Yes it is for the better, if they are going to the right reasons. Long term, very much for the better. The ALS will take care of the incontinence, any other odd behavior, the cooking, the cleaning, and someone is available to ensure they have help when they need it.
Best of all, if you should get upset with them, you can walk out and know they are in capable hands. Then go back for a visit, when you are mentally ready.
However, this does NOT mean that you can completely step away. You are now a manager, instead of a doer, of their care. You have the responsibility to ensure they are treated well and properly cared for. You will become the "treat" that they look forward to.
Make sure you label everything they take. Take as much/little as you can to the new room to make it be like a home...pictures, chairs, furniture. Don't take anything valuable (e.g. money, jewelry) as it may go missing. We let my Mom have an old iPad so that my sister can Facetime her. I haven't seen the iPad in months, but I know that my sister occasionally will Facetime with my Mom.
It can take more than 2 months for them to get used to a new routine. Don't be afraid of their complaints. It is expected as this is a huge change for them. Visit them often as it really does help them feel like you are not abandoning them and it helps you to know what is normal and what is not. I investigated all the complaints and made changes when I thought they made sense. Most of the complaints were really because it was a change.
Be confident that you can mediate between them and the facility.
For me, one of the best decisions I made (and others will not agree), is that I did NOT turn over any medical responsibilities to the facility and I do NOT use their preferred pharmacy (they promoted it as weekly wellness checks and convenience, however, the fine print made me sign over PCP care to their facility. As for the pharmacy, every refill comes with a $35 delivery fee which is not covered by insurance.) I take my Mom to all appointments, I want to talk to the doctor about any changes in her health and medication, I take her somewhere else for flu shots and COVID vaccine shots, I arrange for her PT (they go to the facility as a home visit). I have to be consulted before she is transported out of the facility for medical reasons. Yes, more work for me. However, as a result, I know that I've saved her from over medication and several rides in the ambulance to the emergency room. For me, it is peace of mind that I'm doing my best for her.
So, moving your parents to an ALS near you, allows you to choose how involved you want to be. That is a big plus for them (because they will always have assistance near by) as well as you (because you know they will always be in capable hands).
You are doing the right thing.
P.S. Just because the facility has the reputation of being top notch, doesn't mean that every detail is top notch. Listen to your parent's stories and complaints. Take action if needed. Keep an open mind.
According to your profile, your mother suffers from Alzheimers/dementia. If so, AL or Memory Care AL is often the best choice. My folks were both living in AL for a time, and they really loved it. After dad passed, mom continued living in AL until her dementia progressed, and then I moved her into their Memory Care building where she thrived for nearly 3 years.
If I had it to do all over again, I'd do it the exact same way, if that's any consolation to you. While AL/MC is not perfect, it offers elders on site care management, doctors, nurses, medication management, 3 hot meals a day, activities, crafts, socialization, outings on the mini bus............so many amenities, it's impossible to list them all. But above all else, it offers your folks a safe environment and that's the most important feature of all.
They have each other. That is fabulous. Go see them a few times a week to make sure they are adjusting. There is no perfect AL. Some have decent care, some have decent food, and some have decent maintenance…you just can’t have it all. Keep that in the back of your mind. Have a presence there, especially in the beginning, to let the staff know you will be checking in on your parents. Set your expectations to be reasonable, and help your parents do the same.
Post-pandemic, many AL communities are understaffed. Keep that in mind.
they may say they are being treated badly, the food is terrible, no one is nice to them,
and then over time, come to learn that there are lovely pleasant things happening where they are, and come to love where they are living.
Talk to staff about how to handle problems, make yourselves scarce for a few (or several) days to give them time to adjust, do NOT stick around if they act up, tell them you love them whether they listen or not.
For yourself repeat the mantra “……safety and comfort and structure and help…..” which is what they will receive as AL residents, and remember that decisions you have made WITH LOVE and CONCERN will always be on the right track.
