My mother, with dementia, is aggressively angry and acting out. What should we do?

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AdvanceDance Asked January 2023

My mother, with dementia, is aggressively angry and acting out. What should we do?

My mother, who has dementia, walked over to the neighbors (mind you, it's winter, and we just had a snowstorm) without a coat, and she managed to trip and fall and rip her clothing and told them my stepfather aimed a gun at her. She could have hurt herself or worse if she couldn't get up!

The neighbors called the sheriff, and six deputies showed up. This is untrue of course.

She's accusing him of locking her in the house, stealing her car, stealing her savings, stealing her belongings and saying she will report him. Fortunately, she cannot use a phone, but if she can access one and someone calls for her, she'll report him.

She may very well call the sheriff again, but hopefully, they'll remember that she has dementia.

She's also threatening to kill him. She's proven that she's willing to act out on her threats.

Her behavior is out of control, and my stepfather is the focus of my mother's wrath. He's a very kind and patient man with his own health issues but has all of his mental faculties.

I fear she may do something extreme again. What do we do with her? Should she be in a home? Does she need a home health aide? Should they divorce, so he doesn't lose his life savings and his house to her care?

Alzheimer's & Dementia Delusions Dementia Behaviors Violent Behavior

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score 1 · Answer 1

She is now beyond his care. If he is worried about assets he needs to see an elder lawyer well versed in Medicaid. Medicaid allows assets to be split. Moms split paying for her care and when almost gone, Medicaid applied for. Once on Medicaid, he becomes the Community Spouse living in the home, getting a car and enough or all of their combined monthly income to support himself.

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score 2 · Answer 2

With this change in behavior being sudden and unlike what she’s done before, please call 911 and have her transported to the hospital. She’s in need of medical attention for extreme behavior changes and being a threat to others. This should be taken very seriously and not just as dementia, others around her need and deserve to be safe

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score 2 · Answer 3

Yes it's time that your stepfather should be looking to place her in a memory care facility as she is not only a harm to herself but could be a harm to him as well.
And the police will have it notated that the woman at their address has dementia and will treat her with "kid gloves" if and when the time comes again.
It's time your stepfather sees an elder law attorney to best help him sort out the financial situation, and get your mother placed sooner than later.
Best wishes.

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score 1 · Answer 4

In a case like this for your mom's own safety she would do better in a Memory Care facility.
If that is not possible and you can get caregivers in to take care of her, make sure she does not wander that is an option as well.
There are medications for the anxiety and agitation.
It is important though to know the type of dementia she has.
For the questions about should they divorce to protect his assets this is a question that is best left to an Elder Care Attorney.

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score 1 · Answer 5

This is really your step-father’s call, as they are married. It would be good to talk to him about what to do, before you start contacting outside agencies. Then perhaps go with him to APS or another agency with a social worker, to help you both talk things through together (including an asset split or divorce). It sounds as though difficult options will certainly be needed, and you both need to be on the same page. Disagreement will only make things worse. Talking it through together is the first step.

My guess would be that Memory Care in a facility will be the best option, that in-home care will not be likely to help, and that an asset split is worth considering, particularly if your stepfather’s assets are in his sole name. But I am not the expert on this, and I hope that others will also post.

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My mother, with dementia, is aggressively angry and acting out. What should we do?

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