps tell her, once there, that this is where she'll be staying while you take care of some medical appointments and let her know that you'll visit as often as you can while you're taking care of the 'condition' you've had to put off taking care of for yourself because she's needed so much help.
One thing that seems to really strike home with my mom is telling her about my own medical needs, she becomes totally self-effacing and tells me not to worry about her, to take care of myself. Maybe you can appeal to her deep sense of love and caring for you and explain that you need this time to take care of yourself, please.
Mt mom is in a MC at 88 and has empathy for me that is over the top. We've all been dealing with respiratory flu here at home and I have to be careful what I say because she'll fret while she has recall of it. I'm up for hip replacement in a couple weeks and I'm very careful what I say to her about the difficulties I'm having with mobility. I don't know how long she actually remembers it now, but while talking, she is very empathetic.
You may have to feel your way through this. Just know that it will require at least 3-5 months adjustment for her and will likely cause a dip in her cognition. Do what you can to encourage relationships with the unit SW and Nursing Director, they're the primary go-to for a resident and will try to help her to adjust.
I wish you strength through this adjustment time.
Now of course the family already had the room all set up with familiar things for their loved one, like pictures, favorite chair and the like, to make the transition more smooth.
And yes, it is always recommended that family and friends DON'T visit for the first week or two to allow time for your loved one to get adjusted to their new surroundings and schedule.
You can call the facility and talk to the staff daily if it makes you feel better at first, but know that they will call you if and when there is an issue.
Please give your mom time to adjust as hard as it may be for you, or you will be doing her and yourself an injustice by not allowing her to get adjusted.
I'm wishing you well.
I was told I would need an assessment from her doctor. I made an appointment to get this out of the way but they said he would have to ask her questions and that he would have to let her know about going into a nursing home. I wanted to be the one to tell her. Now I think I should push the appointment out until I'm ready to place her. I think I will also speak to her doctor before this appointment since I really don't know what to expect.
I'm never really sure how much she remembers so I'm nut sure if she would remember if I talked to her about it or not. I was married in Oct of last year (only three months with my husband before all this happened) today I was in my closet and she noticed and remembered my wedding dress. She wasn't even there but I gave her pictures.
This is so hard, the hardest thing I've ever done. Mom was always my best friend and biggest fan. I hate having to do this.
Learned over explaining doesn't work.
Also visiting everyday in the beginning is not a good idea, they need to settle in, every home that I have worked with has been clear, stay away for a few weeks, let the person acclimate.
You are super imposing your feelings and concerns on her, she has dementia, she will forget about it all in a day or two. Her mind is broken, that is why she needs memory care.
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