My wife has nothing to do and spends time walking around the house doing an inventory and either hiding things or just messing with them. Any suggestions?

.....Continued from below:

As you can see, bathing and grooming become disrupted BIG TIME when AD/dementia is at play. You can watch Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to help you figure out how to get your wife into the shower. You can hire someone to come into the house to bathe her, or, you can get her placed in Memory Care BEFORE a 'crisis' hits that forces the issue, as you mentioned earlier. One way or another, this is an issue that must be addressed at some point if you want a life yourself, and if you want your wife bathed and socialized and fed 3 hot meals a day, etc. My mother lived in MC for 3 years and received an excellent quality of care, and I was able to be her daughter instead of her exhausted servant caregiver who was in over her head and out of her realm medically.

I recommend a book, Living In The Labyrinth by Diana Friel McGowan, which is an autobiography of a woman living with Alzheimer's Disease. You can get a feel for what your DW is going through herself with AD by reading this book.

https://www.amazon.com/Living-Labyrinth-Personal-Journey-Alzheimers/dp/0385313187/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1WMDX0PTDT2BF&keywords=living+in+the+labyrinth&qid=1672245734&sprefix=living+in+the+labryin%2Caps%2C955&sr=8-1

You're not a 'failure' if you place your wife; you're a burned out and overwhelmed husband who can't figure out HOW to make his wife happy, safe and comfortable while maintaining a life of his OWN at the same time. That's all.

Wishing you the best of luck coming to terms with the reality of this situation.

Dave, you've been posting about your wife's Alzheimer's/Dementia for quite a while now, and her inability to recognize it (anosognosia). While you may not acknowledge her dementia as being a 'big deal' or as 'advanced' as many other's may be, she's not showering, she's removing the wires from your computer every night (which I'm sure has no bearing on what YOU yourself are doing on your computer but with her dementia), her eating habits have dramatically changed, she's shadowing you 24/7, she's very suspicious, hiding things, super paranoid, cleaning her teeth in the kitchen, ignoring hygiene, unable to focus on books or TV etc. These are ALL SIGNS of advanced or advancing dementia that has way passed the 'beginning' stages. Your wife has become more than you can handle, whether you are willing to admit it or not. Just the refusal to bathe issue is a problem which is not getting fixed w/o hiring a bathe aide to come into your home, or getting her into Memory Care Assisted Living to be resolved.

In April I sent you a link to a book, Understanding the Dementia Experience. From that book:

"Grooming and bathing are disrupted when the person forgets how and when to do things. They may forget what the steps of washing are. They may forget that they need to wash. They may be unable to remember how much time has elapsed since they last washed or changed their clothes. They may also believe that they are clean and take offence should anyone suggest otherwise. Dealing with such situations in a manner that is kind and jovial, rather than confrontational, is important. One fellow, who needed to help his wife bathe as she was no longer able to do so herself, was puzzled because she was calm and cooperative until he helped her step out of the bathtub, and then she became agitated and wanted to get covered up immediately. As it turned out, as soon as she saw her own reflection in the mirror, she thought there was another person in the bathroom, and she was embarrassed. As you can see, the cause of the distress for a person with dementia is not always readily apparent to the rest of us, who can take intact thought and reasoning for granted.

If a person with Alzheimer disease is looking at a solid black area, or a solid white area, such as a bathtub, they may perceive a yawning bottomless hole. Putting a coloured bath mat down may increase the likelihood that they would be willing to step into the tub. Putting blue food colouring into the water may allow them to see what they are stepping into as well. Generally, with altered depth perception, it becomes challenging to judge how high, deep, long, wide, near or far things are.

If you send clear signals through your tone of voice, facial expression and relaxed and confident attitude, that you mean them no harm, they may trust you to the point where you are able to help them with their personal care. People with Alzheimer disease become extremely sensitive to the body language of others, as they no longer possess the judgment and insight to understand the situation, so they evaluate the threat posed to themselves by the frown or aggressive stance of the other. It is important to exaggerate your body language communication to let the person with Alzheimer disease know that you intend them no harm. A smile on your face, a relaxed tone of voice and body stance, a sense of calmness and reassurance, perhaps a hug, all communicate that you mean to help, not harm. If you feel like you’re overdoing the positive body language, you are communicating your intent effectively for a person with Alzheimer disease.

Remember that their short-term memory may not permit them to remember what you are doing when the two of you are part way through a task, such as a bath. People have found it effective to keep chatting throughout the task, as the continued connection and reassurance of a soothing tone helps the person with Alzheimer disease stay calm in a situation they would otherwise find threatening."

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I did it both ways. This time I will broaden my search for a more active Day Care.

You will need to come up with activities for her. We ask my 100-yr old Aunt to fold a large stack of kitchen towels, or to read aloud to us, chop veggies or fruit, sort things, like a large basket of colorful socks that she can sort & pair. This also helps them to burn energy so they often will sleep better.

The decision to transition her into MC would really be your call, not hers. Few people are "happy" about leaving what is familiar but they do adjust. Find a good, reputable local place now so that if/when you're ready you don't have to make the decision under duress, or during a crisis.

I would try the Adult Day Care Center again and this time, just leave her there regardless of what she says. All that I know of do a great job of keeping everyone busy and most are very tired when they get picked up to go home.
You can take her early in the morning and they will feed her breakfast, lunch and a snack, and you can pick her up 8 hours later which will give you plenty of time for yourself. And she can be there 5 days a week if you so choose.
And of course if you're just tired of dealing with it all, it may be time to place her in a Memory Care facility, though they won't keep her nearly as busy as the Day Care Center will, just FYI.
You have to do what is best for you both.

She'd be better off in memory care, but I don't believe that she's bored in the normal sense. WE would be bored.

With them, it's something different because their brains are broken. They're incapable of being bored as we know it. Instead they can't figure things out, so they wander around looking vacant. Or they want to have visitors but can't understand the conversation, don't associate it with things like they did before they were sick, and their caregiver does the entertaining while they look puzzled. That's because a visitor is mentioning things they have no memory about - "You just wouldn't believe what your sister Sally Jo did yesterday! Why, she baked a cake and invited your grandchildren over to decorate it!" Dementia patient smiles and nods but has no idea in that moment what a sister is, who Sally Jo is, what the word "bake" means, how to do that to a "cake," and you mean I have grandchildren? What are they? I don't have grandchildren! She's lying to me!

Meanwhile the visitor is off on another paragraph saying they can't decide whether to buy a white car or a gray one. What's a car? Buy it? But the patient keeps smiling and nodding. Bored? They don't know enough to be bored about. They're blank a lot of the time. Dementia is a sad, sad situation. It's important to remember they're not who they were. Don't expect their parameters to be as ours are. And in this lady's case, she might benefit from a bit of ativan to calm her anxiety.

I wish you luck in finding a nice home for your wife.

I think you stated the answer to your question yourself when you said that your wife would most likely be happier in memory care.

I feel like she would adjust to her new surroundings and there would be other residents for her to socialize with, plus different activities for her to participate in.

Wishing you and your wife all the best.

I hope that you will be able to get more rest soon. You must be exhausted from not having much time for yourself.

She might as well be suspicious and shadowing people without you as with you. When you tried the Day Care, did you stay or did you leave her to it?