My husband is annoyed with my dad's long-term illness and my mom's insanity. And he seems burned out comforting me. Normal?

Hmm. This is going to sound mean, Peanut. But my sympathies are with your husband.

You have mentally ill parents. You have, until recently, allowed them to call the shots and sabatoge your attempts to get them care.

You apparently continue to step in to foster their addled idea that they are independent rather than calling in the authorities who might place them. You fear your mother's anger and disapproval.

If my spouse was running around trying to patch up his parents' house of cards and not attending to home, hearth and children, I'd be feeling mighty sarcastic myself.

Just something for you to consider. Please remember that in life, your FIRST responsibility is to your minor child. And your spouse.

Your parents had a lifetime to plan for their old age. The fact that they are in this mess should not be balanced on your young family's back.

Peanut, you were sarcastic yourself. Telling him to call your dad and tell him to hurry up and die, well, that's really harsh. It totally ignored what he was trying to say. What exactly would you expect his response to be?

You both sound like you have compassion fatigue. This situation has been going on for years, that adds up to a big weight. Cut him some slack and deal with it. I don't think men behave like women, my man shows his sorry by letting things go. Women need words and we won't always get them, we need to acknowledge how the hubby copes, deals and shows sorry. Stop expecting him to accept you withdrawing from him and your child, all because you are choosing to prop your parents up and it is tough. This effects everyone and you all need understanding, comfort and to feel like you matter. Give him what you expect from him.

I want to say, the second hardest thing I ever did for my parents was calling APS. I cried, was angry and hated myself for snitching. The first hardest was putting my dad in a facility. Both things were what was best for everyone but, they tore my heart out, mostly because my parents were no longer capable of handling their own lives and that is so very sad to deal with.

If you need comfort, find a good therapist and stop asking your husband to be your everything, it isn't fair, not just for him but, any spouse in this situation. We can expect and put to much on our loved ones, as your parents are doing to you and by proxy your husband and child, then you are putting more on him, just something to think about.

Put the shoe on the other foot. How might you be feeling if this were his dad with a long term PD illness and mom with insanity and being a real pain in the butt, likely with BPD and likely dementia going on, living alone at home and relying on YOU to be their be-all-and-end-all in life? After enduring a particularly brutal week whereby your husband closed his bedroom door on you to watch TV, leaving you with a 9 year old to contend with? Would you consider it normal to feel irritated and fed up with the entire ongoing scenario or just expected to carry on as usual, with a broad smile on your face and singing a happy song?

Your husband is entitled to his frustration with this entire situation which sounds outrageously unmanageable, just as you'd likely be if the shoe were on the other foot.

I had a bad situation going on with MY folks for 10+ years and I felt horrible for my husband who was forced to endure my wretched moods for the entire time. He did more moving/hauling/helping/dealing with MY parents on my behalf than he'd ever done for his own parents. And once in a while he got fed up with me, with them, with the whole miserable situation, which I understood 100%. What surprised me was that he didn't get fed up MORE OFTEN than he did. He'd make some snarky comments to me from time to time, which I'd allow to roll off my back, b/c I was between a rock and hard place MYSELF with the sh*t show going on, frankly. As an only child, there was nobody else to manage my parents lives but ME. And that meant DH too. We were in charge of the whole shooting match, which meant STRESS for both of us on an ongoing basis until they both passed away.

Yes, you are supposed to accept the sarcasm and chalk it off to HIS frustration with a difficult situation. Do you appreciate it? No, of course not. But you should understand it for what it is. Both of you trying to cope with the madness at hand in the best way you can, which is not always the 'best' way you CAN. You'll have bad moments which you'll need to forgive one another for, in my experience and opinion. B/c that's what love does. Don't hold it against him, if possible, but know that he's tired of the whole scene, as my DH was with my folks. God bless him for sticking it out with me throughout the entire ordeal, and making it to the other side intact though. That's what I'm grateful for.

I hope you can get past your DHs bit of unnecessary sarcasm yesterday, and chalk it off to a bad moment. It's actually good (IMO) that he acted like nothing happened today b/c what's the point in prolonging the fight? That just adds insult to injury which you DO NOT NEED b/c you already have enough on your heavy plate to deal with. Let him know your feelings were hurt if you want to, and if you think it'll do any good for next time. If you think an apology is in order, ask for one (which I do with my DH when I deem it appropriate). Whatever it takes to get past this, do it. That's my advice. And THANK him for his ongoing support of you and your parents, #1.

Best of luck with all you have going on.

Peanut, for many years, I worked as a psychologist, assessing preschool age children having difficulties with language, behavior, learning. Their parents were always outraged when they called for an appointment with my team that we weren't available to see their child the next day, or sooner.

The social worker on our team used to think of this as a sense of entitlement on the part of the parents, but my take was different.

There parents had first denied there was a problem, seen some "good" days, chalked behavior up to a cold or something happening at home. By the time they agreed that the child needed formal assessment, it was an emergency. But we still generally had a month-long lag time in scheduling appointments.

The same will be true of APS. Waiting one more day just brings you one day closer to a long holiday weekend.

I would not wait one more minute to start this conversation.

Peanut, in response to "one more day". APS won't show up today, maybe not even this week. Maybe, having them come in without a caregiver is best, as long as you, nor your sister go prop everything up. Tell APS it is an emergency, that should get them there sooner.