Absolutely. Their needs will be addressed by professionals, they'll have lots more to do than sit around and looking glum, and you can back off and let them adjust. Happy holidays!
Are your parents on board with this? Or are they giving you a hard time? I hope they are on board, as that will make it easier. Also easier since they will be together. It'll be an adjustment, but they'll be OK. My mom just moved into AL (against her wishes) but has adjusted nicely and is participating in some activities, etc. Walking down to meals 3 times a day is almost enough to keep her busy!
ValleyTB, welcome to the forum. Yes, your decision that your parents move to Assisted Living is the right thing.
There comes a time where it now take a village to care for one's parent(s), Staff that is familiar with different issues and how to handle said issues. The facility probably has around the clock Nurse on site.
My own Dad moved into senior living and he was so relieved not to be dealing with maintaining his house, no more climbing ladders at 94. Dad, even though he wasn't a social butterfly, liked being around people of his own generation. The facility would have someone come in to play songs from that era which Dad really enjoyed. He also enjoyed the restaurant style menu meals and not having to wash the dishes afterwards :)
Of course it's the best thing for them and for you and your family, you wouldn't have done all of this preparation for your LOs if you didn't know that it is for the best.
They'll have eyes on them, meals provided, all the same amenities as home with the added benefits of socializing with people their own ages and the choice to go on organized outings and other activities.
Naturally, the loss of home and their independence is something that they and all of the family will grieve, but consider also that this may come as a huge relief to them. It takes at least 3-5 months for adjustment to these changes so don't be worried about some initial drop in cognition as they adjust to a whole new way of living; they will adapt, it just takes time.
You can celebrate the holiday with them, by visiting and sharing a meal, whether food brought from home, a delivered holiday meal with all the trimmings, or by bringing dessert to share with them after the main meal of the day.
Help them set up the apt. with their chosen items and make it feel familiar and homey for them. Their best-of Christmas or other Holiday observance decorations will help to make the place feel more like home for them and everyone else.
My folks were reaching the point where they needed help, Dad was caring for Mom in her increasing dependence and we had planned to place my house on the market and move to their locale to help them. We lost Dad to Covid and the script got flipped and now Mom is in a MC unit. Once I arranged for the sale of their home contents, sans bequests and a few chosen items, I saw the extent to which Dad had been downsizing their possessions and I know it was mainly an effort to simplify their daily life and also his effort to make my eventual job easier. Tools sold, closets cleared, excess items donated, etc.
I think that your parents will find a sense of relief once adjusted to the AL facility because life will so very much easier for them. You are doing the very best thing for them and allowing for the period required to adjust, I think you'll see their overall wellbeing lifted as they dig into this next phase of their life together.
9 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Best of all, if you should get upset with them, you can walk out and know they are in capable hands. Then go back for a visit, when you are mentally ready.
However, this does NOT mean that you can completely step away. You are now a manager, instead of a doer, of their care. You have the responsibility to ensure they are treated well and properly cared for. You will become the "treat" that they look forward to.
Make sure you label everything they take. Take as much/little as you can to the new room to make it be like a home...pictures, chairs, furniture. Don't take anything valuable (e.g. money, jewelry) as it may go missing. We let my Mom have an old iPad so that my sister can Facetime her. I haven't seen the iPad in months, but I know that my sister occasionally will Facetime with my Mom.
It can take more than 2 months for them to get used to a new routine. Don't be afraid of their complaints. It is expected as this is a huge change for them. Visit them often as it really does help them feel like you are not abandoning them and it helps you to know what is normal and what is not. I investigated all the complaints and made changes when I thought they made sense. Most of the complaints were really because it was a change.
Be confident that you can mediate between them and the facility.
