You can try redirecting him onto something he enjoys like ice-cream. Also if his car is still sitting in the driveway, perhaps it's best you sell it or give it to a family member so he doesn't have to look at it and it be a reminder. When my late husband could no longer drive, I had my son take his car and sell it for me, so my husband didn't have to see it when he looked out the window. And with all things dementia, this too shall pass.
I ALWAYS “throw” this to the AGENT who made the DECISION-
”Oh my gosh Honey, I wish there were something I could do to help you, but (Dr. Whoever-your therapist-the driving supervisor- WHOEVER TOLD YOU or your husband initially that he could NOT drive) said that driving was IMPOSSIBLE, at least for now”.
”Let’s wait and see if anything (Dr. Whoever etcetcetcetc) has changed the next time he sees you”.
It NEVER worked to try using facts or reasoning with LO, who would escalate very quickly if I did try.
Deferring and changing the subject didn’t always work, but did give both LO and me SOME relief sometimes.
”Now let’s see if (whatever you know your husband likes) is ready. We’ll talk about this later……”
You could agree with him. "I know, honey, it's so frustrating. I wish the doctors had come to a different decision. But what can we do that would make you feel happy right now?"
HI. My father-in-law who is 98 in two months time can't understand why he's not allowed to drive anymore. He was still driving 5 weeks ago. Following a breakdown mentally and very unsteady on his feet, the Consultant has told him he is not legally allowed to drive. Yet, my FIL keeps asking why not and gets very frustrated. The only way we are able to deal with this without us crazy or snapping at him is to calmly say you know you are not able to drive for yours and others safety. If he continues to protest we leave the room calmly. I think that due to his age related cognitive function decline, he will keep on asking to drive so we just have to stick to what we say and do. We have hidden the car keys. For your own sanity...walk away if you can until he drops ghe subject. We know how hard it is so good luck.
It sounds like your father-in-law did alright for himself--98 and still getting around.
Basically, when someone especially the men can longer drive, to them it's a loss of freedom. What you could do is say, don't worry wherever you need to get to, we will make sure you get there.
It's really about getting out and getting around especially if your FIL was out and about only five weeks ago. I had to take the keys off of my mother in a flash--basically pull the car over, give me your keys--end of story.
Mom was not minding the road, focusing more on the gas gauge and her distance was off (early stages of Lewy Body Dementia, only we didn't know it at that time--peripheral vision was off). Mom was/is on blood thinner which would be a nightmare if there were to be an accident.
But, my mother gets to all of her appointments. She is not trying to "find" people to give her a ride to the hairdressers, cardiologist, blood lab, etc. I, did, however, get my mother a Real ID which is a government issued identification card. This can also serve as a license.
My mother actually thinks she can still drive and tells people she has a license, but this is not the case. But I let her think so. My mother will not be returning to the road for everyone's safety but her needs are met.
My Alzheimer's-ridden mom, when she was about 88, could no longer drive safely, even though she thought she could. I called her doc's office and explained the situation, and when I took my mom for that appointment, the doc said that my mom probably shouldn't drive any more. When I said I can take her anywhere she wants to go, the doc said that my mom was lucky to have a daughter like me., but of course, my mom didn't see it that way. Evern with Alzheiemer's, she sensed that we were in "kahoots" with one another, but my mom's reaction time, road perception and decison making wasn't what it used to be. Luckily, "karma" (or as I call it, car-Ma) intervened, and the car stopped working. She insisted that we have it towed to a mechanic, and he told her, like another person who posted here, that it would be hundreds of dollars to fix, and even at that, since the car was older with other problems, (like my mom, I guess), that he couldn't guarantee the car's longevity, so she somewhat reluctantly decided to let me be her chauffeur, and we sold her car. I agree with others' suggestions, that bringing up other forms of transportation is a good tactic. You can say how it's relaxing to leave the driving to someone else.
Do you still have HIS car? If yes, have it towed away... say its broken, whatever. If he says to fix it or buy a new one tell him an ungodly price that you know he would never pay. Tell him the insurance is outrageous, and they need him to have an eye exam, physical anything. Also, if you can give him something he can be in control of, a fake bank account, a flower/plant something that he thinks only he can control. Alz is more of losing control and if he can control something he might be fine with it. Remember, Alz is not a set thing either you will need to try different things and its all finding that thing that works for them.
My uncle was in his early 90s when his vision problems became worse and he had to give up driving. He went to assisted living, where he was happy. He missed working in his home workshop, though. He had a yard man that he'd employed to work in his beautiful home garden and to check his house and do repairs there, so the yard man picked Uncle up at his assisted living almost every day and took him to his house where Uncle puttered around in his workshop for a while as the yard man worked there. Yard man also had a couple of other houses in the neighborhood where he did chores, so it worked out well.
Sometimes we have to be creative and think out of the box to figure out what's available for our LOs when they hit a brick wall. As it turned out, Uncle didn't miss driving as much as he missed his workshop. Once that was figured out, a solution was found.
When any form of (perceived or real) independence is lost, removed from a usual routine or is part of a person's life that they are losing, they will react from FEAR, ANGER, or any other emotion.
It is a difficult time for everyone concerned. I believe I read it is one of the top difficult situations a person loses - their ability to drive.
I suggest ACTIVE / REFLECTIVE LISTENING.
