Thank you so much for your article 'How to Cope With a Senior’s Complaining and Negativity.'
My mother is the perfect example of;
'If an aging loved one has always been abrasive, complaining may be the only way they know how to communicate. It is likely that they aren’t even aware of how their attitude affects others. No, their constant complaining and negativity, especially when it comes to the things you go out of your way to do for them, is not acceptable. However, it’s highly unlikely that you’ll be able to change their personality at this point. In fact, the physical and mental frustrations that come with aging are likely to intensify an already negative disposition. Primary caregivers for chronic complainers should take this into account when making care decisions. It can be very difficult to stay upbeat around incessant criticism and pessimism.'
Honestly I'm beside myself. She lives with me. Every time I see her she aggressively complains about things I haven't done for her, no matter what I do is never enough. No matter what I do, I've got it wrong or I should be doing something else. Everything is pure pessimism. And that's all she ever says to me.
I finally Googled 'do people become more mentally abusive with age' and up popped your article. What a relief to know it isn't me not doing enough.
On top of that she's nearly deaf and won't wear her hearing aid. When I talk louder she aggressively tell me not to shout at her. She has the TV up so loud I can hear it everywhere in the house, making it hard for me to work from home. She acknowledges what I said to her, but later it becomes apparent she actually didn't hear me.
Just writing this to someone who understands helps.
Any suggestions about how to help me cope greatly appreciated.
Just had to select a topic to post, I notice none fit there's 'Elder abuse' but not 'Abuse by Elder".
7 Answers
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This time, let it wind out. Do not interrupt, do not interject, do not argue. Don't even say anything like "I won't listen to this anymore". Don't agree (which would be seen as sarcasm). BUT - also, don't ignore her. Listen, quietly.
Basically, we *all* have these little quips, clips, stories, whatever, that we carry around in our heads. Something "triggers" them. And it really is the actual meaning of that term "triggered" - the speech starts, because something started it. Other things will feed it and continue it. So don't. As she talks just listen to it, turn it around in your own mind as she's going on, be curious about it. See which parts of the thing never change, see which parts where the details might be different now, etc. what are the "repeated quotes", the little turns of phrase she always uses? Are they interesting little quips, something with alliteration or meter, the same incident being brought up described with the exact same words? cause It's likely the whole thing is on autopilot. And it might even be getting said *just for the fight to happen*, but more liekly its more automatic than conscious. So just observe it not as if it is being directed at you, just as if it is being said to the air. Separate yourself mentally from it.
When she winds herself out to silence, Don't get tempted to say anything like "Are you done" or anything of the sort. She may or may not want the last word, that kind of depends. And at the end, a pause, and then just an acknowledging, "Okay. I hear you." I don't have an answer, but I hear you. I hear the complaint you're making. whatever it is. That's the way I handle those things, at least, cause saying "I am not going to engage with this" is technically engaging. With my mom when one of these pops out I just let it unwind, remind myself it is a learned/self-taught response of her unwinding on autopilot, and then when she's done, I just neutrally acknowledge what she said and that's the end of it. The no fight afterwards was miraculous. and now she's stopped even using some of those phrases / engaging in those "old fights".
In my mom's situation sometimes these things get activated on the "bad attention is better than no attention" circuit. I am sitting on my PC watching youtube and she thinks I should be not ignoring her or doing something else etc and one of these things could get activated. If it does, I am sure to not interact with it. It is a piece of a "personality constellation" that makes up a part of my mother. At this point it is un-eraseable. I'm sure I have a bunch of them myself.
I've also started flat out telling her some behaviors are bad. "Stop being passive aggressive or just making sounds. If you need something, ask for it, I've never once did NOT help you when you need it, so ask and don't wait for me to go through a whole list of offers till I hit what you need. Ask. Don't just sit there and make noises."
I had finally gotten WAY too tired of the "huh! huh! huh!" noises. She was making them for me to say "Are you okay?" .. which wears out after this many months and I reached the end of my patience. It was one thing when she was flat out and unable to get up, but making those noises while casually watching TV and having a coffee is too much. So I finally dropped the concerned and replaced it with a neutral, flat, "What are the noises for. What do you need. Why are you making them?" and holy moly it worked, today I heard nothing and then a "I need help."
IT's very Dostoevsky. he talks about listening to someone on the second or third day of their toothache. That the first day their moans of pain are genuine and truthful sounds of discomfort.. but by the third day, the person only makes those noises to make sure everyone around them knows how miserable they are, not out of any physical need. <3
You might want to start touring assisted living facilities and then you can visit her as her daughter and not have the responsibility of being her caregiver.
Too much togetherness does cause friction for a parent/child relationship!
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She knows it all, suffered more than I did during his illness (!) and lied to people about his condition, his finances and my mom.
I have nothing to do with this toxic person anymore. I could never have imagined not being friends with her because I thought she was wonderful growing up! My advice is don’t deal with these people once they show who they are. Just quit no matter how painful it seems at the time. They don’t get better, only worse.
Due to similar issues, only one family member still has contact with Rude Aunt. They are going for an inheritance, and I hope they get it because she hasn’t been nice to them either.
(S02 E01 Communication)
Woe is me, everything is your fault..
Yet will answer "I'm fine" to others & maintain a nice polite chat.
Like the TV gets set to *It's your fault* channel just for you.
Time to tune out.
Go selectively & progressively deaf.
"What's that Mother? Were you talking? I wasn't listening."
Or spell it out - "I'm not going to listen to any more complaints."
Don't try to defend yourself with "that's not my fault" that just keeps the conversation going. Keeps the channel stuck. What you want is a NEW way of conversing.
Complaints get umm, I see, right. Minimal response. Zero to low interest.
When Mother is talking in a positive, happier tone, on a polite, proper two way conversation - great! Join in. Engage!
Basically, complainers can complain all day long. It's up to you how long you listen.
Just something to consider when the burn out gets to be too much.
Good luck to you.