My mom has been sleeping past noon, is eating okay (not great) and is abnormally lethargic. How to manage the stress of leaving her alone?

It sounds like your Mom needs to be supervised all the time. She might not think she needs it, however, it sounds like you would have peace of mind if she was.

Don't beat yourself up about the missed opportunity. The potential caregiver might have been "good", however, unless you and your Mom actually experience her, you will not know if it is a good fit or not. A person who is a good fit for one person can be a bad fit for another. Fit isn't all about skill and personality. Especially with dementia, some nasty behaviors can appear and take everyone by surprise.

Don't think that the only time that you need a caregiver is when you are at school. Once you find someone whom you can rely on, utilize her services so that you can plan without interruption, do research, dream, relax, go to a restaurant that you've never been to before, take care of yourself by getting your eyes examined or get your physical or go to the dentist or....

...and while you are at it, make sure you have a backup caregiver. Give them some regular time so that they can stay up-to-date with what is going on and get used to your Mom and her schedule. That way, if the first caregiver has an emergency or is unable to appear, you have a backup available.

Have you talked to the doctor about the "abnormally lethargic"? Does your Mom seem more alert if you are around? Could she be depressed? Does she really need a caregiver or just need a companion? Maybe you could enroll her in senior day care instead of providing a daytime caregiver (for me, it was much less expensive for the daytime senior care than an at home caregiver). If you enrolled her in senior day care, she would have something different to experience each day and she would be in a "safe" place.

I enrolled my mother in senior day care when she was a fall risk (at that time, we didn't know she had dementia). The first one was a little too "old" for her, about 1/4 of the people had to be fed. The second one was just right as they had games and exercise, and contests, etc. The program director, who was retired and male and looked like he was in his 50s, chatted up all the ladies and they all got such a kick out of the attention he gave each of them. He'd even dance with them while the others watched. The plus to the day care besides the day to day activity is that you pay by the day or the week, not by the hour.

Just thoughts....

I hope that you are able to find a caregiver soon. Your mom is having hallucinations and is alone. You are trying to focus on school. Nothing is going to work out well in this scenario.

Is there someone else that you can call upon to help you plan for getting your mom the care that she needs? Perhaps a sibling or an aunt or uncle?

Tennischamp77: Since your mother suffers from dementia, she should not be alone at all. Do not chalk it up to 'winter weather.'

Check for UTI and ask her doctor to run blood work. There may be a medical reason for her lethargy and hallucinations.
You might also want to check into a stair lift for Mom to navigate the stairs. We put one in for our Mom years ago and it has been worth every penny!
Best wishes!

Find the caregiver and get it started. She should not be alone, especially when she is using stairs from one floor to another.

Any way to make a downstairs room a bedroom for her so that her movement is contained to only one floor?

Cameras on both floors will help to locate her in the house when she doesn't answer the phone. A definite install is in order even if you have someone coming in as hired help. Will ease your mind to know what's going on at any given time.

Start the search again for a caregiver. You will definitely need more help until she moves to assisted living or nursing home. Things will only decline and you will not be able to handle this alone. You are entitled to your own life.

In the meantime get some cameras installed to monitor her while you are gone. An alert can be set up for motion. We purchased ours from Amazon. Helps a great deal.

Make sure mom's primary diagnosed her correctly.

Your mother is only 53 with dementia? Sorry to learn about this! Yes, please have your mother seen by her doctor. Then it's time to get 24-hour supervised care, either at home or in a facility, a better option.

You need to get back on track with your own teaching career to earn money and care for your Own family for your upbeat life ahead of you.

I don’t think you ‘looked a gift horse in the mouth’ by turning down a carer when it wasn’t needed. Organising care is never easy. Tie a knot and move on.

Yes, you need to check for a UTI. Most of women expect the symptoms of pain that they give when you are young, but for the elderly the symptoms are quite different (and so are the causes!). Click on Care Topics at the top right of the screen, then U for UTI for more details.

If you aren’t willing to hire a carer for longer hours, you could check other posters’ good experience with in- home cameras that let you see the places that your mother could visit in the house, and make sure that she seems OK. There’s lots of information on the site. Click on the magnifying glass symbol at the top right of the screen, and then search for ‘camera monitoring’. Best wishes, Margaret

Your mother should not be alone at all with dementia to this degree, and hallucinations, falls, and all the rest of what you describe. Don't chalk a decline off to 'winter weather' because 'steps down' go along WITH dementia, as does 'confabulation' or making up stories to suit what the elder believes. My mother believed she was living in a nice hotel (it was a Memory Care AL) and that her 'girls' were moving her furniture and belongings to a new and different hotel every night after they took her to a fancy restaurant and club for entertainment. That was HER reality and not something I argued. She was at the advanced stage of dementia by the time she was confabulating to this degree, by the way.

I would insist your mother have a caregiver while you are gone during the day, b/c there are WAY too many things that can go wrong while she is alone with dementia. Having people lined up for 'an hour a couple of the weekdays' is not enough, I'm afraid, as anyone who's cared for an elder with dementia can tell you.

In your last post, you were given good advice to have your mother checked out for a stroke, a UTI, or other health events that could have taken place causing her exhaustion and new behaviors. That advice I will again suggest to you, and that you don't chalk things off to winter weather, which is a dangerous thing to do with an elder who's acting 'off'.

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet which has the best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

To reiterate: your mother is NOT exhibiting signs of 'mild dementia' at ALL and should be seen by her doctor right away.

Best of luck.

Ditto to take her to Urgent Care to get checked for a UTI. Also make sure she is getting enough fluids so she isn't dehydrated.

Tennischamp77, if your Mom is hallucinating it is time to have her checked for an Urinary Tract Infection. Such an infection can cause all types of different behaviors in an older person. Your Mom's primary doctor, or even urgent care, can run a test. An UTI can be treated with antibiotics.