A very good friend of mine, whom we have known and basically call our grandma for almost 8 years now, has gone into a memory care facility, and her one and only son who is the POA has decided suddenly that I can no longer visit her, (he’s let me for the last 5 years) giving no explanation at all, other than having the caregiver at the facility tell me that I could no longer come to visit her (who puts that burden on someone else?) I’ve tried to reach him by phone, text, through his wife, with n0 reply. You would think that being in the care system, it would be nice to have your friends visit you, I just feel like he’s punishing us both. I’m so confused and don’t understand why? It is extremely upsetting! Is this legal?
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In the past, you had nice visits. Dementia worsens over time, you know that don’t you? maybe in the stage your friend is in now, visits are upsetting. As for no explanation from the son, that’s a shame, however he owes you nothing.
Be gracious and if your asked to stay away, then stay away. It hurts. Loss always hurts.
Needless to say, when that newsletter went citywide, I hit the roof.
I wouldn't be surprised if your friend's son doesn't perhaps feel the same as I did. He doesn't really know you, his mother has dementia and is declining, and he's trying to protect her.
Do the gracious thing and step away. I wouldn't even attempt to contact her by mail, because it looks like an end run around her son's wishes.
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Often times, those in the position of POA or guardian have it hard, get challenged, are accused if things - it's not an easy job by any means. I'm sure he knows and wants the best for his Mom.
As my 85 year old father has Alzheimers, he's often confused, in his own world, tells stories that didn't occur, is paranoid, etc. These things can change based on the day, how he's feeling, who visits him, etc. It's no one's fault, just the terrible disease. I am his legal guardian and do my very best to protect him. There are people and certain family members that visit and he either gets upset during or after visits with him. I've made changes such as monitored or no visits from these people because they no longer matched may Dad's frame of mind or peace and what was in his best intetest. Your friend's Alzheimers state may have changed and her son's doing his best to protect his Mom.
You have to let this attempt with him and/or his wife be your last. If not, it may not boad well with him and for you. You will just have to accept his answer. That also means no answer from him is an answer of no more visits from you. Keep her in your heart, always. I am sorry and do wish you peace and healing.
It is possible that after your visits she would become upset. (unbeknownst to you)
If this is the case and it would take the staff a while to calm her down they may have said something.
It is also possible that she has said she does not want visitors.
It is possible that she has declined to the point where she does not recognize anyone.
You can..
Write her a letter.
You can send flowers.
As difficult as it is accept the fact that this woman is no longer part of your life.
There are legal processes whereby someone with POA can make a best interests decision to exclude visitors for various good reasons, and you wouldn't necessarily have the right to know what those reasons are in any kind of detail - in fact, if it's to do with a safeguarding issue the information could well be confidential and you couldn't be told even if you weren't the problem.
But I wouldn't expect this to be left to a caregiver to communicate to you, and the exclusion process isn't simply a matter of the POA saying don't let Mrs Buggins in because I don't like her being here. The facility has a duty of care towards your friend, and a duty to promote her interests which normally would include her right to maintain her relationships, so they wouldn't just take an instruction from a POA which appears to go against those interests and say "oh okay then" without understanding the basis for the instruction.
Have you spoken to anyone more senior at the facility about it?
Why have you assumed that the son's action is intended to be punitive in some way? - what's happened during your last few visits to make you think that?
When I first met my friend, my Grandma had recently passed away and she was such a comfort for me. I picked her up for church, took her to doctors appointments, helped clean her house and my husband helped with clearing her walk when it snowed even though she was across town. I invited her to all the events we went to. We have loads of pictures of her with us as if we were family. I knew she had a son because she talked about him and there were pictures of him at her house. But, I didn’t actually meet him until her memory got bad enough that she lost her car. I was happy that he was helping her. Then, she fell and broke her hip and went to rehab. We visited her there and he was okay with that and asked if I would foster her dogs until he knew what would happen. We fostered her dogs for four months. When he moved her to an assisted living facility, we visited her there and he allowed me to pick her up for church. Then, she got lost several times and couldn’t find her way back to that facility and he moved her to a nice memory care facility where we visited her and were still allowed to pick her up for church and bring her to some events and go on walks. Then, Covid happened. We did window visits, sent cards and her favorite candy. I got her a puppy calendar every year and wrote memories and sent pictures of us to her. Other friends did too. She remembered us until we started going back to visit her in person and she didn’t always remember who I was. I accepted that and helped her by going over the picture book I had made for her and she ALWAYS remembered our dog! ☺️ One day when I was visiting her, one of the girls said she was going to miss her and I asked her why. She said that she was moving out. Her son was coming that day to take her somewhere else. I called his number the minute I got in the car to see what was happening. He didn’t answer, I left a message and sent a text. Then, I called his wife and she answered and said that it was getting too expensive there. I asked if I could please visit her at the new place. She said yes, gave me the address and phone number. Same as always, we went to visit her, but this memory care place is in a residential home. They have 6-8 people living there and my friend went from a room to herself and the ability to walk circles in the facility and courtyard to sharing a room and only walking a hallway to the living room where everyone else is and all chairs are covered with pads. The multiple times I visited her there, she was in a chair, dozing. She can’t hear well and so I used to use my AirPods to help her hear me but the tv is always on and others were watching it and the only other place to go was the kitchen but that’s literally off the living room. We couldn’t really talk but I would hold her hand, show her pictures and when I left I would tell her I loved her and would see her again soon. The last time I went, I took another one of our friends with me to visit and the caregiver answered the door and said what I related in my first post. Every time I was there before, I spoke to the caregivers and the other residents. I even asked if I could bring cookies to share and the caregiver said definitely! I was supposed to take a friend and her puppy this week to visit because they said I could. I always signed the book to make sure they knew when I visited and for how long.😔
Sorry about using ALL the characters allowed, but thanks for letting me tell you all this, it’s healing just to be able to write this. Looking back has given me fond memories that I am so grateful to have.
So often something upsets them and we don’t know what it is. My mother in her home with devoted caregivers would get agitated and worried if someone came in the house. We needed to have certain repairs done at times, like fixing the washing machine, but she didn’t know who they were. She was afraid of strangers, and who knows what her mind told her they were. She couldn’t tell us.
Remember that she’s not the same as she was. A friend of mine in memory care loves cards, though we don’t think she knows who they’re from. She looks at them and talks to them. Try that route and maybe enclose a picture of yourself. Good luck!
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