My MIL is toxic and I had to sever all ties with her. DH has to visit her alone, which he HATES. He was planning to see her on Christmas Day, and the family was all gone by 5, he most assuredly could have gone by then--every day since, he has stated that he is going to visit his mom. I KNOW he won't make it a priority, and doubt he will actually even get there during the Christmas break.
The main reason for not wanting to be with her is that she can be moderately pleasant to him for about 1/2 hr and then the meanness creeps in. He doesn't pick up on the cues leading up to her meltdowns. No matter how bad it gets, he will not leave her 'angry' when the best course of action would be to leave at the first signs of mis-behavior.
My mom has passed, and I had to do this with her. When/if she got negative and mean about someone or something, I would tell her "I'll come back another day when you feel better." And I would leave.
It only took 60 years for me to figure out I could not have a warm, close relationship with mom, or MIL. ALWAYS thought it was me. It wasn't.
It's not YOU causing your mom to be belligerent and mean. Maybe you are a trigger, but that's not your fault.
I agree that a calming med can make for a much better visit.
Last time you posted your "Going Insane" question, you received 64 excellent suggestions for ways to cope. Have you read those responses?
You can place your mother in a Memory Care Assisted Living residence whereby others are paid to deal with that sort of behavior, and you are off the hook. There comes a time when dementia behaviors become too much for any one person to bear alone at home, and placement becomes the only sane option. If there are no funds to private pay, then you apply for Medicaid to fund their care in a Skilled Nursing Facility.
You can also ask her PCP for meds to calm down her agitation (which is evident from constant rude, mean and nasty insults she's hurling at you).
3 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
My MIL is toxic and I had to sever all ties with her. DH has to visit her alone, which he HATES. He was planning to see her on Christmas Day, and the family was all gone by 5, he most assuredly could have gone by then--every day since, he has stated that he is going to visit his mom. I KNOW he won't make it a priority, and doubt he will actually even get there during the Christmas break.
The main reason for not wanting to be with her is that she can be moderately pleasant to him for about 1/2 hr and then the meanness creeps in. He doesn't pick up on the cues leading up to her meltdowns. No matter how bad it gets, he will not leave her 'angry' when the best course of action would be to leave at the first signs of mis-behavior.
My mom has passed, and I had to do this with her. When/if she got negative and mean about someone or something, I would tell her "I'll come back another day when you feel better." And I would leave.
It only took 60 years for me to figure out I could not have a warm, close relationship with mom, or MIL. ALWAYS thought it was me. It wasn't.
It's not YOU causing your mom to be belligerent and mean. Maybe you are a trigger, but that's not your fault.
I agree that a calming med can make for a much better visit.
You can place your mother in a Memory Care Assisted Living residence whereby others are paid to deal with that sort of behavior, and you are off the hook. There comes a time when dementia behaviors become too much for any one person to bear alone at home, and placement becomes the only sane option. If there are no funds to private pay, then you apply for Medicaid to fund their care in a Skilled Nursing Facility.
You can also ask her PCP for meds to calm down her agitation (which is evident from constant rude, mean and nasty insults she's hurling at you).
Best of luck.
ADVERTISEMENT