Yes..the sh*t circus continues. I have enlisted the assistance of our local Adult Protective Services County Dept and APS SW requested that she and I have a joint meeting today with my 92 year old NPD mother..and the SW saw the devil come out....I have not been paid for groceries since October and even though I am on her acct, and did draw out exact amount for November ...mother tells me if I take her money she will call the police. Everything is done online and delivered and shows that it is delivered to her name and apartment. I have essentially gone no contact but had groceries delivered on Dec 30..which she does not remember even though SW looked in her frig which was fully stocked. She told SW I was lying. SW looked at her checkbook and told her no checks for groceries have been written to me since the one on OCT 20 she gave me. She is incapable of handling her checkbook and SW feels she has lost all memory of the past 2 months and current events. Psychiatrist through the County is now going to do an eval to establish if guardianship is needed...which she can still contest, even though I am POA health and finances. She slapped at me when I asked to see her checkbook. Luckily SW saw all this and finally understands first hand what I have been telling her and staff about her gaslighting and manipulation. She is telling everyone and staff where she lives that I am stealing her money, that I refuse to take her to Dr for check ups and that I have done nothing for her.(Ive been at her beck and call for 10 years since my dad died) brother escaped 12 years ago) I am not going to agree to become guardian. SW feels that she will also escalate to saying I am abusing her so that is probably a wise decision ..My brother will not either due to her lifelong abuse and her refusal to cooperate with anything we have tried to do for her or set up safeguards to prevent this exact scenario . SW is meeting with her again on 1/6 and told her to come up with a plan on how she is going to get her groceries and get to her Dr because I will no longer be available or in her lufe at this point.She spends at least 300.00 a month on groceries and is too fussy to eat most of the the meals , even though they are included in her IL rent. She has no concept that she will run out of money . I was told I was selfish that I saw my adult children and grandkids over Christmas after she refused to allow them to come over when they were in town for Thanksgiving ( My husband and I had COVID and couldnt meet with them..which she also accused me of making up)She rammed into my husband with her walker, told him she hated him, and hit me when we came to try and help her with her checkbook when we were recovered..after she said she couldnt balance her checkbook and asked for help. I worked Christmas Eve and Day and we celebrated with my family the weekend after, and I informed her that she would not see me again due to her behavior. ....She ended the meeting by saying that she is " never wrong" and that I am the one with dementia and that I should go to hell and never contact her again. Gladly...music to my ears. Looking for experience with non family guardians and affirmation on me not taking that albatross on. I came home again with panic attack and vomiting.I am 68 with numerous health issues and she has had lifelong narcissim and untreated mental health issues and abused my wonderful dad when he was in wheelchair due to neurological disease . She hates that I remarried and have a close relationship with my adult kids and grandkids and that I have the nerve to take a vacation once or twice a year with my husband. She feels that I owe her a written itinerary of how I spend my time . She hates that my husband did not die of his massive heart attack in 2018 so that I would then be " a widow like me".( Her exact words) She hates that I got attention for having cancerous tumors removed from my pancreas also in 2018 and was in ICU for 3 weeks .Im done .
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When your mother calls to balance the checkbook, sorry dear - I am busy, you are going to have to do it. When will you have time? Let me get back to you. Gotta go now. Bye.
When APS takes over, I imagine she’ll no longer have a telephone. I suggest either changing your # or letting her calls go to voicemail. That way, you won’t have to talk to her directly. She won’t say anything nice either.
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Hopefully, there will be some members along with experience in non-family guardianship.
Ty, you have done all you can. You are lucky that APS is involved. Seems they are willing to take over let them. Allow them to be her guardian. Everything will go smoother. Your right in backing away.
Please consider reading Liz Scheier's excellent memoir, Never Simple, about how she spent the best years of her life trying to act for her mentally ill mother, who lived into her 80s making the lives of the daughter, the Social services of the City and State of New York miserable, and never found any help for herself at all.
Let the city and state take on the care of this woman, step back and live the one and only life you have to live. If you continue to make the choices to make this your mission in life, do understand that you yourself are not mentally impaired. You are doing it by choice.
Consider getting help for yourself and setting up boundaries now. I know this sounds real tough-love in nature, but I am indeed trying to shake you up so there will be some understanding. Your Mom isn't responsible for what she is doing. She is mentally ill. Let those entities trained to do so attempt to provide her with help and monitoring, and do know that there often is NO ANSWER ever for those who have descended into deep mental illness.
Our society, in it's wisdom or in its helplessness has decided that those who are mentally ill are allowed to make decisions for themselves. The result hasn't been pretty at all. Not everything has an answer. But the answer is surely not to sacrifice your own life on this altar. I really hope you will get help and I wish you well.
If you become her guardian, she will STILL abuse; you will be legally responsible for her well being and have extensive reporting responsibilities tothe State.
I don't see how that could possibly work.
The State will be able to force-place her in the level of care she needs (which you would have difficulty doing, because many facilities will tell you that they won't accept family-generated involuntary placements).