Any advice for how to deal with my 92-year-old father-in-law whose negativity has worsened so much that it’s triggered my husband’s a-fib?
It’s gotten to the point where my husband and I have become extremely resentful of his father. We feel like he’s ruining our lives, and putting him in assisted living is not a viable option for us unfortunately.
With Dementia ur FIL is not a candidate for an Assisted Living, he would be placed in Memory Care, which even is more expensive. I will assume AL not being an option is FIL can't afford it. If this is so, then you place him into Longterm care. He will qualify because he is 24/7 care. Talk to Dads PCP and tell him having the care of Dad is effecting DHs health. You need to place FIL.
Medicare does not pay for LTC only Rehab which is 100% the first 20 days and the 21st to 100, 50% as Barb said.
Medicaid pays for LTC. FIL needs to fit the income criteria. Check with your state but asset level is usually 2k allowed. The monthly income level in my State is just over $2300. If his monthly income level is over the amt set in your State, there are Miller/Qualifying Income Trusts, in some States, that can be set up by a lawyer for the overage so FIL qualifies.
If he has any money get him placed in a LTC facility that allows Medicaid. My Mom had 20k. I applied for Medicaid in April. Placed Mom May 1st, her 20k covered May and June. This gave me time to spend down her money and get info needed to her Medicaid caseworker. June I confirmed caseworker had everything and Medicaid started July 1st. I allowed the NH to become Moms payee for SS and her pension so I did not have to worry about that. If he has no money, talk to Medicaid about getting him in a facility. If FIL goes to the hospital, refuse to take him home saying he needs care that you are no longer able to give him. They will tell you they can get you in home care but its not enough and then your dealing with aides coming and going.
Your husbands health is now at stake. That is his and your #1 concern. Dad is second. Its time for someone else to do Dads care.
Paulleenator, welcome to the forum. May I ask when was the last time your Dad-in-law was tested for a Urinary Tract Infection? Such an infection can cause all types of different behavior issues in an older person.
An UTI test can be done by Dad-in-Laws primary doctor [peeing in a cup] and even by Urgent Care. If it comes back positive, antibiotics can help control the infection.
It's worth a try. If it is not an UTI, then time for primary doctor to recommend a med that will help calm down your husband's dad.
Who's more important: FIL or your husband? If the answer is your husband then you will do whatever it takes to protect him and your marriage. Call social workers, call 911 to take him to the hospital and then do not go back to get him. Let the county become his guardian and then they'll take care of the decision-making. It will feel hard at first but then things will get better once FIL is out of your presence.
Teethgrinder, Medicare will cover the first 20 days of REHAB in a facility after a qualifying hospital stay IF rehab is ordered by a doctor. Medicare covers day 21-100 at 50%. A good Medicare supplement plan may pick up the other 50% IF the patient is cooperative and is determined to need continued therapy by the therapy team.
He’s ruining your lives, causing your husband to have a heart issue that could kill him, and moving him to assisted living isn’t an option? How far would this have to go before it would be?
Caring for your father is having a negative impact on your husband's health, it seems.
Without any other information, it appears that you should take the elder to the ER and ask for a "social admit"-- you tell them that he can no longer be cared for at home.
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Medicare does not pay for LTC only Rehab which is 100% the first 20 days and the 21st to 100, 50% as Barb said.
Medicaid pays for LTC. FIL needs to fit the income criteria. Check with your state but asset level is usually 2k allowed. The monthly income level in my State is just over $2300. If his monthly income level is over the amt set in your State, there are Miller/Qualifying Income Trusts, in some States, that can be set up by a lawyer for the overage so FIL qualifies.
If he has any money get him placed in a LTC facility that allows Medicaid. My Mom had 20k. I applied for Medicaid in April. Placed Mom May 1st, her 20k covered May and June. This gave me time to spend down her money and get info needed to her Medicaid caseworker. June I confirmed caseworker had everything and Medicaid started July 1st. I allowed the NH to become Moms payee for SS and her pension so I did not have to worry about that. If he has no money, talk to Medicaid about getting him in a facility. If FIL goes to the hospital, refuse to take him home saying he needs care that you are no longer able to give him. They will tell you they can get you in home care but its not enough and then your dealing with aides coming and going.
Your husbands health is now at stake. That is his and your #1 concern. Dad is second. Its time for someone else to do Dads care.
An UTI test can be done by Dad-in-Laws primary doctor [peeing in a cup] and even by Urgent Care. If it comes back positive, antibiotics can help control the infection.
It's worth a try. If it is not an UTI, then time for primary doctor to recommend a med that will help calm down your husband's dad.
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Who's more important: FIL or your husband? If the answer is your husband then you will do whatever it takes to protect him and your marriage. Call social workers, call 911 to take him to the hospital and then do not go back to get him. Let the county become his guardian and then they'll take care of the decision-making. It will feel hard at first but then things will get better once FIL is out of your presence.
If he's living with you, tell him it's time for him to leave, and the deadline is X.
Medicare covers nursing home care for 90 days. After that, it's up to your FIL, not you, to pay. Medicaid will kick in.
Same situation with my FIL, unfortunately, but he's in his own home.
Without any other information, it appears that you should take the elder to the ER and ask for a "social admit"-- you tell them that he can no longer be cared for at home.