How to cope with my husband's imminent passing from Alzheimer’s?

Czeckchick....
Nothing can help you cope or prepare.
You can think you have it all figured out.
My Husband was on Hospice for almost 3 years.
It was a 12 YEAR journey from diagnosis to his death.
I "knew" in my head what was happening.
My Heart was a whole 'nuther thing!
All I can say is don't rush yourself.
The "grieving process" that you have gone through is what I call "anticipatory grieving".
You do what you feel is right for you and for what he would have wanted.

PLEASE...if he is suffering contact Hospice any Hospice of your choice they will help you, they will help make sure that he is not suffering. And even though he is in a Skilled Nursing Facility Hospice can provide a Vigil Volunteer so that he is never left alone. they are there for you as well as for him.
((hugs and prayers))

I am so very sorry. I would say that when we know/understand that the loss is imminent we try sooooo hard to figure out what it will be like for us. We are sometimes right in how it will go and we are often wrong. I know I was terrified to lose my parents who had been so wonderful to me all my life, and felt great fear over losing my brother, the Hansel to my Gretel in the dark forests of life. Yet what I was surprised to feel in the case of all these inevitable losses (I am 80) was some relief. That I never had to be afraid for them anymore. That they had had wonderful long lives and minimal suffering in the end. That I had done what I could. That really, they were not gone from me. Not the happier memories anyway. Were there tears and tough times? Yes. That is the price of all that love. My family was clear in not wanting services. There were none. But I know when I celebrate them and when I grieve them and there is no need for a service there.
We do try hard to anticipate so we can prepare ourselves. It's just hard to do so. I got cancer 36 years ago. I had feared it, as a nurse, for much of my career, wondering what it would be like, how in the world I would cope. Yet having it was NOTHING whatsoever about fearing it.
You have been through so much. You are seasoned in "getting through". I wish I could help you prepare, but the best I have is that it will be better or worse or both off and on, but it will be different than you imagine. So try not to anticipate it. You are as prepared as you ever can be for what will come. You have already done a lot of losing in living through this. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best.

I'm so sorry this is happening. A memorial service in the spring is something to look forward to, and doing a bit of planning right now may give you peace and something positive to think about. Get out the family pictures, if that would cheer you, or avoid them if it wouldn't. My friend had a lovely "service" for her husband last fall. It wasn't really a service, more of a meeting of friends. It was outside at a park, and people brought covered dishes. It was all quite informal, and people had great stories to share about her loved one. It was very different from the mournful churchy services we've all attended, and a nurturing experience for her. Just an idea.

I think these two books may help you process the grief that will ensue once your husband passes:

On Grief & Grieving, by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler

https://www.amazon.com/On-Grief-and-Grieving-audiobook/dp/B07GDSK9H6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2Y4FFSNHZXKIR&keywords=on+grief+and+grieving+by+elizabeth+kubler-ross&qid=1672940444&sprefix=on+grief%2Caps%2C572&sr=8-1

"On Death and Dying began as a theoretical book, an interdisciplinary study of our fear of death and our inevitable acceptance of it. It introduced the world to the now-famous five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. On Grief and Grieving applies these stages to the process of grieving and weaves together theory, inspiration, and practical advice, all based on Kübler-Ross' and Kessler's professional and personal experiences, and is filled with brief, topic-driven stories. It includes sections on sadness, hauntings, dreams, coping, children, healing, isolation, and even the subject of sex during grief. "


Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, by David Kessler

https://www.amazon.com/Finding-Meaning-Sixth-Stage-Grief/dp/1501192744/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2YSAX7JVV90K1&keywords=the+6th+stage+of+grief&qid=1672940538&s=audible&sprefix=the+6th+stage+of+grief%2Caudible%2C129&sr=1-1-catcorr

"Kessler’s insight is both professional and intensely personal. His journey with grief began when, as a child, he witnessed a mass shooting at the same time his mother was dying. For most of his life, Kessler taught physicians, nurses, counselors, police, and first responders about end of life, trauma, and grief, as well as leading talks and retreats for those experiencing grief. Despite his knowledge, his life was upended by the sudden death of his twenty-one-year-old son. How does the grief expert handle such a tragic loss? He knew he had to find a way through this unexpected, devastating loss, a way that would honor his son. That, ultimately, was the sixth stage of grief—meaning. In Finding Meaning, Kessler shares the insights, collective wisdom, and powerful tools that will help those experiencing loss."

I'm so sorry you are faced with such a loss in your life. I hope God grants you mercy and peace as you travel this difficult road, my friend.

There's no timetable for grief, so take your time to absorb what is happening. It's hard to take in right now, but this is just as much part of life as is birth and everything in between, so in a way, all is right with the world even though it hurts down to your soul.

I think a memorial is always a better idea than a funeral, because it focuses on memories rather than a body. You do what suits you WHEN it suits you, but I do advise doing something. There does seem to be a sense of not finishing things when a final memorial never happens. My mother died last year when Covid was still a major concern for many of those who would have attended a service, and I still feel like we didn't really close the circle of her life. We did hold a memorial, but it was sparsely attended (350 attended my dad's service in 2018), and no one stayed after for a casual luncheon we hosted.

Do only what you can and ask for help. My brother and his son died in 2020, so we had small graveside gatherings. My mom didn't want a funeral, so I had some relatives and friends over for a little celebration of life. We had it out in her yard and garage, since there were covid worries. A friend put up a powerpoint of her and my dad over their years for guests to look at while they had snacks and drinks. The people who do the cremations are wonderfully comforting. Take your time. I think a memorial in the spring is perfect.

I had pre-paid my LO’s funeral expenses, and we had only a graveside, no viewing, and plan for a Celebration Mass in the spring.

Is your husband receiving hospice support?

My LO was peaceful until the very end. If your DH has symptoms of anxiety that are obvious to you, you can request that he receive soothing medication, and it is very reasonable on your part to request this.

Common symptoms of “suffering” might include groaning, thrashing from side to side, grabbing at sheets and blankets, rapid, shallow breathing.

If you’re not observing one or more of these or similar signs, he may hopefully be peacefully slipping away.

Hugs and thoughts of comfort to you. This is a very difficult part of life, so try to treat yourself well.

Planning a Memorial Service or a Celebration of Life with his friends and family at a later date would be honoring to your husband while giving you time to grieve his loss right now. Please accept my sincere condolences.

I’m so sorry! You are going through something extremely hard. Thinking of you.

Good choice to skip a funeral. There are few bigger wastes of money in modern society. I'd advise taking one day at a time and seeing a grief counselor.

Czechchick, I am sorry for your impending loss. Is your husband on hospice? If so, they should provide support in form of grief counseling. Look into it if you feel the need.

As for funeral arrangements, you should do what you are comfortable with, not what others expect. A straight cremation with no service is very affordable. If that's what you want, then that's what you should do. You still need money to live on. I see !little sense spending on the dead.