My dad passed a few weeks ago. He had a medical procedure that went wrong and due to his already poor health it caused a chain reaction. Lots of surgeries were done and procedures to try and save him. He was a diabetic dialysis patient, the surgeon never told us it was possible he wouldn't heal. The hospital Dr stopped me in the hallway told me my dad would never heal and was very sick. She said don't blame us if something happens and she's telling me the reality. I tried to ask questions and she immediately went on her phone and was scrolling on fb. I was angry as this hadn't been mentioned before and she seemed to care less. She wanted me to decide to end his dialysis treatment and start hospice that day. I asked to speak to the surgeon again and we were going to give my dad time to heal. She continued harassing me daily about ending my father's life and guilting me that he was suffering. He needed a couple more procedures and it was more then he could take. He started getting afib and almost fainted during the dialysis treatment. This Dr contacted a heart Dr and my dad's nephrologist about putting him on end of life care. The nephrologist told me I'm only thinking of myself and being selfish and my dad wouldn't heal. As I mentioned we were never told any of this by the surgeon, we were given hope that he would get better. They treated me like I was a monster torturing my dad who I love and care for. I signed the paperwork that night, but immediately felt regret that I hadn't thought it through enough. I felt guilted and pressured by everyone. I tried stopping it to give my dad more time but he had more complications. I didn't want him to suffer. He died 2 days later. I feel like a murderer, I felt backed against a wall and guilted by everyone to sign. I tried to make the choice for myself and give my dad time but I just didn't want him to suffer in the end. My dad's surgeon was kind and compassionate he gave facts but no pressure or guilt about things. He said it's my choice. I just feel like an awful person and I miss my dad so much.
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Surgeons, at least some of them are notorious for not seeing the "big picture" of a patient's health. It sounds like that may have been the case with your dad.
Every hospital has a patient advocate office. I would encourage you to reach out and set up a meeting with them. Go in with a bulleted list of issues--the lack of adequate explanation beforehand and a disregard of your father's OTHER serious health conditions.
I think this will make you feel better and may result in bringing this surgeon's short-sightedness to light.
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You saw your dad suffering so much. Any son or daughter would wouldn't want to see anyone they love in such pain. This has to be among the most difficult situation there is in life.
There is so much pain for you right now, loss of your dad, plus on top of this the pain of having to make this decision. We don't get to choose, but I wouldn't want any one to suffer after what seemed like a long journey of recuperation after each of the surgeries, this is torture. I wouldn't want to suffer like that myself or see anyone I love in such agony.
This is toughest decision to ever make and I wouldn't want anyone to be in this situation. I think in your case it was a joint decision based on the doctor's advice, although it was persistent advice from your doctor's, there has to be a reason for them to repeatedly ask you.
You saw your dad suffering so much and because you love him so much you didn't want to see that.
I would also seek professional regular counselling advice and help, you shouldn't have to go through these thoughts alone, maybe the hospital is able to help here.
so sorry for you loss, if you reading any answers, I wish you peace.
1) Find a seasoned grief counselor who also works with traumatic grief with whom you can process your grief and the trauma of being pressured by the uncompassionate doctor. You were truly doing the best you could under the hardest of circumstances. You may know this to be true intellectually-talking it through w/ a competent therapist can help it eventually FEEL true.
2) what would you say to someone you care about struggling w/ what you are? what would your father say to you about this? What would he want you to know right now?
One thing clearly comes through in your sharing-you made decisions out of love. That is indisputable…sending a hug from one grieving child to another
You have no reason to feel like an awful person b/c you did nothing wrong. I understand you miss your dad and this loss is tremendous. May God bless you and help you through this grief you're experiencing, giving you mercy and peace the entire time.
My dad had heart surgery in his later years. He wanted to take the risk. He came through the surgery fine.
But he had a stroke while he was still in the hospital recovering from his surgery.
My mom blamed herself. I will tell you what I told my mom. It’s NOT your fault.
Your dad knew that you loved him, just like my dad knew that mom and all of us (children) loved him.
We can’t possibly predict or prevent every bad thing from happening.
You are grieving. Your dad would not want you to blame yourself.
my moms hospice had grief counseling. Reach out to them.
The dr was insensitive , for sure. the surgeon told you it was your choice, he must have felt it was time for your dad to stop all the procedures.
my opinion .. you gave your dad the best gift possible.
Can you give us more information, such as your Dad's age, and what were his health issues. It will help us get a better idea of the situation.
Im sorry about your dad. The hospital sounds like so many. Some people may not know, but many hospitals don't want to deal with "failure" , like the one your dad was at. "Failure" is quickly dealt with, so they can deal with helping the living.
The Hospital Doc sounds like many who know there is little chance for recovery, want this dealt with, so the room can be used to treat those still alive.
Again I'm sorry about your dad.