Newmilton Asked December 2022

How should I respond to the hoarding?

My mom (78) and Dad (83) live nearby and my mom has become a hoarder. They live in their home which is paid for and I provide assistance with driving them to appointments and some general help with things they can't physically do themselves. Dad can barely walk due to strokes, can't see due to macular degeneration and has moderate dementia. Mom is his caretaker and adamantly refuses to hire any kind of help.

As dad has gotten sicker, mom's hoarding has gotten worse. The house is so full of stuff she drags home from all over that I can't get into most rooms. She gets donations from foodbanks and the kitchen is so full of rotting food that I can't stand to even look inside.

I go by a few times a week to help with things and at first I would kindly suggest that I could help with cleaning. Mom would keep pushing me off saying she doesn't have time. When I tried to clean one time on my own she accused me of throwing her stuff away. When it got really bad I started to get very upset every time I came to the house and saw how they were living and it would end in mom throwing a tantrum about how she has to "care for a sick old man" so she can't do anything else. Dad gets upset when he hears us arguing but he seems pretty oblivious to the conditions he lives in.

I know that caring for dad is hard, but I think the hoarding has become some kind of psychological crutch for mom. If anyone saw the conditions they live in, social services would be called. I am at a loss. For now, I have chosen to ignore the hoarding and do what I can to keep them safe and in order to preserve our relationship since I don't know how many years they have left.

But it is eating me up inside seeing them live like this. What would you do?

Thanks for listening :-)

42 Answers

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Annonymously APS (Adult Protective Services) and tell them that there are two vulnerable elders living in a filthy, unsafe hoarded home. Also contact the local police where your parents live and ask them to do wellness checks. They will see the conditions and then the state will force services and outside help on them, or they both get placed against their will for their own safety.
I always say nothing gets an elder a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.

Helpful Answer (16)

Rotting food that they could possibly eat? This must stop immediately. They’re both mentally ill and need to be removed from that house. Start there. As far as preserving the relationship, the relationship you once had is gone. You’re their protector now and that is your priority.

Helpful Answer (15)

I'm sure this will be really hard for you to do but I agree that you need to call APS and get them the help they really need. This is unsafe and disgusting. There is no way your mom can be providing appropriate care to your dad. I would pretend to be ignorant about why APS is coming to the house. Take a deep breath and make the call to help your parents be safe.

Helpful Answer (14)

I have a sibling who’s a hoarder. Trust me, it won’t get better. Please look out for your dad and report the situation to APS, he deserves a safe environment

Helpful Answer (13)

I just googled what I could from our Human Services Dept (I'm not US) out of curiousity. A rating for hoarding (clutter) & squalor (living standards) is reported. Referrals are made to different services as required. Followup visits & reports made.

A flowchart provides which other services will be involved after the initial contact.

Eg child/elder/animal neglect/abuse to relevant child/elder/animal Welfare Depts. Vermin/pests to Health Dept. Lack of pathways & hoarding of flammable materials to Fire Dept - smoke alarms can be mandated.

Mental health concerns can be escalated to Psychiatric Triage.

I believe Psychiatric triage covers a wide range, mental illness but also including any apparent lack of reasoning.

This is where undiagnosed cognitive decline, dementia would fall.

The OP's Dad has dx dementia. There would need to be some assessment of her Mom's abilities to declide the next steps.

It may be plain overwhelm. With some help to decide differently, Mom could accept help & stay in her home - with more home services/cleaning/personal care help for Dad. Or be assessed for & treated for depression. Or of she has some cog decline, this be assessed fully.

However, the alternative is to skip all that. Skip this step.

Just wait until an actual crises happens to force change. This is a valid choice. But it may have serious, or even life threatening consequences.

Helpful Answer (10)

Thanks Beatty, I have been considering the ramifications of both options, reporting to APS or not. If I did report it to APS and my mom found out that would be the end of any kind of trust she has for me. My mom is pretty aware of things and intuitive despite the hoarding and she would likely figure it out.

Dad would choose to stay in his home no matter what the conditions are. Mom would refuse any kind of help and wouldn’t participate in any kind of counseling.

So I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place and completely guilt ridden. The neighbors probably wonder why I don’t do more to help them. My only sibling has retreated to another state, rarely visits and takes no accountability for anything so I am feeling like this is all on my shoulders to deal with.

(6)

Hello Newmilton, first off my heart goes out to you. I leaned on this forum a lot when I needed the help but have rarely replied since, maybe because it brings back bad memories of what I went through. Your situation sounds a lot like mine previously and I wanted to help. In a nutshell, what helped me most is hiring a geriatric care manager. Start at this link. https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/what-geriatric-care-manager

The person I hired probably saved my own life by helping to share the stress. I didn’t realize this at the time but I needed the support (mentally more than anything) to get through the tough decisions. My Mom is now in a nursing home with severe dementia. Not the the life I wanted for her as she aged but the key is that she is safe and always looked after.

I could share many more details so please feel free to reach out. I’m happy to help you the best I can. Tackling this alone is not the answer. You need a team (at least a teammate) and for me that was my geriatric care manager.

Good luck! It won’t be easy but you will get through this!

Helpful Answer (10)

Call Adult Protective Services immediately.

I would also call your local police non-emergency number for a wellness check on your dad.

Helpful Answer (9)

What about that poster Elaine whose mother was a hoarder and she tried everything to get her mom help and no one could do anything. Then her mother died in her hoarded house.

(4)

Hoarding is a mental illness and you should not expend any energy "helping" your Mom without the insights and guidance of a therapist who specializes in this disorder. You are correct that your Mom would not see the therapist, but you can.

If you do nothing, eventually one or both of them will either be taken out by ambulance and the other will shortly follow.

If you report them to APS, the county will probably dictate what happens (if they gain guardianship or your Mom gets written up for neglect or abuse of your Dad). Your Dad most likely would be removed to a Medicaid facility by the guardian. Not sure what will happen to your Mom but the township may insist she clean up her home or get a citation. It differs by state/county. She won't clean it up and neither should you.

None of the scenarios have a pleasant outcome. It's a matter of choosing a "least bad" option. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart as you work through this.

Helpful Answer (8)

A Geriatric Psychiatrist can evaluate your mom and put her on appropriate medications and, hopefully, refer her to a hoarding therapist: just Google,"Hoarding Therapist," to learn more.

Senior Services:
https://lacounty.gov/residents/seniors-older-adults/health-wellness/

Helpful Answer (8)