Drowning in guilt. Any advice?

Bless your heart. I am no expert but can tell you that my now 81 year-old mother pretty much did the same thing. When she was 77 she married a man she went to school with her entire life. She wanted comfort and companionship. He was not close to any of his family so he had nobody to care for him. He moved in my mothers home and a few months after they were married he found out he had leukemia. (I have a feeling he knew he was sick and needed someone to take care of him.) One year after they were married he had to go into a nursing home and my mother went to see him daily until he died about 6 months later. He owned his own company and left a huge mess (financial, lies, deception) for my mother to attempt to clean up of which she knew nothing about this. The family feels she had a nervous breakdown from the stress and is now facing a nursing home herself. Not long after his passing she was diagnosed with vascular dementia.
My point is, YOUR health and happiness should be the most important thing going on right now. Stress, anger, resentment and guilt can really weigh heavy on you and take a toll on your health. It is NOT worth it. You said you had long term health . . . use it! There are awesome facilities out there for him and can give him a really good life . . . and save yours.
Best of luck to you.

Yes, your past decisions have put you in this predicament (to say it mildly). Is it guilt? Is it grief? Is it regret? What does it matter? You’re experiencing self destroying emotions over bad decisions of the past. The question is “What do you do about it?”.

I don’t think you want to “man up” by accepting the responsibility and punishment for your bad decisions. (I do applaud you, though, for what you have already done; educating yourself, keeping appts., trying to maintain a safe and peaceful home, attending therapy sessions and especially being an effective care giver). However, you may have to “man up” by honestly confronting your husband both about your relationship, and about how caring for him is affecting you. It’s great how you’re caring for him, but who’s caring for you?? You don’t have to place blame, just be factual. (By the way, how does he feel about your relationship? How long have you been married?). You can still feel a sense of responsibility without feeling obligated to care for your husband at the expense of your own health and mental stability. That will only result in resentment. And your lack of sleep doesn’t help. Being responsible would be to continue to care for him, not at home but at a care facility. Once that's done you can explore your relationship options. I’m sure you’re aware that neither his Parkinson’s nor his dementia will improve. I know your feelings of anger and being “stuck” are because of “all the wrong reasons” for your marriage (you admit, and I can sense that you’re a good caregiver) but separating yourself from the situation could help both your feelings and his future care.

We are all a product of our decisions in life. Whether good or bad, they can’t be undone. But the bad ones shouldn’t consume us. So accept your feelings, accept the regret for bad decisions, forgive yourself for your mistakes and have a heart to heart with your husband. I like what BeDolly posted. I, too, had to make the decision to place my wife in a care facility. Difficult? Yes! But an enormous relief!

P.S. I’m sorry you were dismissed from that, I assume dementia or Parkinson’s, support group. Many of your feelings are because of your marriage issues, yes, but he/she should have supported you in your caregiving issues.

If you have no love for your husband and can't even call him your "loved one", then you should speak to a divorce atty immediately to explore your options. Dementia and PD are going to get a lot worse with time, and require compassionate care and understanding by a loved one who's committed to providing it. Not a boiling inside angry, stuck wife who's drowning in guilt for marrying the man in the first place. Managed care offers your husband the best long term care option for a safe future, especially that he has the financial means to private pay.

Best of luck to you.

Guilt, the buzz word of the 21st century, a word that gets a lot of attention but serves no purpose.

Yes, you are "stuck" by your own emotions driven by guilt. Guilt is nothing but a fear based emotion.

He has money, there are many very nice homes that he can be placed in, make new senior friends, enjoy activities and continue to live a full life. They all want to stay put that is what most all babble about because they are thinking about what they were told 50 years ago, they have no concept of today.
Assited living is enough, lot's to do.

Why don't you take the time to tour several and actually see what goes on instead of assuming what is or not is enough.


Might be time to move up to the 21st century, for both you and him.

Good Luck!

This is probably about marriage rather than caregiving, but they are often difficult to separate. You say that you married for “wrong reasons". Many women for many many centuries have had almost no choice about who they married, and “companionship and physical and financial security” were pretty good reasons. With luck, they made the ‘love’ after the marriage. My guess would be that more people have eventually decided that sexual attraction (ie ‘being in love’) was a much worse “wrong reason”.

You don’t say what’s caused the “disappointment, anger and sadness”. My guess is that perhaps he has always been older and boring, and you often disagree (easy enough to do in the US for the last few years). You had higher hopes. You don’t say why you feel guilty. My guess is that perhaps you were criticised for ‘marrying for money’, and you suspect it was true. However many women (including me) can say that they married for love, and the love didn’t last – and some of them feel guilty too, especially if they wish they had made a different choice.

My suggestion would be to focus on your own life, continue to do the best you can for your husband (including spending money on carers), and forget about the guilt. Check out respite care, so that you can go away for a holiday on your own occasionally. Be grateful for your “satisfying life and willing caregivers”. Re-label them ‘angels’, not ‘babysitters’, when you talk to your husband, and make sure that they give you time for yourself and your sanity.

Your husband doesn’t want to go to a facility, and you are giving him his best life at present. There is no reason for “guilt for not doing enough”. Many of our posters would love to “get out of this”. His condition will get worse progressively, and sometimes that makes it easier (and less annoying) for the carer to cope with. If you really can’t cope, please check out the divorce or separation details legally, and think very carefully about whether the problems of a future life would be better or worse than this one. Best wishes, Margaret

You’re no good to your husband without being good to yourself. The reasons you married don’t matter now, don’t beat yourself up over past decisions, they can’t be changed. What you can change is the now. No more guilt, you haven’t purposefully done wrong. You’re sad that it’s not different or better. Time to decide how you want to change it. Is it better for you both to separate physically or just emotionally? Fully look into your options, keeping in mind the good of you both. I wish you peace and clarity in figuring this out

My favorite suggestion when I see the word "guilt" is that you try to use another word. Seems trite, but the fact is that the words we say to ourselves are important. Almost always the proper word when we read Forum is the "other" g-word, which is grief. What you are feeling is grief, for him, for yourself, for the fact that things you hoped for have not worked out, for the fear that you now do not know day to day what is coming.
You are not a felon. You didn't cause this and you can't cure it. You didn't purposely set out to hurt someone with malice aforethought. You are left now with tough decisions, and there is no way to make this "right". Not everything can be fixed. Some things have solutions that leave one with lasting pain and grief and tears. But that has nothing to do with guilt. It all has to do with grief.
I wish you the very best. You have hard decisions ahead. The hard fact is that this is not the man you married. Marriage is a contract, in fact. When one person does all the giving and the other all the getting it is not a fair ending.
Again, I hope for the very best. Accept the grief. Leave the guilt to those who have reason (their evil ways) to feel it.

RevaJane, glad that you found us!

Even marriages that are founded in lots of love and commitment founder when serious illness, especially those accompanied by cognitive changes occur.

Guilt is a useless, self-imposed emotion. It's not helpful.

You are GRIEVING decisions, events and outcomes.

I also have a very passive husband. I do ALOT of stuff without him.

If you really want to leave, you should consult a divorce lawyer. A consult could be a good thing, because it will tell you what the financial "hit" will be. It's a good solid piece of information to know so that you can plan without wondering.

You can help him hire a geriatric care manager who can arrange his care. Would that suit you?