For me, one of the best decisions I made (and others will not agree), is that I did NOT turn over any medical responsibilities to the facility and I do NOT use their preferred pharmacy (they promoted it as weekly wellness checks and convenience, however, the fine print made me sign over PCP care to their facility. As for the pharmacy, every refill comes with a $35 delivery fee which is not covered by insurance.) I take my Mom to all appointments, I want to talk to the doctor about any changes in her health and medication, I take her somewhere else for flu shots and COVID vaccine shots, I arrange for her PT (they go to the facility as a home visit). I have to be consulted before she is transported out of the facility for medical reasons. Yes, more work for me. However, as a result, I know that I've saved her from over medication and several rides in the ambulance to the emergency room. For me, it is peace of mind that I'm doing my best for her.
So, moving your parents to an ALS near you, allows you to choose how involved you want to be. That is a big plus for them (because they will always have assistance near by) as well as you (because you know they will always be in capable hands).
You are doing the right thing.
P.S. Just because the facility has the reputation of being top notch, doesn't mean that every detail is top notch. Listen to your parent's stories and complaints. Take action if needed. Keep an open mind.
If I had it to do all over again, I'd do it the exact same way, if that's any consolation to you. While AL/MC is not perfect, it offers elders on site care management, doctors, nurses, medication management, 3 hot meals a day, activities, crafts, socialization, outings on the mini bus............so many amenities, it's impossible to list them all. But above all else, it offers your folks a safe environment and that's the most important feature of all.
Wishing you the best of luck.
ADVERTISEMENT
Post-pandemic, many AL communities are understaffed. Keep that in mind.
they may cry or yell,
they may tell you you’re a terrible person,
they may say they are being treated badly, the food is terrible, no one is nice to them,
and then over time, come to learn that there are lovely pleasant things happening where they are, and come to love where they are living.
Talk to staff about how to handle problems, make yourselves scarce for a few (or several) days to give them time to adjust, do NOT stick around if they act up, tell them you love them whether they listen or not.
For yourself repeat the mantra “……safety and comfort and structure and help…..” which is what they will receive as AL residents, and remember that decisions you have made WITH LOVE and CONCERN will always be on the right track.
Be at peace.
There comes a time where it now take a village to care for one's parent(s), Staff that is familiar with different issues and how to handle said issues. The facility probably has around the clock Nurse on site.
My own Dad moved into senior living and he was so relieved not to be dealing with maintaining his house, no more climbing ladders at 94. Dad, even though he wasn't a social butterfly, liked being around people of his own generation. The facility would have someone come in to play songs from that era which Dad really enjoyed. He also enjoyed the restaurant style menu meals and not having to wash the dishes afterwards :)
They'll have eyes on them, meals provided, all the same amenities as home with the added benefits of socializing with people their own ages and the choice to go on organized outings and other activities.
Naturally, the loss of home and their independence is something that they and all of the family will grieve, but consider also that this may come as a huge relief to them. It takes at least 3-5 months for adjustment to these changes so don't be worried about some initial drop in cognition as they adjust to a whole new way of living; they will adapt, it just takes time.
You can celebrate the holiday with them, by visiting and sharing a meal, whether food brought from home, a delivered holiday meal with all the trimmings, or by bringing dessert to share with them after the main meal of the day.
Help them set up the apt. with their chosen items and make it feel familiar and homey for them. Their best-of Christmas or other Holiday observance decorations will help to make the place feel more like home for them and everyone else.
My folks were reaching the point where they needed help, Dad was caring for Mom in her increasing dependence and we had planned to place my house on the market and move to their locale to help them. We lost Dad to Covid and the script got flipped and now Mom is in a MC unit. Once I arranged for the sale of their home contents, sans bequests and a few chosen items, I saw the extent to which Dad had been downsizing their possessions and I know it was mainly an effort to simplify their daily life and also his effort to make my eventual job easier. Tools sold, closets cleared, excess items donated, etc.
I think that your parents will find a sense of relief once adjusted to the AL facility because life will so very much easier for them. You are doing the very best thing for them and allowing for the period required to adjust, I think you'll see their overall wellbeing lifted as they dig into this next phase of their life together.
Best -