How can I be involved in my parents' care if I’m shut out at every attempt?

There's a good chance your sibling & SIL are just exaggerating your parents issues to make THEIR 'sacrifices' sound SO enormous. There's a good chance everything is perfectly fine with your folks in the ALF and there ARE no real issues to speak of, just the standard complaints of the elderly about aches & pains, the 'food sucks' in the ALF, and the rest of the usual nonsense that is NOT life threatening or overly urgent in any way. That's my call on this matter.

For your own peace of mind, take a trip down to see your folks so YOU can determine what's going on for YOURSELF. Then you can call BS on your sibling and SIL when they start in again with their exaggerated tirades. And, if there really IS an issue going on with the folks, you'll see it for yourself and be able to make an informed decision then and there.

Wishing you the best of luck seeing with your own two eyes what's REALLY going on with your folks.

Isthisreayreal is right. You should visit and see for yourself what your parents' situation looks like.
For all you know they could be fine and being very well cared for. It could just be a case of your SIL being a martyr who wants to complain. In her defense, it is not up to her to make sure your parents are happy, clean, and entertained. The person she should be complaining to is her husband (your brother) who controls the purse strings. He needs to take it up with the AL that gets paid to care for your parents.
Go visit though. Go and see for yourself what's going on. In a way you're lucky that you don't have POA and aren't responsible.

Have you gone to visit and see what the situation really looks like?

I would go and visit without any offer to help. Then you can see what the reality is and step in, if needed.

They could very well need a higher level of care and brother isn't seeing this because his wife has a martyr complex going on and is shielding him from what is needed, so she can sacrifice her life for them.

Obviously they don't want your help. However, you do need to put eyeballs on the situation to ensure your parents are getting the care they need. Take pictures, get parents to sign a HIPAA release for you, talk with their facility to find out what they think of how they are doing and decide what actions you need to take after your visit.

Best of luck. This is a hard situation.

You write them the occasional nice note or give them the occasional nice phone call or text saying:

"I am so sorry to hear about all of this. I trust you to make the right decisions. Let me know if there's something I can do to help."
Then you get on with your own life.
If you are unable to do this I would see a counselor to work out what might work best for you.

Next time SIL or sibling complain, tell them you have offered a solution but they refuse to take the offer. For personal reasons, you cannot/will not relocate.

The AL they are in should offer transportation. They should have outings where the residents are taken shopping and visit places. Call and see if they do.

How do you think you will be able to do for parents if you have health problems and a disability. And sibling holds the purse strings. Your Mom is 77 (you should take her name and birth date out of ur profile) thats not old. Her health issues will get worse as time goes on and she will need more care than an AL can give.

You made an offer, it was refused. I agree, if you can't move to where ur parents are, then ur going to need to let it go.

If your sibling has both POA's for your parents then there really is nothing you can do, but go and visit when you can and try and be a bright spot in their lives.
You can also call them frequently to cheer them up and text them(if they know how to text.) You can also send them a "care" package of some of their favorite food items and the like. You're going to have to figure out ways from afar to bring some joy to them and be grateful that in your condition that you don't have control over them. Because as the saying goes...be careful what you wish for.

You are expecting your parents to do something (move) that you are not willing (able?) to do yourself. Ignore the complaints and keep the ststus quo.

I'm sorry but i think your offer is ridiculous. You want your two aged probably disabled parents to get up, pack all their stuff, and move to accomodate you?because you don't feel comfortable listening to your sister's complaining and feeling guilty that you don't contribute more? WOW, wow is all i can say. You say you are disabled and can't move but number one: expect your disabled elderly parents to move? You do realize that moving is like in the top five things that are over the top stressful to people and you want to move two old people to another state? away from a town they probably are use to and know where everything is, their doctors, clinics, restraunts, parks, church? two; you are disabled.and have your own health problems?..how are you going to take care of two elderly disabled people? By visiting them in a home? A home isn't you taking care of them. It is paying someone to take care of them and believe me, what your sister is doing now for them, they wouldn't get even get close to the attention in a home. I wouldn't consider myself disabled if i could manage to take care of two elderly people even healthy ones but from the sound of it your dad has multiple hip issues and probably more to come being he is not getting any younger. Please stop. Just stop accept the guilt you are to far away to do any good or make a difference. Why not take a vacation and stay with your parents for a month or two and give your sister some assistance instead of coming up with things that just sound a bit crazy and unrealistic. You should be sending your sister any extra money you have for taking care of your parents and doing your share. Sorry i just say it how i read it.

Well, other than moving your parents closer to you, which could hinder your sibling/SIL ability to be POA she may be more comfortable being closer and having POA, rather than not be near them to see first hand.

How, exactly, do you want to help?

You mention you are disabled? Do you have any funds to hire help for your parents? That would be a help to everyone.

If you don’t have have funds to hire help, you and your sibling/SIL need to stop this game of control. Your SIL lives closer to your parents, and has accepted the job of primary caregiver. Sure, it’s not without complaints…it’s one of the hardest jobs around.

For you parents sake, find a way to help from afar. Find a way to help your sibling/SIL care for your parents that doesn’t involve a “tug of war” between you all. Getting more help to be hands on for them would be great. Hire someone to take them out or to appts.

Your SIL may be exhausted and while you think it’s an act of congress to get info, please realize that there are not enough hours in the day for caregivers. Getting extra help hired is the best move, and if you can’t afford that, then find a way that works for both you and your sibling.

Can you visit? Can you see for yourself after a couple of days what the sitch is. Maybe you can see a more concrete way to help. I’m not sure why you want to rock the boat at this point. I’m sure you mean well, but moving your parents isn’t an answer.

Do things from afar, call them, give words of encouragement. Hire some additional help…even if you can only afford once or twice, at least it shows you understand the need for help.

Keep us posted.

This may be a blessing in disguise. You say you have health issues, so that makes caregiving harder. You say the parents are depressed and want outings. Your solution is to move them near you but the parents may still have unrealistic expectations: We want to live with you. We aren’t happy in AL. We don’t like the food. We want to go (insert location).

Maybe it’s worth a visit to understand what’s really going on before saying your sibling and SIL who are doing the work that they aren’t doing the work to your expectations. Also, if the parents are cognitively alert, they can change the POA to you - so if they aren’t willing, that speaks volumes.