Dealing with father who won't help himself and is an addict with COPD and CHF. Any advice?

It's late here & Xmas stress is getting to me but I just wanted to write you this.

It IS possible to not pick someone up when they are discharged from hospital.

I have a friend that had to do this for an aging Father (with possible dementia). So different from addiction issues, but boundary making is similar. In that case the message was if you are independent, you can taxi home. If you can't do that - can't call a taxi, pay, open your front door, walk yourself in then you probably won't cope at home. So please follow your Doctor's advice to go to rehab/respite care instead.

In my case, when I said no..

It was due to mobility issues. I put my common sense hat firmly on. If you can't get in my car safely, then I am not your ride. I gave fair warning, to both my family & staff. Family surprised but actually accepted of my new 'rule'. Staff member was initially taken aback... But then just moved from plan A: family collect, to plan B: taxi. I believe the next plan may have been a derailed discharge - if patient not able to get home then why not? Are there mental health, cognitive, mobility, frailty issues? Back to the medical team or social worker for rehab/respite/alternative care planning.

He's a grown man. Let him arrange his own discharge like a grown man would.

"You live close. What if you didn't?" A councillor asked me that. We joked about if I was a long haul truck driver crossing the country instead. Would I be there running errands? Groceries? Laundry? Would I be the discharge plan?

What if you channelled your inner truck driver today? "Can I come get you from the hospital again? No. Sorry Dad, can't do. You'll have to make other arrangements this time."

I also visualise a trucker hat with NO on the front. That's my secret weapon.

Over & out for now.

Stop dealing with him, you're not gonna change him. Leave him to his self-imposed fate. If that means he dies coughing and alone in a filthy house, so be it. Stupidity should not be rewarded. Stop going over there, and ignore phone calls, unless you call him.

You said in a comment below that discharge "forces" you to get him. No, they don't, it's your decision, and it sounds like a poor one. Let them deal with him and cut this toxic person out of your life permanently.

Link to Merry Go Round named denial.

https://www.google.com/url?q=https://www.drugfam.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/A-Merry-Go-Round-Named-Denial-2021.pdf&sa=U&ved=2ahUKEwimoe7Y54n8AhVElWoFHRY9AhcQFnoECAkQAg&usg=AOvVaw15XAec00-5pa8ZHiQcRBI0

It sounds like your father has been running your life. Thirty years is too long to deal with this. There was a brochure in Al-Anon called; A Merry-Go-Round named Denial. I'm not even sure if this is still in print, but it would describe the players in the alcoholic situation and how they were running around in circles. It described the players in the alcoholic situation and their roles in that mess. You mentioned a mental break. Did you get help for it? It is time to take care of yourself. Take it from a long time Al-Anon member. Draw some boundaries with your dad. You must protect yourself and your health.

We are considered ACOA's or Adult Children of Alcoholics. Read the literature. Your response is typical of someone who grew up with alcoholism. We get caught up in a FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt). Also practice the three C's of Al-Anon. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

There is no way to get through to an alcoholic who wants alcohol. As you have been proving to yourself for thirty years.

Get a new phone, DO NOT let your father (or anyone e.g. nursing staff who might inadvertently pass it on) get hold of the new number, and keep your current one on for restricted hours only. Nothing bad will happen to him or to anyone else as a result of your doing this.

Let's be blunt. It makes no difference to your father if you run his errands all day long, don't turn up at all, set fire to yourself outside his window, or stand at his bedside and scream abuse at him. Nothing you can do or have ever done will register with him compared to his addiction. I am very sorry, for you and for all the many thousands of people like you who won't give up on people they love - but that doesn't make it any less true that you're wasting your time. So please, carry on building those boundaries.

6th hospital in 1 year and 7-10 days each time. How does he get discharged? Does he tell Discharge that you will be caring for him when he gets home? Do u have Financial and Medical POA?

