I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope you have a support system locally that can help you with appointments, and care for both of you if you need to recooperate. Some drugs do not cause nausea...hopefully your type of cancer allows you to take those.
I would tell him, even if you need to tell him repeatedly.
@lizzyo... I do hope you have a GREAT support system. You needed one before you need one even more now. I have said 2 of the most difficult things to go when you are or become a caregiver is 1. ASK for help 2. ACCEPT help Please do both. Tell your medical team what you are dealing with at home. Your stress and your mental health effect you, often more than you realize. If there are "in person" support groups in your area join one. It might take a meeting or 2, or you might have to find another to get the "right fit". It is sorta like shoes they all seem good at the start but if the fit isn't right you just are not comfortable. And if your husband can participate look for an Adult Day Program in your area. He will get a break, you will and you both need that. If your husband is a Veteran contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission and see if he qualifies for any help from the VA. (If you are a Veteran same advice goes for you)
I think I would simply tell him at what seems an appropriate time and tell him it is treatable ( no details) so you will need some help and you might not be feeling well for a while. He very well may not remember but then you can say I’m going to the doctor…to get treatment…it’s the treatment making me sick or just I’m sick, remember I told you about this. This way his brain can consume what it can handle and even if he doesn’t remember the details (which may be a blessing) something about you needing treatments might sound familiar at least eventually.
We often wait to tell my mom about bigger things until they happen or right before because she gets anxious and worries which causes all kinds of problems and being able to see and talk to us helps that a lot. Your choices are a bit trickier since you live with him if he also has a tendency to get anxious. But I also feel strongly that there is a fine line between treating a challenged loved one like the adult they know they are and a child you hide things from is a very delicate one and presented well their brains will help take care of them which is why I try to let Mom lead the conversation to where she needs to go, sometimes that changing the subject and then coming back around to the one I have in mind later after her brain has done some processing. Let him be your husband as much as he is able and give him some time to do that.
My thoughts and as much strength as I can give are with you.
the best way would be to tell him just like you would if he did not have his diagnosis. BUT be prepared that he may not recall why you are Goin to the doctor all the time You are tired You may have to go into the hospital I think now would be a great time to look for a Caregiver...for BOTH of you. You will need help yourself and you will need help with him. And getting someone in now he may be more willing to accept that the help is for you. Now once you tell him it is time to make appointment for both of you to talk to an Elder Care Attorney. Set up all your paperwork. Who will be POA for YOU for HIM? What will happen to him if something happens to you and you are unable to make decisions for yourself or for him? ("Special Needs Trust" for both of you maybe?) Much of this greatly depends on the type of cancer you have been diagnosed with the stage and the potential outcome. 🙏for both of you.
Just tell him, especially if you're going to need treatment like chemo or radiation, b/c he's going to need to know. Plans need to be made regarding leaving him with caregivers while you are at the doctor's office, if you are his primary caregiver, and things of that nature, not to mention long term plans for his care as well as yours. If DH forgets that you have this diagnosis, you may need to tell him repeatedly if the need arises. You give no details about what treatment you will require, if any..........but if you do not need treatment, then you don't have to mention anything to your husband. It all depends on the situation you have going on.
My condolences on your diagnosis, and I hope it's something that's easily treated and curable.
Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate.
7 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
I would tell him, even if you need to tell him repeatedly.
Best wishes.
ADVERTISEMENT
I do hope you have a GREAT support system. You needed one before you need one even more now.
I have said 2 of the most difficult things to go when you are or become a caregiver is
1. ASK for help
2. ACCEPT help
Please do both.
Tell your medical team what you are dealing with at home.
Your stress and your mental health effect you, often more than you realize.
If there are "in person" support groups in your area join one. It might take a meeting or 2, or you might have to find another to get the "right fit". It is sorta like shoes they all seem good at the start but if the fit isn't right you just are not comfortable.
And if your husband can participate look for an Adult Day Program in your area. He will get a break, you will and you both need that.
If your husband is a Veteran contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission and see if he qualifies for any help from the VA. (If you are a Veteran same advice goes for you)
We often wait to tell my mom about bigger things until they happen or right before because she gets anxious and worries which causes all kinds of problems and being able to see and talk to us helps that a lot. Your choices are a bit trickier since you live with him if he also has a tendency to get anxious. But I also feel strongly that there is a fine line between treating a challenged loved one like the adult they know they are and a child you hide things from is a very delicate one and presented well their brains will help take care of them which is why I try to let Mom lead the conversation to where she needs to go, sometimes that changing the subject and then coming back around to the one I have in mind later after her brain has done some processing. Let him be your husband as much as he is able and give him some time to do that.
My thoughts and as much strength as I can give are with you.
BUT be prepared that he may not recall why you are
Goin to the doctor all the time
You are tired
You may have to go into the hospital
I think now would be a great time to look for a Caregiver...for BOTH of you.
You will need help yourself and you will need help with him. And getting someone in now he may be more willing to accept that the help is for you.
Now once you tell him it is time to make appointment for both of you to talk to an Elder Care Attorney. Set up all your paperwork. Who will be POA for YOU for HIM? What will happen to him if something happens to you and you are unable to make decisions for yourself or for him? ("Special Needs Trust" for both of you maybe?)
Much of this greatly depends on the type of cancer you have been diagnosed with the stage and the potential outcome.
🙏for both of you.
My condolences on your diagnosis, and I hope it's something that's easily treated and curable.
Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate.
What are your concerns about telling your husband? What has your doctor said about your cancer? Is it treatable?