Death in home or facility. Any advice?

My mom passed in November, She was living in an ALF but when she began to decline, I engaged hospice and made the decision to bring her to my home. I made the decision more for her than for me. My mother was always a fearful person. She had always been afraid of death. I wanted her to be where she was loved even though she could not remember my home. I wanted her to feel safe. It was hard. Hospice was wonderful and I do not know what I would have done without them. I left the room to call my brother, for a few minutes, and she passed alone. I wanted to be there FOR HER but was not. Perhaps, at the end, she had no fear. That is what a choose to believe.

But this is a very personal decision. My brother would not have been able to take it. Choose what is right for you and for your LO.

If you haven't already, I suggest contacting a hospice agency. Their purpose is to guide and help and keep your loved one comfortable through the end of life times. They can answer your questions and help you arrange things. Medicare will cover 100% of hospice care in your home.

I posted very briefly earlier. This question really triggered past emotions that I struggled to deal with. I had enormous anxiety about watching my parents die.

When my father was in the hospital I went to see him often. I was the only girl in my family and was absolutely a ‘daddy’s girl.’ My brother was with my father when he died and he handed it much better than I ever could have.

As most of the posters know, my mother lived in my home for 14 years and for many of those years it was fine. The thought of death didn’t even enter my mind.

As her Parkinson’s disease progressed, I realized that I was becoming absolutely overwhelmed by watching her suffer and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I may walk into her room one day to find her dead.

I honestly don’t think that I would have been able to emotionally handle it if I found my mom dead.

When I was a teenager my aunt went into the hospital. She was quite young, in her 40’s, and had kidney failure that led to her death.

My mom and her sister were extremely close. My mom was at the hospital daily. My aunt asked my mother to prop up her pillow and mom did it for her. As my aunt sat up to get comfortable, she fell back instantly and died in my mother’s arms.

I never forgot how my aunt’s sudden death affected my mom. The look on my mother’s face just flattened me. I ached for my mother and couldn’t imagine the pain that she was feeling in that moment.

I am amazed that my mother carried on as well as she did. She and my father took in my cousins to raise as their own. Mom and dad dearly loved my cousins.

My mother was a rock! I don’t think that I could have ever been as strong as she was. Later on, when I was an adult, she confessed that she had cried herself to sleep at night. It broke my heart.

It terrified me to think about walking into my mother’s room and find her dead sitting in her favorite chair or to go to her bedside and find her dead in her bed.

Of course, I knew that she would die one day, but the fear of being alone in that situation frightened me tremendously.

I could never be a nurse although I respect them tremendously.

Yes, I still have this fear of being at a person’s death bed or discovering them dead.

I was the last person to see my brother in his hospice facility. He died the second after I left his room. I hope that I die before my husband because I couldn’t bear watching him die.

I was extremely relieved that my mom’s hospice provider had an ‘end of life’ care home for her to be in. She was well cared for. I went often to visit her but I would pray to God that she wouldn’t die in front of me.

My brother felt differently, it was important to him to be there when mom died and that is exactly how it happened. I’m glad that he was there for himself and mom. My other brother is like me and couldn’t bear to see mom die.

This is so extremely personal to each of us. There isn’t a ‘right or wrong’ way to view it. I think we have to do whatever is best for us as individuals and no one should judge how we feel. I am glad that my brother understood my position and I certainly understand his.

So, I say to the OP, I wish you peace. This is a very difficult time for you. Do whatever is best for you.

My SIL was in hospice at our home actively dying of an aggressive brain tumor/cancer. When she could no longer swallow her meds - she just rolled them around in her mouth, I called the hospice RN asking how can we now control her pain if she can’t swallow? They sent an ambulance within the hour and took her to the Hospice Center where they could administer her meds with an IV. She passed 4 days later - not in my home. I’m glad about that. All the help they give you is priceless! I played soft music and talked to her everyday…..the last day I left around 6 o’clock. She died at around 2 am. There was no cost. Medicare covered it. Call Hospice. Best thing we ever did. My SIL never suffered for a minute.

Sorry that your dad is dying. Have you had a hospice consult? Do you have any caregivers for dad yet? If the care you have to give is too much, I guess you could look into putting him in a nursing home.

Do you not want him dying at your home because you are afraid of it or think it will give you bad memories, etc.? My dad had a stroke in my living room and never regained consciousness and was dead less than 48 hours later. I thought it would haunt me but we moved the furniture around so I then had an easier time when I couldn't see the exact location where we found him anymore. And then we rearranged mom's bedroom so it didn't look like the room they'd shared anymore.

Good luck.

My parents are alive but I often think of this. They place a lot of value on "dying at home." But the person who is dying frankly won't know where they are. So I worry about the last memories of what we'll see in the house. I hope my parents don't die at their home. Then again, I have really difficult parents. But it seems like you know you don't want to witness it in the house. Will anyone argue with you about this?

This is an extremely personal question. You have to do what you feel is best for you.

Best wishes to you.

Hospice was a savior for me.

Hospice in the home is fully covered by Medicare. Hospice in a facility...the cost of the room is not covered by Medicare. Its private pay. Medicare pays only for the Nurse, aide supplies, medications and durable equipment.

Most hospice agencies have hospice homes that your loved one can be transferred to when they are considered actively dying. They are beautiful, very caring places where your loved one can die in peace.
And Medicare will cover all expenses of the home 100% if he dies within the week after arriving. Otherwise you can pay out of pocket to keep him there.
So hopefully you now have hospice on board and they can transfer him when needed to their facility.
Praying for peace for you all.

It sounds like you need to work through what you do or don’t want more.

If having someone pass away in your home appalls you or your family members emotionally, separately from your grief, that’s different from trying to work through the practicalities of how the process might work and if it is better or worse than the alternatives.

If you are working with hospice, they should be a good resource. You can interview alternative hospice providers to see what they offer.

My Mom passed in our home before we could initiate hospice. Her LTC policy minimized expenses, although we didn’t have 24 hour care. Her POLST form minimized useless intervention. Her prepaid final expenses gave us a phone number to call when it was time.

I can see how facility based hospice would be better for many families.

I think the ER route to facility care would have been hard on us.

Use what resources you have available to make things easier on yourselves where you can. Ask for a little help. Call in a few favors. Spend Dad’s money, if he has any, on making things more tolerable if you see the need.

I fully understand your feeling about not having him pass in your home. That’s something you’ll never be able to unsee. I hope hospice can help you find a facility.

I easily understand your feelings in this. My dad died in his home with help from in-home hospice services. That was his wish and I provided the bulk of the care during his last weeks. It was beyond difficult, emotionally and sometimes physically. I’d have much preferred he go to a local hospice house that provided around the clock care for those last weeks in a comfortable hotel like setting. I hope you have one of these in your area and can secure a place in it for your dad. Families are allowed to stay there at any time, the care is much more on the staff and less on the family, and it takes away the sadness of someone dying in home. I cleaned out dad’s home within a month, mostly alone, and can’t describe how deafening the quiet was being there minus his presence. Thankfully, the house sold quickly. Ask your dad's doctor for a hospice referral for an onsite hospice place. Sorry you’re all approaching this time. I wish you all peace

Agree that Hospice is the way to go. Both my parents passed quietly at home.

You Can call 911 and Have him admitted then they transfer him to a rehab . Get advice from Hospice . Talk to His primary care Doctor and get a referral to VNA ( Visiting Nurse) and a CNA ( certified Nurse assistant ) Hospice can send Nurses to the House and educate you on what to expect . There are agencies that can send round the clock help .