If your sister wants them to stay home and pretend they are independent, fully functional adults, then she needs to handle everything and stop putting it on you. One more day is wishful, unrealistic thinking in this situation.

You can say that they are making their choices and you will respect that, however, you get to make choices too and they need to respect them. Even if that means everyone is mad at you. Let them be mad.

I have a saying, Failure to plan on your part does NOT constitute an emergency on mine! Makes people mad, oh well, I don't think crisis management living, especially because you refuse to face reality, obligates me to run to your rescue and prop up your charade of independence. This is what your parents and sister want you to do, regardless that it is sucking your life force. No, not okay.

Heads up, your sister will probably throw you under the bus when everyone is crying about APS intervening. So, maybe keep your actions close to your chest, less ammo that way.

I am glad that you and your husband have made up. It is super stressful for all of you but, the light is on at the end of the tunnel. :-)

Why oh why must these parents continue to live at home? I'm so sorry; it seems there's a solution but you still don't want to move them to a care facility? Anyone with "immense health needs" that disrupts everyone else's lives should find a new plan more fitting to their conditions. They aren't capable to lining that up, but you are, right? Maybe your husband would be willing to help make other arrangements for them if he sees the light at the end of this godawful tunnel that your parents have dragged all of you into.

Here is another recent post you made:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/both-of-my-parents-have-covid-my-mom-has-been-hacking-for-weeks-but-refused-to-get-a-test-until-i-fo-478802.htm

Your marriage and child are the prioirity, not your parents. Their neediness will only get worse. You may want to consider sitting down with your husband today, and acknowledging that what's going on right now is bad and unsustainable. Ask him for input on what he would do differently, then be willing to do some or all of it. Imagine how it is for him: he can't really complain since this makes him the bad guy who is against his wife taking care of her aging parents - what a jerk! Right? To this point he has tolerated it. He can no longer do it honestly, forget "comforting" you. Who is comforting him? You are not a "bad guy", either, unless you ignore all the advice that will come your way here about helping your parents to transition into a facility where they will get the care and attention they need, and not all from you. You married a passive/aggresive man (so did I so I get it) and now you think he magically should turn into someone else. It's not going to happen so it's you that needs to step back and look at this situation from a different angle. Be flexible. Give him a voice in the solution. Then do what it takes to extricate yourself in order to save your marriage and protect your child or you will burn out. Please take care of yourself and protect your family. It won't be the end of the world for your parents to get different care. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart on this journey.

Peanut,

I completely understand how it feels to care for a parent who has Parkinson’s disease. My mom had it along with dementia.

It is devastating to watch a parent decline. She lived with us for 14 years.

I was confused and lost. I was completely exhausted. I sought therapy and learned a lot about myself and other people’s behavior.

Mom died at 95 in a hospice care home.

My husband is extremely supportive. I love him dearly. He has always been my rock.

We as daughters may feel ‘caught in the middle’ of it all. Guess what? Sometimes, we are so close to the situation that we can’t see the entire picture. We become blind!

My loving husband became frustrated with our situation and he had every right to be. Do you know what he said to me one day? “Honey, your mom is upset even when you do everything that she wants done. So, why are you continuing to do it?” He was right! I was glad that he spoke up and told me the truth that I needed to hear.

Don’t listen to any outsiders either. They aren’t walking in your shoes. Siblings, other relatives or friends may try to influence you by saying that things aren’t so bad when they are. As long as you are dealing with the situation, no one else has to deal with it. Please do what you feel is best for you, not what others think may be best.

I sincerely hope that you will step back, take a closer look at the whole picture and make the best choice for you and your husband. The rest will fall into place. You have paid your dues. Stop holding on. Be strong by letting go of what you can’t control.

Wishing you peace as you continue on this difficult path.

With compassion that others also have shown, honey, it’s time. If you’ve been married for 20 years I’d say he loves you. And it sounds like he’s lonely and is calling you on it (TV). He may be a little snarky but he’s trying NOT to be mean. You’re not putting your family first. You have been living for your parents & you need to reset your priorities WITH your husband. Couples counseling will help you through this transition because it sounds like you’re possibly losing each other. Don’t do that. would you really rather be alone with your parents over being with them? Of course not. You’re burned out for sure, so why keep beating your head against the wall and say it’s ok? It’s not. You’re hurting and so is your family. YOU ARE NOT STUCK…it’s just a choice. Start now dear, start NOW.

It IS hard to focus on your own life if your folks lives are featuring so large. Their needs eating up your energy, emotions & brain space. What's left for you?

What helps calm you?
Running (not me!)
A warm bath?
A long walk?
Music?

If you start today, make some time for you. Even 5 minutes! After that I'd take you out for a coffee if I could. Gently start with a few questions to ask yourself over the next week..

What level of *independence* do you think Mom & Dad have?

Managing their ADLs just fine? Or maybe need some help, shopping, appointments, bill paying? But can arrange the help they need, their own care/aides/assistance themselves? That's still independent.

If not, they have moved to *semi-dependant*. Needing a caregiver/home services & some help arranging these. Maybe more or less fine (when no Covid).

*Dependence* looks like being very reliant on others. On home services, aides, family. Unable to cope without this help.

Do your folks have denial about their situation?

If you left for a month holiday, would they cope or not?

Edit: I've read all the replies now & see things have risen to APS level.

Well sometimes that's what it takes! Outsiders to crack through that thick denial.

Thoughts of calm & strength to you today 😊💪