The next time Dad ends up in the Hospital, you refuse to be at his beck and call. You also tell the Social Worker that you will not be picking him up nor will you be there with him 24/7, you are not his Caregiver. So if he needs 24/7 care, there is no one in his home who can care for him. This is a "unsafe" discharge. If its felt he needs 24/7 care then they have to find a place for him. You can refuse to be involved in this and allow the State to take over his care. This can happen if he goes to Rehab. You refuse to pick him up and your refuse to care for him. Don't let them say there is help out there for him, once you walk him out the door, it will be your responsibility to get this help. You will only be pointed into the right direction.

I would assume that your Dads problem with hospitalization, is he goes into withdrawal. Once u married your husband became #1. You need to set boundries because Dad will always try to cross him. Block his calls. If someone can get his booze and ciggs for him, he can get someone to pick up groceries or have them delivered. He could hire someone to clean and do laundry. He probably should be in an AL or LTC.

Again, if he goes into a hospital and the Hospital calls you say your sorry but you can no longer be involved with him. That they are not to call you to pick him up, because it won't happen. Make them aware that there is no one in the house who can care for him. That you work and live an hour away, so can not come when he or them expect you to. If they feel he can be released on his own, they will need to call a taxi or he calls the friend who supplies him with his alcohol.

Good Luck and update us.

You asked: Has anyone else in a similar situation found a way to get through to their parent in a situation like this?

Friend you will never successfully change another person. We can make suggestions of behavior change you'd enjoy seeing but that only works if the person is interested in making that change. Addicts don't ever successfully face their addictions until they want to, and collateral damage be damned.

I have good news though, which is that you can change your response to his behavior. For example the barrage of phone calls can be put on silent and addressed once a day, once a week, or whatever frequency suits your life. At that time he's in the actual hospital for goodness sakes. He is in zero danger and receiving every care he could possibly need. Wants, not needs, which is an important difference.

Regarding his discharge if he's able to get people to bring him beer and cigarettes he's able to ask those people for a ride. Depending on where he is he can call a cab or use Uber. He can hit the hospital cafe and have a coffee and lunch until you have time to get him!

I feel for both you and your husband, regarding the leaving you threat. That's pretty aggressive but he's communicating what he needs, which is for you to stop destroying yourself for no reason.

Look into Alanon and the concept of boundaries. Remember a boundary is something you do, not a tool to get anyone else to do what you want. For example a boundary around phone calls means you answer, respond, etc when it suits you. It doesn't make dad stop calling at all hours. Best of luck this is all hard stuff, but worth it!

Sounds like a rough situation. When he is in the hospital, do not take his calls while you are working. Ignore them and do not engage and try your best not to get pissed off about it. You don't need more stress! The nurses can call you if there's an actual issue that you really need to deal with. I would think that he should be discharged to rehab. With that many hospitalizations for such long periods, it sounds like he's in pretty rough shape. Is he currently in the hospital? If so, let the staff know (social worker, I think?) that you can no longer support him like you have been.

So sorry that you had a breakdown and I'm glad that you are learning to put you and your husband first. Your dad's addictions are totally prohibiting him from taking care of himself. He's just going to get worse and worse. Don't let him take you down with him.

You do not need to go back and forth to buy him groceries and do his laundry. He can hire someone local to do this for him. Or hire an aide once a week to do these things for him. YOU do not have special powers that make you the only choice to do these mundane chores.

His charm has allowed him to manipulate you all your life. You won’t be able to get through to him because he’ll become angry if you don’t respond the way you always have. Alcoholism is complicated, and alcoholics are sly and crafty in order to get the most important thing in their life, which is booze. Alcohol is first in his life, you’re second or third or fourth. Stop being manipulated and your life will improve. He is who he is and he won’t change. Consider him the wake-up call not to have anything to do with alcoholics ever again.

Have you ever tried saying "I can't possibly do that"?

Your father obviously has ways of getting need for smokes and booze met. Let him deploy those resources while he's in the hospital, including discharge.

Next time he is hospitalized, don't show up.

Call discharge planning on day 1 and say " I am stepping away from enabling my father's charade of independence ".

They will quickly find him placement.

Alcoholics abuse and manipulate all around them. The only way to even try to deal with it is to detach. Stop doing anything for him. Join Alanon, attend meetings get a sponsor and stand your ground.

STOP catering to your dad!