* Listen to their concerns and feelings. * Reflect back what they say * Just 'be' with them (I feel your pain . . . I hear you saying ...) * Let them know you understand how they feel 'without' setting up an argumentative dialogue (tricky). * Consider how (much) and when logic will help. Usually logic won't help, i.e., the DMV won't renew your license... the person is feeling a loss INSIDE and this is what needs to be addressed.
OTHER WAYS TO SUPPORT:
* Find other ways to manage the 'hole' in their life due to the inability to drive.
- are their people who will drive him/her? - Are there activities or things to do such as going for a walk (I know this won't cut it, but it is good to shift focus and get some exercise).
* Read Teepa Snow's website area on this issue. She has good suggestions on how to handle this difficult time.
Hopefully, with time, and perhaps needed medication, the person will calm down although due to losing independence, it is then a matter of dealing with DEPRESSION.
It is generally good to put our self in their position to FEEL what they feel (i.e., I know how you feel, I am sorry) vs telling them 'what to do' or 'placating' their feelings. This is a time to NOT dismiss how a person responds / expressed feelings, it IS a time to be there - in present time - with them / their pain and disappointment, and understand it is FEAR talking.
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When my late husband could no longer drive, I had my son take his car and sell it for me, so my husband didn't have to see it when he looked out the window.
And with all things dementia, this too shall pass.
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”Oh my gosh Honey, I wish there were something I could do to help you, but
(Dr. Whoever-your therapist-the driving supervisor- WHOEVER TOLD YOU or your husband initially that he could NOT drive) said that driving was IMPOSSIBLE, at least for now”.
”Let’s wait and see if anything (Dr. Whoever etcetcetcetc) has changed the next time he sees you”.
It NEVER worked to try using facts or reasoning with LO, who would escalate very quickly if I did try.
Deferring and changing the subject didn’t always work, but did give both LO and me SOME relief sometimes.
”Now let’s see if (whatever you know your husband likes) is ready. We’ll talk about this later……”
Reppeatrepeatrepeat as necessary.
Disabling the car or hiding the keys won’t help him adjust to its “loss”. If it’s actually GONE, there’s a 50/50chance that he’ll forget about it.
Redirection helps, I've found.
My father-in-law who is 98 in two months time can't understand why he's not allowed to drive anymore. He was still driving 5 weeks ago. Following a breakdown mentally and very unsteady on his feet, the Consultant has told him he is not legally allowed to drive.
Yet, my FIL keeps asking why not and gets very frustrated.
The only way we are able to deal with this without us crazy or snapping at him is to calmly say you know you are not able to drive for yours and others safety. If he continues to protest we leave the room calmly.
I think that due to his age related cognitive function decline, he will keep on asking to drive so we just have to stick to what we say and do.
We have hidden the car keys.
For your own sanity...walk away if you can until he drops ghe subject. We know how hard it is so good luck.
It sounds like your father-in-law did alright for himself--98 and still getting around.
Basically, when someone especially the men can longer drive, to them it's a loss of freedom. What you could do is say, don't worry wherever you need to get to, we will make sure you get there.
It's really about getting out and getting around especially if your FIL was out and about only five weeks ago. I had to take the keys off of my mother in a flash--basically pull the car over, give me your keys--end of story.
Mom was not minding the road, focusing more on the gas gauge and her distance was off (early stages of Lewy Body Dementia, only we didn't know it at that time--peripheral vision was off). Mom was/is on blood thinner which would be a nightmare if there were to be an accident.
But, my mother gets to all of her appointments. She is not trying to "find" people to give her a ride to the hairdressers, cardiologist, blood lab, etc. I, did, however, get my mother a Real ID which is a government issued identification card. This can also serve as a license.
My mother actually thinks she can still drive and tells people she has a license, but this is not the case. But I let her think so. My mother will not be returning to the road for everyone's safety but her needs are met.
Sometimes we have to be creative and think out of the box to figure out what's available for our LOs when they hit a brick wall. As it turned out, Uncle didn't miss driving as much as he missed his workshop. Once that was figured out, a solution was found.
It is a difficult time for everyone concerned.
I believe I read it is one of the top difficult situations a person loses - their ability to drive.
I suggest ACTIVE / REFLECTIVE LISTENING.
* Listen to their concerns and feelings.
* Reflect back what they say
* Just 'be' with them (I feel your pain . . . I hear you saying ...)
* Let them know you understand how they feel 'without' setting up an argumentative dialogue (tricky).
* Consider how (much) and when logic will help. Usually logic won't help, i.e., the DMV won't renew your license... the person is feeling a loss INSIDE and this is what needs to be addressed.
OTHER WAYS TO SUPPORT:
* Find other ways to manage the 'hole' in their life due to the inability to drive.
- are their people who will drive him/her?
- Are there activities or things to do such as going for a walk (I know this won't cut it, but it is good to shift focus and get some exercise).
* Read Teepa Snow's website area on this issue. She has good suggestions on how to handle this difficult time.
Hopefully, with time, and perhaps needed medication, the person will calm down although due to losing independence, it is then a matter of dealing with DEPRESSION.
It is generally good to put our self in their position to FEEL what they feel (i.e., I know how you feel, I am sorry) vs telling them 'what to do' or 'placating' their feelings. This is a time to NOT dismiss how a person responds / expressed feelings, it IS a time to be there - in present time - with them / their pain and disappointment, and understand it is FEAR talking.
Gena / Touch Matters
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