Just needing to vent. I feel stuck. Any advice?

Exactly why do you 'need to suck it up and adapt'?? You are a granddaughter/son.........where is grandma's CHILDREN, aka your mom and dad? Why have you been relegated to be this woman's 24/7 caregiver? And what about YOUR home, your husband, your life and your dogs? Why do they get to suffer while you devote your entire life to caregiving 24/7???

And what person who claims to love their grandchild 'begs them not to transfer her into a nursing home' and acts THAT selfish, knowing the huge burden they are not being able to get around AT ALL? Are you lifting this woman? What happens when YOU need to call 911 for YOURSELF and your own broken back?

This situation is not sustainable at all, yet for some reason, you feel beholden to your grandmother as her only source of help 24/7, to your own detriment, and at the expense of your family!

I say, tell your parents or whoever else is grandma's POA that you're giving your 2 weeks notice. If there is no other next of kin involved here, give grandma one month's notice that she will be moving into a nursing home, that you've done your level best ALL this time to care for her, but that you're not going to sacrifice your health, your back, and the rest of your life in servitude to her for no good reason now that she's become immobile. You love her and will visit her often in her new location where she will have others to socialize with and an entire staff to wait on her 24/7 rather than one exhausted and burned out human being.

Wishing you the best of luck seeing this untenable situation for what it is. Unstick yourself right away, you can do it!

Hi, Annit. I want to start by saying I think you're a great person to be trying to help your grandmother and also because you will not put the burden of caregiving for you onto your own kids. Most people don't understand what a burden it is.
You've done your best and now it's time for your grandmother to go into a nursing home.
When you say 'she and everyone else just expects me to give up everything for her' who are you talking about? Siblings? Other family members?
I'm so sure your kids and husband don't want to see you so beat down from caregiving that you're utterly defeated in every way. I'm so sure your friends don't want to see that either. So we are left with the people who do expect you to be a care martyr for grandma.
You don't need them. You need the people who want the best for you. You need the people who love, support, and care about you.
Not these people who carry on about how lucky you are to be allowed the great privilege of being an abused caregiver.
Cut these a$$holes out of your life. It doesn't matter what they think.
You have her POA. Put her in a nursing home. If you don't know how to do this, have her brought to a hospital ER and ask them to do a 'Social Admit'. Make sure to use this term. Tell them that you are unable and unwilling to continue being her caregiver and that she has no other support at home because you're going back to your home and family.
The social workers will try to talk you into taking her home. They will make all kinds of promises of care services and resources available if you agree to.
It's a lie. You will get little to nothing as far as these care services and resources are concerned if your grandmother is not rich.
If you stand your ground and refuse to care for her at home, the hospital will admit her and will keep her there until they find her a bed in a permanent care facility.

“I know I just need to suck it up and adapt.”

No, you do not. Your husband and family come first.

Feelings of guilt and obligation do not equate good care. Grandma won't get better or be in less pain because of guilt and obligation.

Find a facility that will meet Grandma's needs, tell her you are not abandoning her, then visit when you can.

No, you don't need to "suck it up". I did this myself at age 35, moving back home to take care of my grandparents, but I was not married and had no kids, not even a dog. And I would say it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and very disruptive to my life, in general. Unless you are willing to allow your relationship with your husband to disintegrate slowly, and have no current career ambitions, you need to seek alternatives for your grandmother. Those include nursing home care, despite her attitude towards that. Even if you decide to undertake this, understand that your emotional health will greatly suffer (mine did) and your grandmother could easily live another year (or two, or three). The bottom line, you WILL burn out and could even suffer mild PTSD from the sheer intense nature of this caregiving. I certainly did. Even today, I cringe in hospitals and become anxious when I reflect on this experience. But it was, by far, the most spiritually rewarding thing I have ever done in my life. Be very careful with your choices going forward.

You don’t need to “suck it up” for your grandmother!

Go home. Live YOUR life! I am not a grandma but if I had grandkids I would want them to be happy living their own lives.

Grandma’s begging has 100% nothing to do with what living situation can help her be safe and in less pain.

You may be jeopardizing both your welfare AND HERS by staying in a situation that is NOT MANAGEABLE for you to do.

Be prepared for family members to be mad (or furious) at you- if you bow out THEY may have to actually HELP, and NOBODY wants to do THAT. Ooops, you’re actually doing it…….

Does anyone have POA for Grandma? If so, inform them that YOU ARE FINISHED, as of whatever date you choose.

DO NOT talk to Grandma about her situation or yours. Do not say goodbye to her.

JUST LEAVE.

Thank you for advice. It's definitely helped a little in expanding my thought process. I'm P.O.A She has two sons that have passed and her daughter, my mother, is in the hospital with a perforated duodenal ulcer. She has a long road ahead of her as well. I appreciate the feedback so much. I told my boys (21 and 25) that they will never take care of me. I would never put that burden on anyone, especially my children/grandchildren. I've tried to talk about how I feel to people I feel close to and I usually get "you're so lucky to have your grandma and you'll appreciate the time you have had with her". I'm sure I'll have some Good memories, but most of what I experience is huffing and puffing, and cussing under her breath because I don't do or say things as she wants. She's not mean but it's very upsetting feeling like I can't seem to do anything right. She's hard of hearing too so I'm basically yelling all day. She refuses a hearing aid because of vanity. Sorry, I'm still venting. Thank you guys so much for listening. I've been feeling so down the past few weeks.

I was in the exact same situation with my mom. My mom had dementia and absolutely refused to go to assisted living or nursing home. I spent at least 4 years being at her beck and call including living with her sleeping on a blow up mattress.. I have a sister that lived closer to her but refused to help.
You absolutely do lose your own life and what's even worse now is that she passed away last year and I feel even more lost now. Not because she's gone, I know she's in a better place, but because I have lost myself and some friends that I could not see in all that time. I am trying to get on with my life but it's been so hard. I don't know what my purpose is anymore.. so please don't let this go on for as long as I did. The lasting effect is not good on ones mental health.

Ok, you've vented. Now you need to heed some of the great suggestions on the forum. I personally don't think anyone should have to give up their life to take care of parents, grandparents etc. unless they totally want to but consider who else you are harming with your current action. Your husband, your pets all need you. 24/7 for one person is a lot of work. Ask the nurses in NYC who went on strike this weekend -- not just for better wages but for more staff so they can provide adequate care for patients. You just can't do it all by yourself. And what happens to GM when something happens to you?

As has been suggested, get in touch with your local Office on Aging and find out how to get a full geriatric assessment. GM may be eligible for some home health services or they may suggest some form of hospice care. In any event, let the family know that you are going back to your family on X date and will only be available for x hours per week to help out..

Now if she goes back to the ER at any time before the OoA assessment. you find the ER social worker and tell them that they can do a social admit because you are leaving "right now" and there is no one at home who can care for her. They will try to tell you to take her home and they will get you help. You grow tomatoes on that line of bs!! It's lie. Smile at them and leave, yes GM will be crying and begging you not to leave .. keep walking and don't look back. It will be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do; sometimes you have to steel your heart to do the right thing when you love someone. And in your heart you know that your staying with GM 24/7 while your marriage disintegrates is not good for GM, you or husband.
This is a difficult journey but you can do it. Peace